Boo! Happy New Year

Today started like this . . .

Tilly crawled from the living room to see me in the kitchen!  Oh how my life is going to change now she doesn't stay where I put her.   Was the loveliest funniest sight though as I could hear her humpfing and puffing as she crawled through. 

Later Jane and Peter arrived and we went off for a day out on a train.  It was a lovely journey at an old railway line and on an old train with complimentary mince pies! Now, the pictures below look all quite serious but it wasn't at all like that. I think Richard was just trying some moody mug shots.

     

After that we broke the New Year in in style . . Jane and Peter went back to their van (to camp in the cold) at 9.20pm, Mum went to bed at about 10.15pm.  Rich and I stayed up, or at least I stayed up, Rich fell asleep on the sofa.  We waited until the London fireworks and now we are off to bed.  So now we are in 2009, ooo er - that means I'll be 30 this year. 

Where's the baby?

Tonight was our first night out without Tilly.  We've both been out separately just not together but tonight was the night, as we took the opportunity of not one but three grandparents being around to babysit!   We didn't venture far, we went to the restaurant around the corner but little steps are big enough.  

It actually didn't feel as weird as I thought it would.  Probably a combination of knowing that she is with mum, Jane and Peter, only being around the corner and it has not been the first time we've been away from her.  Anyway, we had a great night out with Claire and Lee.  When we came back we played on the wii until I fell asleep on the sofa and we eventually called it a night.  Of course the next step is to try and find a local babysitter and venture further. . . 

Walkies

Oh my goondess, not only has she just cracked crawling but now she is confidently taking first steps with her baby zimmer!

I bought the baby zimmer back in the summer at a car boot sale and it says from 12 months, so I didn't expect her to be using it so soon to walk with. She has been playing with the musical part for a while now and half-heartedly taken a few nervy and wobbly steps before . .  but today she has walked up and down the rug between Richard and me several times. I can't believe it, it seems that now she has worked out how to move, she wants to run!

I think you can tell by the look on my face that I am so pleased for her . . .

She pants excitedly as she is walking, it is almost as she can't believe she is doing it either. 

     

I'm not going to hold her back, she has learnt these things at the right time for her. I love when Matilda learns something new, she looks so pleased with herself and I am so proud of every little step.  

Creepy crawlies

Matilda has been able to crawl  . . backwards for quite a while.  At her developmental check they said that it wouldn't be long before she worked out she could move forward too.  Over the last few weeks she has got increasingly frustrated as she has done push ups on her toes and hands missing the point that the knees do all the work.   Finally on Boxing day she took her first tentative moves forward, only a few moves at first, with a lot of effort she hunched backwards and forwards and managed to move across the rug.  She has cracked it.  Hooray. 

We went out to Stratford Butterfly farm today.  A strange day to do it as it was bloody freezing outside, only 1 or 2 degrees and we went into a boiling hot house.  It was good fun, Tilly seemed fascinated by them but when they kept trying to land on her she'd had enough and was more than a bit frustrated.  She looked very cute in her new Christmas outfits and got a lot of smiles and attention from strangers. 

  

Has Father Christmas been?

I know that from now on, not many Christmas mornings will be spent lying in bed waiting for Tilly to wake up.   I savoured the fact that she is oblivious to the occasion, she woke and played happily unaware of the presents downstairs.  The underneath of the tree was practically groaning from all the presents for her.  I'd bought her a few things and to our surprise many of our friends had also sent her presents too.  If I'd have known that I'd have bought her one present!   Her big present was a pink ride on car that grows with her, as a rocker, rider thingy with 7, yes 7 stages!  She also got rattles, magic bopping hammers, clothes, books, bath toys, farm animals and maracas.  So many toys.  Quite frankly I think she'd have been happy with all the Christmas cards.  We should have just opened one and opened the others over the next few days - extending the joy of Christmas but we too were impatient to see what all the things were.   Tilly sat in the middle of all the toys looking totally bemused at all of these shiny new things in front of her.  Certainly one of her early favourites was the present from nursery; a big drum, tambourine and maracas - especially shaken in time with the music from her pink car.  She was excited and then confused, often seeming to check just who exactly was making which noise. 

In an effort to get Christmas dinner ready we had overshot the time for Tilly's lunch, so she had a jar of turkey and cranberry food. I felt ashamed that I couldn't even prepare her first Christmas meal!  She sat down for her lunch at 12.15pm, she'd finished hers but continued to sit and play and entertain us throughout dinner and was still there at 2pm.  What a star!  

"But I want lamb for dinner!"

Our first Christmas was lovely.  Mum and Tilly were making each other laugh which was just lovely to watch, I know that Tilly is enjoying mum being here and she'll miss her when she goes home, we all will, thankfully we still have plenty of time before that happens.  And I know mum is loving being with Tilly, watching them today was so funny as they both giggled and played silly games.  Meanwhile, she continued to attempt to crawl and is so frustratingly close.

Christmas eve

Tilly started her Christmas eve once again playing with her Christmas cards. She has learnt to give them to you if you ask nicely.

This video makes me laugh as she is quite clearly telling me something about this card but I'm not sure what!

For a while I had planned, much to Richard's horror, to go to Coventry Cathedral's Christmas eve service with Matilda and mum.   The service was specially for children and they were encouraged to dress up.  Matilda had a long cream dress on and I'd got her some wings and a halo, she looked just gorgeous.  The Cathedral was packed already when we arrived and we were half an hour early.  Lots of people looked at her and made comments on how cute she looked.  We took our seats and the service started. It was lovely, there were loads of children there, some dressed as angels, shepherds, Kings and even sheep.   The service started with a Mary and a Joseph and then all the children who were dressed up were told to follow them on a journey around the Cathedral.  Tilly was too young but after a nudge from mum and a few words of encouragement from some others around us I too got up with Tilly and joined the march.  As I went, I felt quite emotional and tears were forming in my eyes.  The music was rousing and there I was walking down a Cathedral aisle with my daughter in my arms, dressed as an angel.  I was a lovely moment and I felt sad that Richard hadn't joined us.   It was a lovely service, we walked from place to place with stories and songs filling in the gap.  At the end we all lit candles and stood around the edge of the Cathedral making a huge circle of light.  It was a beautiful service and Tilly really was a little angel throughout, even though her halo had slipped a few times! 

When we got home Tilly played with her Christmas cards again in front of the tree, as you can tell from the picture, she is a bit of a card!

Tilly's first Christmas party

Matilda had been invited to her nursery's Christmas party today.  When we arrived the tables were all laid out with bright colourful tableware and the whole room had lots of Christmas decorations in.    

When I arrived to collect her (and to meet Father Christmas) she had obviously had a great time with chocolate smeared all over her face.   I was handed a bag with cards for her and some other goodies.  The kids were wild, all lined up and waiting for Father Christmas to come by singing a song that ended in them all screaming "FATHER CHRISTMAS!" at the top of their voices.   Tilly was high too and was squealing until he arrived, as soon as he walked in through the door, he bent down to shake Tilly's hand and then she started bawling.  Oh dear.  

After a while, we went into the room where he was sitting in a big chair and collected her present.  Tilly cried every time she looked at him and hung on for dear life.  

When we got home I opened the bag to find 18 Christmas cards all for Matilda!   Blimey.  We opened them all and she had the best time looking at each one, then picking up another and then another . . examining them all.  I think in total it was for about an hour.  Certainly the best present and it's not even Christmas yet!

Picking Dee Dee up from the airport

Today we went to pick Dee Dee up from the airport.  Tilly (yes, she did it all by herself!) made a sign and we went to greet her.

So musical . . .

Claire and Lee came around the other night, we intended to play Wii games that we have already. But Richard (the embodiment of the naughty little devil sitting on my shoulder) realised that he'd bought Wii music for his sister and we should kindly 'test' it before giving to her at Christmas.  After some considerable time of playing other games, we reverted to the original (naughty) option and the celephane was taken off.  

Oh my goodness, I played on it all night.  We opened it at 3.30pm and apart from a short break to put Tilly to bed I finished playing at 11.15pm (under duress).  I'd have happily continued all night.  Wii Music is a wonderful game.  

Between us we have no musical ability or indeed play any musical instruments but that didn't stop us making our own music video, The Shivvy Combo with us playing all the parts.  I nearly broke myself when Richard played the castanets and managed to get his Wii Mii to 'Ole' and stamp his foot.   Brimming with pride at our music video (of the very rock'n'roll Twinkle Twinkle Little Star!) I moved on to conduct my own orchestra.   

Now this I liked.  A lot. I was in total control of a whole orchestra.  They tune up until you hold your baton in the air and then they stop, attentive and waiting for you to start.  Then it is a case of waving your arms about in time, to adjust tempo, levels etc.  I loved it so much. I really got into it.  Needless to say, before 9pm Richard had ordered us our own copy or at least his sister a new one!

Richard has kindly captured one of my attempts at Bizet's Carmen on video. 

Although watching it, I am quite clearly taking it far too seriously but it is addictive and I love it. I can thoroughly recommend it to everyone.  

Since playing on the first night we played again and we did lessons and unlocked loads of musical instruments.  A perfect game and I can't wait for Christmas to play it lots more!

Legendary Christmas Sleigh Ride

At our ordinary morning meetings at work, Christmas things that must be featured on air or the website was discussed.  A few people started to discuss the 'legendary Coventry sleigh ride' - what? I'd never heard of it.  Surely I would have heard of that, I've lived here 8 years now. 

After investigation I found out that it regularly attracts huge queues of children and has been running for no less than 51 years! Many people claim never to have missed a year.  Matilda is now a Cov Kid (whether we like it or not) so I took her down for a trip on the Coventry sleigh ride. 

The ride was great, I've attached a video link so you can enjoy the ride for yourself below. Matilda squealed as we bobbed up and down on the sleigh.  I was worried that she may cry at Father Christmas, she didn't.  She was given a bit of cheap plastic tat to take home, a pink wand that was motion activated and made a noise and lit up when it was moved.  It didn't take long for me to put the battery tag back in to stop it from working as she bashed it around while we walked out of the shop.  The noise was so loud.  I felt so mean that I took it out again once we were outside, not long after that she dropped it on the floor and it stopped working altogether.  I was relieved but sad for her, she looked disappointed - but hey it was literally cheap tat after all. 

Already I was starting to really enjoy being a mum, I can use the excuse of taking Tilly to some really great stuff. 

To experience the sleigh ride 'at home' visit: 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/coventry/content/articles/2005/11/15/santas_sleigh_ride_feature.shtml

Sleepless nights . . . a thing of the past??

Some people make me sick.  They stand there with their babies of 6 weeks and boast how they sleep through the night already and never make a peep, others moan that they had a disturbed night as their 'little angel' woke up once in the night and they are knackered. In response to these I have strong urges to lash out, we are now totting up a tidy 8 months of sleepless nights and disturbed sleep, in fact add on my sleepless nights from heavy pregnancy achey hips, needing a wee every five minutes I think it adds up to an even more exhausting 10 months.  

But finally, Tilly has spent two nights sleeping through from 7pm - 6am.   I am so impressed, although typically the first night she did it, I woke in a panic at 4am, worried that she hadn't stirred at all I got up to check if she was OK.  The next morning Richard and I looked at each other and checked if it was a good night or if the other one had prevented us from waking.  Finally we'd done it and we'd had a proper good night - like we used to, before all this began.  The next night we nervously went to bed hoping for another night and once again she did it, she also went back to sleep for another hour at 6am after I went in to see her.  7pm -7am.  Glorious.

It didn't last long. She has yet more teeth coming through and we had a 'normal' night last night - she woke at 11pm, 2am, 4,15am, 5.30am.  Eventually I was so exhausted I took her into our bed, thinking it was morning already she excitedly hit me in the face and babbled for about 40minutes until she finally bit the bullet and went back to sleep.

And so, here comes another night . . . I've got my concealer ready to cover up the growing black bags under my eyes.  

Lashings and lashings of ginger beer

Tilly has become very inquisitive and wants everything.  Recently she optimistically opens her mouth whenever I am eating or drinking anything.  Today she seemed convinced that she wanted ginger beer.   

I might like ginger beer, do I like ginger beer?, I don't like ginger beer!

We must be potty!

Now I am not suggesting for one minute that Tilly is being potty trained (I know it is all the rage in San Fransisco where mum's claim to have their baby's trained by 6 months - yeah right!), but nursery get all the babies used to sitting on the potty from 7 months.  Richard picked Tilly up from nursery and they proudly announced that she'd done a poo and a wee on her potty!  Well, after hearing some horror stories about toddlers freaking out and not liking their potties during training it makes sense that we get her used to the potty and continue what is happening at nursery.  

I went to Woolies to buy a potty.  On that note it was a sad day, Tilly will never know a trip to Woolworths - the joys of pic'n'mix and great childhood memories.  

When we got back I looked at the potty and thought I must be potty to be using it with Tilly at her age.  However as soon as her little hands started turning her imaginary taps* on I quickly got her nappy on and sat her on her potty.   Sure enough a little push later and Tilly had indeed done a poo on her potty!   I was so delighted I even took a picture and sent it to Richard at work and just in case you are sad you're missing out I've posted it here. Apologies for any offence but I've posted it small in case you're disgusted, but it is a part of mine and Tilly's life . . and this is what this is all about!

Since then I've spotted the signs a few times and we've managed to use the potty effectively. Each time I feel a strange mixture of disgust and pride. 

* Tilly has done this from quite early on, you can always tell a poo is coming when her eyes glaze over, she looks straight through you and her hands at equal distances apart start to move like she is turning on some taps.  

Wales

Following a lot of time spent concentrating on work, I had promised Richard that I'd spend some quality time with him and Tilly when the market project was over.   Richard had done some research and we'd booked a lodge in Wales, a place called Bluestone - a bit like Centreparcs. 

Anyway, we had a lovely upside down lodge with the bedrooms downstairs and a lovely open plan living area upstairs with kitchen, dining room and living room.  

There was free swimming available in a new sports centre on site, called the Blue Lagoon, it reminded me of a place called Fantaseas that we used to go to all the time as kids. There was a lazy river, a wave machine, flumes and water sprays all over the place.  We all got changed in the biggest changing room I've ever been in for just us three. We took an inflatable seat for Tilly to sit in. We got into the pool and Tilly started to squeal as she splashed in the water.  The sirens went off warning us about the immient waves, we ummed and ahhed about whether to stay in or not.  We opted for the shallow end in the middle, the waves started and we were OK for the first few minutes and then they got stronger and stronger and we opted to get out as we were starting to get bashed about.  

After the wave machine stopped we went back into the pool, we decided to take her round in the lazy river.  The river had big sprays that jetted into the centre of the currents and Tilly splashed and squealed as we approached them, we took her down the sides shielding her from the worst part whereas she seemed desperate to get right in their aim. After the jets there were some large plastic flaps like those found in supermarkets which led to an outside part of the lazy river. As soon as the cold air hit us (it is November after all!) Tilly shrieked and laughed so much, a huge smile breaking out across her face.  She is such an adrenalin junkie - she loves stuff like that. It was crazy to be doing that at this time of year, as we got pushed round by the current she continued to squeal and shriek and then laugh until we got back inside. Richard went on a flume that was pitch black all the way. We had a lovely time.  Still, it wasn't as good asI remember Fantaseas being! 

The other big highlight of the holiday was taking Tilly for a walk in a big backpack carrier.  We've been given two of them but she's always been too small to use them.  She seemed a little unsure when we first put her in but depite the biting cold wind and a very snotty nose, Tilly once again laughed and squealed as we walked across the site to the car.   

Nasty bugs - poorly parents

Both Richard and I have been hit with a nasty bug.  Mine started quite quickly on Sunday evening and I had really bad cramps all night, nearly wretching lots.  I've not really been sick since my morning sickness and having that feeling again was awful, half of my body and mind wanted to be sick and get rid of it all but the other half was clinging on for dear life, petrified of being sick again.  Not surprisingly I didn't go into work and I was eventually sick in the morning. I felt dreadful all day and slept a lot, eventually got up to catch a bit of crap TV in the form of Diagnosis Murder and then Richard phoned.  He wasn't feeling so good so came home early.  He brought Tilly home from nursery at the same time. As soon as he got home he was straight upstairs in the bathroom, for hours.   I sat on the sofa watching Tilly on her mat, she kept looking at me as I didn't have the energy to interact or more importantly didn't want her to catch it.  

Eventually I put her to bed and went upstairs too.  My sickness passed as quickly as it started as I woke up at 9.20pm feeling perfectly well - almost 24 hours exactly since it started.  

Richard on the otherhand was sick all through the night, had the day off and just when we thought he was all better he was ill the next day too. 

Bright lights and stickers

Due to the excitement of Coventry Market the Musical, we missed out on a trip out to a firework display with Tilly. Instead we watched them from the back bedroom window and she seemed interested but as they were a home display there were big gaps in between the rockets and she got distracted.

To make up for it, we took Tilly to Coventry's Christmas lights switch on this evening. Entertainment started early in the afternoon but we were planning to get in for the carnival and then the switch on. Got in just after the carnival had passed! So we watched the crappy stage show in Millennium Place and bought Tilly a cheap plastic spinning light wand (essential at any winter event!). She loved watching the lights in this odd plastic toy, a dome with LED lights that span round. I love watching her face when you can really see that she is taking everything in, she watched and grinned as acts sang Christmas carols on stage and could not take her eyes off a local punk teenagers hair! I'm always so proud to walk around with her, I'm not sure if every baby gets as much attention. I don't think I've ever been out without someone stopping me to say how lovely, what a lovely smile she has etc. Tonight was no exception and Richard and I stood proud as we heard people all around us go 'ahhh' or 'oooh' as they looked at her smiley face.

We were given all sorts of leaflets and even a sticker for The Belgrade's panto this year, Dick Whittington. The sticker was stuck directly onto Tilly's coat and she picked away at it while we were out, so I removed it and stuck it to her hat.
When we got home I was making her tea and I left her in her highchair as I often do.  I approached the table with a confused Tilly trying to shake something off her finger. It was the sticker, but sadly not a whole one . .she'd been chewing it and approximately 1/3 has been consumed. Well I've been very careful for over 8 months and I suppose it is a sign of things to come. I'd better have my beady eye ready for anything consumable soon - she later tried to eat a tissue so maybe she just likes the taste!

The leftovers of the sticker!

Four teeth

Matilda has two more teeth coming through her upper gums, they look sore already and we have the 'cutting' through to do yet.  What fun! 

We are real parents now

Matilda returned home today from nursery with her first picture!  

We proudly stuck it to the fridge - we are real parents now.

After a great night . .

Over the last week I've felt dreadful, a really bad cold.  Everyone has told me I have a stress headache but I'd had enough, I went to see the doctor today.  Without being too graphic I've had the most terrible coloured snot and an amount every per hours that I could never have imagined I could produce within a month! So I have chronic sinusitis which I'm now on antibiotics to treat - no wonder I've felt so bad.  Whilst in the surgery the doctor had to examine me to I out Tilly on the floor to play, after a few minutes she babbled her usual 'umummm-maa, umummm-maa' and I was very pleased when they asked how old she was and said it was a very distinctive 'Mumma'.  I'm so pleased that an outsider noticed and mentioned it, wonderful. 

Back to Coventry Market the Musical! The film has been added to YouTube under the BBC's national account, which is wonderful for viewing figures but it also brings in far more constructive feedback.  There have been some great comments but also some nasty ones who don't 'get' it, they think it is a serious film or they don't get that it was a process, a community event.  However, I also received an email of congrats from the big boss in the BBC which made my year. 

"This was simply one of the best community events we have done in local radio. 
Ever. 
Simple as that. 
Brilliant on air and off air! 
Thank you. 
David"

I'm chuffed to bits. 

Coventry Market the Musical!

Wow - what a night! I did it. I've managed to successfully pull off being a mum and delivering my work, there have been a few close calls. Mainly with Tilly being poorly last week and Jane and Peter having to travel down to look after her. It makes me realise how vulnerable we are without a family/friends support network to help out in times of need.

Anyway, against a raging cold up in my head that makes me feel nauseous and dizzy every time I look down, tonight Coventry Market the Musical premiered in Coventry City Centre. I'm so pleased with how it went, I couldn't have imagined it any better. The market traders had taken the day's events with such aplomb, they had all dressed up in their best 1958 garb, making cakes and generally having fun with the theme. The day was manic but brilliant. I've been backwards and forwards between the office and the market, made an appearance on the lunchtime Midlands Today and finally a surreal moment where I stage managed and cued the show on cans. It took me back to the old days so much.  




The red carpet was laid and the stars and traders came all dressed up. The stage and the screen looked incredible, nothing like I've ever seen in the Lower Precinct before. Once it went dark, it looked amazing, all bright lights and glam. The stage show, live radio OB and TV link up went all according to plan. We timed everything down to the second, surprisingly we kept to plan and made every deadline and pinch point. The atmosphere was lovely, a real sense of community and happiness, approx 600 people there. A huge sense of relief and a bit of sadness came over me when we finished. I had managed to get back to normal 'work me' and had the best time doing this project, now it is all over. On to the next one . . . !

Tilly and Richard also came to the event, even though it clashed with her bedtime. I was so pleased they were there. Richard said he was proud of me when it finished and that meant more to me than any other praise I've had. I was so pleased he could see the reason why I've spent so much time apart.



Watch the finished video here:

Mummy bad . . Daddy good

Matilda is at a lovely age at the moment, she is confident, able to entertain herself, understand certain words and meanings and is really fun to be with. For quite some time if I've asked 'Where's Shoomi' she'll immediately look down to the floor and around, as soon as she catches a glimpse of her she beams from ear to ear. Along with this she can understand Daddy and is just starting to look for me when we say Mummy.  

For some reason she finds it totally hilarious when I put my glasses on.  Yesterday she looked at my glasses on the side of the sofa and then looked up at my face and on top of my head to check if they were there.  I was amazed - she is really starting to understand life in her own small way. 

Later in the same afternoon, she had been standing up against the sofa and she dropped her plastic ring, it made a noise as it bounced on the hardwood floor and then wobbled like a spinning top.  Tilly picked up the ring again and, on purpose dropped the ring to make it do the same.  I find these moments of realisation so exciting.  I sat and watched her continue to repeat it again and again for the next 15 minutes. 

She watches everything so intently, so desperate to understand more.  She makes me giggle when I brush my teeth and she smiles at me, fascinated by what is going on, checking it out in the mirror and up close in my face.  I know she is learning as only a few minutes later she opens her mouth and smiles when her own tiny white teeth make the same noise against her toothbrush.

Tilly has been babbling away for quite some time, she is often making noises and everyone says it won't be long before she is talking. Her most lovely and most recent noises have been 'burbbbburrbbbbbburrrbbb' with her mouth (like a raspberry but much cuter) and a very knowing and confident 'da, da, da' .  The latter is said almost as if is 'that' or her own way of naming something, she is usually bashing the item at the time.   With this new babbling also has come a few occasions of 'mum', 'mama', muuummmm' and of course 'dada' and 'daadddi'.  These have always been just babblings and sadly not a way of calling us, which of course is very frustrating as we know she is capable of saying them she is just not able to say them at the right time.   This weekend her 'words' have become more defined, still not totally recognisable and definite to us but I have noticed a very obvious 'Muummmmmmaaa' when she is sad and a 'DaDa' when she is content and jabbering away.  

Tonight we made Tilly cry screams of fear, the only time I've heard her like that before was the first pooing incident.  We were watching the final race of the Formula 1 season, it was down to the wire, the final laps.  We were desperate for Massa to win the championship, but it was Hamilton's to lose, he only had to finish in 5th place. With only one lap to go, Vettel overtook Hamilton putting him in 6th and both Richard and I yelped with excitement, taking to our feet. Tilly looked shocked and horrified and immediately screamed, it took me ages to console her. And after all that Hamilton won anyway. Arse. 

Poorly Tilly

I've been waiting for months to go on a spa day with Heather.  A present we were both bought from work when we left on maternity leave.  Finally the day had arrived, Richard, Brad and the babies were going to go into Stratford while we enjoyed ourselves and had a good girly chatter. 

I left the spa relaxed but it immediately disappeared when Richard was looking very worried and stressed and disappeared with a screaming Tilly to the car.  She was burning up, she'd slept all afternoon and was miserable, not like her at all.  When we got home she was very hot, she was very needy and very unhappy.  She didn't want any food, milk or anything.  We gave her Calpol and tried to put her to bed. She was awake with a bad cough every 20 minutes so I eventually sat cuddling her on the sofa.  The fever stayed all night, she continued to cry every 20 minutes all night.  We booked her in at the doctors the next day.  

This week was a busy week, the final week before the premiere of Coventry Market the Musical!, not a great time to be off.  So Richard and I took it in turns to do half a day each.  

The doctor took one look at her throat and prescribed us some antibiotics. Tilly was very drowsy and cuddly, she just wanted to be held and comforted.  I got home and gave her the antibiotics and Calpol and she went to sleep.  Later that night I gave her the second of the antibiotic doses.  As soon as she'd swallowed it I'd suddenly realised that I'd got mixed up, the doctor told me to give her 5ml of Calpol.  I looked at the antibiotic bottle and it said 2.5ml, my heart sank as I realised I'd given her an overdose, I'd given her 5ml twice.   Richard phoned NHS direct and eventually they said it would be OK as long as we keep an eye on her.  I felt terrible and so guilty.  What a cock up. 

Tilly has remained snotty, vulnerable and poorly most of the week. She has only started to be normal perky Tilly again since yesterday, though still full of snot.   

It has been a total struggle to juggle work (the busiest time), poorly Tilly and Richard's work commitments too.  I feel also like I've let Richard down again, David asked me to stay for an important meeting at 1pm.  I was supposed to be back by 1pm, I texted Richard and he agreed to stay. The meeting went on longer than it should have and I let him down badly.  Once again I have a lot of making up to do when we are all better.  I think we all need a break and some quality time together. 

"Luck has left me standing so tall . . . .GOLD . .

 . . . always believe in your soul."

BBC Local Radio has an annual bash and awards ceremony in honour of it's founder Frank Gillard, imaginatively called The Gillards.  When I first arrived at the BBC I'd heard this term banded about every few months, it sounded so important, so grand.  I never thought for one minute that three and a half years later I'd be sitting on the front table of the awards ceremony, not only there but as a nominee!  The Frank Gillard awards celebrate the best from the 46 local radio stations across England, the project I had initiated and run last year 'Singing City' had been nominated in the Community Award category.   The Community Award recognises a stations active engagement with their audience, inspiring people to make a difference to everyday life in their area. 

I had been told by my Editor that if we won I had to go up and accept the award and make a speech.  This had been made worse by an email from a colleague shown to me just before we went into the hall, it said "if we win, make sure you mention . ." as if I wasn't stressed enough about it, they were already piecing together a trail to celebrate! Every part of my body was wanting to win but I was also terrified about going up on stage.  There were possibly 400 people sitting in the hall, many of them big BBC executives, editors from all of the local radio stations, not to mention our Director General Mark Thompson up on stage handing out the awards. 

We won!  "Brilliant . . . oh shit!"  Well, I got up on stage and did my thing.  We were now a twice award winning radio station in 3 years, not bad going.   I think I said what I should have and it could be heard on BBC Coventry & Warwickshire every 20 minutes the following day. 

Here is the full audio clip from the Gillards. It sounds like I'm crying but I wasn't, just shocked and nervous.  (I've added the pics from my archive)

I'm an award winning radio producer.  Hooray.  

The only daunting thing is that people are already talking about Coventry Market the Musical being the next award winner.  Blimey .  . I'm only just getting my breath back from this one. 

I usually love my job

but today I've had the worst day I've had in years. 

Coventry Market the Musical! is my latest project, another big scale whole station community project.  It has been a struggle and a very steep learning curve so far, I've never done TV or film before so I feel like a fraud as I talk confidently about Track and Dolly, DSR450s, adrenalin edits and the like, not really knowing what they all mean.   I'm getting there though. 

Yesterday I had to make a brief visit to the Herbert's recording studios, lay down a track, whizz down to the East End of London to finish the mix down.  Again, I may sound like I know what I'm doing but I'm merely orchestrating others to get the job done.  Yesterday was full of stress and fun, I got back late at night and had to email the finished track through to my Editor.  I was exhausted and I'd hardly seen Tilly at all.   

Today, was an all day shoot, a 12 hour shoot.  It was an optimistic timetable with lots of scenes, participants (all of whom have never done this before), a student film crew (who had only just been taught how to use the kit), a cameraman I'd never met before and did not know the market, expensive kit that needed to be kept an eye on, lots of anxious market traders worried that we'd cause too much disruption and affect their trade and to top it all off,  three show OBs!   

It didn't start well when Benjamin (the director) texted to say he was stuck in traffic and from then on my day got progressively worse.  I had to deal with the lot, be the one responsible and keep my head.  I think I may have coped better if I hadn't had two six day weeks at work for the two weeks before and nearly 8 months of disturbed sleep, and not been to London the day before. But that was what had happened.   The film crew were fantastic in the end, they went on through breaks, they didn't want to stop.  The exhausting timetable was too optimistic and by 5pm we were an hour and a half behind schedule (even without any breaks) and 100 chorus members were charging through the doors waiting for 'their moment'.  The market wasn't open to the public at this point and we had to keep them all entertained and contained.  We had to rehearse them for the final scenes which was so hard as we only knew roughly what was supposed to happen and Benjamin could turn up and change it all.  Finally the film crew did get a 15 minute break.  Sadly I couldn't join them there were choir members all chomping at the bit and I had to make sure that they didn't feel cheated in their experience in this project. 

rh aside I had almost had enough.  I knew it was starting to show.  I wanted so many times to walk away, instead I carried on dealing with problems, this time with security men threatening to close the car park with everyone's cars in.   

I chatted to a member of the choir who is 8 months pregnant, she'd also brought her daughter with her.  As I stood and chatted watching her daughter, I realised how much I missed and felt so guilty about the time I wasn't spending with Richard and Tilly due to this project. I could feel myself getting emotional. 

The shoot was supposed to close at 9pm.  We finished the shoot at 9.20pm.   After escorting the last choir member out, packing up the kit and tidying up I had well and truly had enough.  

We'd finished. I felt like I was finished too.  I packed up the kit into the car and said my goodbyes to the film crew.  I walked to my car and I could feel the tears form in my eyes, as soon as I got into the car they flowed and then turned into hollering all the way home.  I am exhausted.  As soon as I walked into the house I broke down.   I'm sacrificing a lot for this project.  My health, my mind, and more importantly my daughter and my husband.  Richard has been a total star throughout, he'd practically been a single dad with the evening rehearsals, weekend recording and filming days.  I have a lot of making up to do once this is all over. 

Daddy time

I have been at work again today, on a Sunday! Yet another day taken away from me spending time with Matilda but a wonderful opportunity for Richard to spend more time with her and gain more confidence as he is brilliant with her. Over the last few weeks, we have changed the routine as it was taking me so long to get to and from nursery, so Richard now takes her and picks her up. This has been great as I have seen him just grow in confidence with her. Spending a whole day with her is lovely and I'm pleased Richard has done it, done it really well and most importantly really enjoyed himself. It is a beautiful thing watching them together so bonded.

The same could not be said for me and my own father. Don't get me wrong, this is no sob story, in fact my immediate family history has always been seen by me as a bit of joke or a good dinner party story. "Did you know I am the daughter of a Catholic Priest?" Always an interesting show stopper really, I quite enjoy watching people's faces as they suddenly stop, not knowing whether to laugh, if I'm joking or carefully treading an imaginary path to unpick evidence to see if I am scarred by such a sordid past. No I'm not. My mum had an affair with the local priest, she was already married with four children and fled down south, married him hastily and had me a few months after. This could have been fairly romantic I suppose but the tables soon turned for her and he walked out and left us for another woman on my fifth birthday. Anyway, long story short; after my mother's breakdown and a custody ruling which meant I had to see him every Saturday for seven years before I rebelled, I stopped seeing him when I was about 14. Given all of the above I think I've turned out considerably well balanced.

After I left Uni, I wrote a letter to him. I was curious, what did he think of me? Did he ever think about me? It wasn't something I was pining for, a relationship with him. I don't really know him.
I wrote him a letter stating that I wanted nothing from him, just to let him know where I was, that I didn't want to go over who did what and who should take the blame. I've had so much of that from mum and I'm not interested. As an adult I realise that people fuck up, people make mistakes and sometimes don't always make the best decisions, there is no guide book for life. Well I was shocked when he wrote back. I remember falling to the floor in floods of tears as I realised the letter was him.  That was back in 2000. Since then I have had fairly consistent contact with Elodie, my half sister and some brief contact with Damien but very sparce contact with Pat. My and Elodie's contact heightened before our wedding, a difficult choice as I wanted her to share my day but didn't mention it at all as I knew that they could not attend the wedding. Mum was there and it would have screwed up her day and mine, it wouldn't have been my about my wedding it would ahve been about them, me and the rest of my family. It was best for them not to know, so that is what we did. I later sent them a picture and carefully crafted letters to Pat and one to Elodie.

I let them know with everyone else when I was pregnant. Now this was slightly different from marriage. I was making Pat a grandfather. I didn't get much of a response, a brief email. These things don't bother me much. I'm just fascinated to think what he really thinks, I get some very kind and bland mails but nothing that gives his game away. I'm never sure if it is because I laid down the law so clearly in that first contact letter, and I call him Pat. Maybe I've set the tone, he is not my dad. He is my father. The two are totally different. A dad is loving, caring and shares a life with their offspring, a father is purely functional, a giver of life.

Since Matilda has been born, he has sent her a few outfits. Each time she has a change up in size we receive a unceremonious parcel with some new outfits for her. That is as much as he has shown an interest in his first grandchild. I have sent a link to photos of her to him but with no response.

My reason for blogging this today is that I have received an email from Pat, out of the blue today. A reply, 4 months late to my last mail thanking him for the last set of clothes for her.

PAT
"That was it!!! hope you're all ok.. autumnn selection to arrive, hopefully, soon......when are you next in the south??"

MY ORIGINAL MAIL: On 13 Jun 2008, at 13:30

"Thank you very much for the parcel for my birthday. The little outfit for Matilda is lovely and perfect for a hot summer - which I hope comes back, it would be typical if that was it!
Hope you are all well. You must be pleased for Damien and his degree.
Lotsa love
Shiv, Rich and Tilly."

Well I'm not sure what to think. I'm agog.  Does sending me a parcel of clothes every three months suffice?  I've had more information in text messages from service providers or spam.  I would rather have an email with contact, some human interaction.  I am not someone to be bought.

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth

Well she's got them!   

I feel like a terrible mother. I've been at work all week - a special case as The Musical gets into full swing we've been in the recording studio so Tilly was at nursery for 5 days this week.  I've missed her a lot as for 2 nights this week I've got back just after she's gone to bed so I have savoured today, making up for lost time with lots of stories, playing games and songs.   The nursery feed Tilly all her meals; breakfast, lunch and tea and we give her bottles before she goes and when she comes home.  Today I fed her breakfast and I noticed resistance on the spoon, I placed my clean finger in her mouth to feel a sharp tooth. I was so excited but also felt a slight tinge of guilt . . when had this key moment happened?  If they came through mid week I hadn't noticed, how awful of me, but without feeding her food I couldn't have.  I managed to get a better look and it wasn't just one but two, both bottom teeth had broken through her gums.  This maybe explains the fact that she has woken up the last few nights a few times, apparently it happens more with teething.  

Richard was in the shower, so I waited until he came back down and told him to place his finger in her mouth.  He casually replied "Oh to feel the teeth." Oh my goodness, he knew and didn't think to tell me!!   He thought it had been like that for a long time and noticed last night.  

Today we've been out to buy Matilda a toothbrush.  I think that this is quite a poignant moment, looking at the holder in the bathroom, it is the first sign that there are three 'people' in the house.   

Milky milky

I'm not quite sure how I feel about this, I am half disgusted and half surprised.   In the shower this morning I noticed that my breasts were still producing milk.   It has been six weeks since I stopped breastfeeding and I find this totally facinating.  I knew that if I regretted my decision that I could restart it but I was under the impression that I'd have to restart within a week.  The milk is yellow again, presumably it has returned to being colostrum.  Although I'm not planning on starting again I'm curious to know if I did would I have to go back through those initial stages again, colostrum through to the milk coming in.   They just don't tell you this stuff.    I wonder when it will all just stop and my body will return to 'normal'. 

Chorus of "Bye Bye Matilda"

A wonderful moment today that I wished I could have recorded.   Collecting Matilda from nursery, I was putting her into her car seat and the other children were out in the garden looking anxiously for their parents, they started to shout "Bye Bye Matilda" . . . "see you tomorrow".  It was so lovely, a little chorus from small voices to Matilda, her new 'friends'. 

Rhythm babies and exercise!

Rhythm babies - another baby class, but one I was looking forward as I no longer attend any baby groups since I've been back at work.  Rhythm babies is a chance to sing songs with other mums and babies.  I'd dragged Matilda into work with me before the first meeting and was a little worried as to how she'd react as she was tired and asleep when we arrived.   

It was brilliant, Matilda loved it.  She got a good ol' nose at all the other babies and mums and we had fun as we sang the songs together with all the actions.   There is one where we have to walk around the room holding our babies in front of us and then we drop them down (upright) and back up again.  It is good for the babies as they get to go up and down and good exercise for us as they are squat thrusts.  Matilda giggled out loud as we did this one so I repeated again when I got home and she giggled once more.  It is amazing the rush of chemicals that I can feel running through my body when she laughs, I can only imagine it is like taking drugs, pure love and happiness but all free with no nasty side effects. 

I loved getting to meet everyone from the baby massage and breastfeeding cafes again, it was nice to have some mummy time again and be with others who can enjoy discussing sick, poo and milk.  

The only downside was my limbs and muscles the following day. I could hardly walk.  I couldn't work out why but then realised that it was the repetition of the squat thrusts all afternoon to make Tilly laugh.  My leg muscles haven't been used like that in quite some time.  

Roll over

Yesterday, Tilly's nursery book had a note saying that she'd rolled over. I was so pleased and desperate to see it.

She has had a cold for a week and although had a bad spell, the remnants are still there, she still has a very runny nose. The snot pours down both nostrils and mixes with her dribble until you can't tell the difference where it is all from! She has had a weepy eye but it looked a bit pussy, so we had to go to the doctors to get some eye drops. The doctor confirmed that it was conjunctivitis. Thankfully it is not that bad, just a mild case and it can't be that contagious as she rubs both her eyes and luckily it has just remained in the left eye.

After the doctors I brought her home and popped her on her back on her play mat, I walked out to the kitchen to get a tissue and when I walked back in only a few minutes later she was on her front. Damn. I missed it. I was so proud but gutted that I missed it. I put her on her back again but with me there staring at her, she just looked at me excitedly expecting me to do something. I've spent all afternoon trying to encourage her to do it again, even to the point of pretending to go out of the room again (spying through the door frame).

So, I suppose it is a milestone but one I've not seen yet.

Didn't come back for a year and a day

or so.

I've forgotten what it was like to have a period, mine returned for the first time in 14 months.
I've almost completely withdrawn all breastfeeding, so I kind of expected it soon. Quite weird after all this time. I have a whole new outlook on period pain now though, after labour pain they are nearly as bad!!

The Warwick Commission - TEAgate 2008

A good night in. Richard had invited Claire around for tea, Lee works nights so she often spends nights alone. Tonight showed that a lot of fun can be had without alcohol, we got merry on tea . . but not any old tea. . .

Richard told us about Kate (who works in his team) bringing up at their team meeting A.O.B her annoyance at the disappearance of her own personal milk from the fridge at work. No one was really interested at work, but this started a small discussion about ways around said problem, which then included testing of methods and even a written report for Kate fresh and waiting for her the next morning in her inbox.


THE WARWICK COMMISSION 2008: A study in Teagate

Commissioned by Kate

Carried out by Claire, Richard & Siobhan

THE PROBLEM

There has been an increase in lactose thefts from the first floor kitchen in recent weeks. Miss Kane has dominated meetings, which some of us have already lost interest in by the time they’ve started, with her continuous moaning about the effect of the thefts on her rigorous caffeine intake schedule. A method was requested to avoid the thefts.

THE PROCESS

Initial solutions were analysed :

1) Piss Milk

Technique: Piss in your milk.

PROS: Piss is free, no-one wants to drink piss (except Anita Roddick – C. Avery 2008) and the satisfaction factor is high, if you see the guilty party partaking of the lactose.

CONS: You might forget and drink your own piss, a funnel is required and you need to buy another milk for your own consumption, back to square one.

2) Salty Milk

Technique: Add several spoons of salt to your milk.

PROS: As above without the need for disrobing in University House.

CONS: You might inadvertently kill a colleague and although they deserve it as they are a thief even we don’t hate the International Office that much.

3) The ‘Other Container’ Solution

Technique: Decant your milk into an empty Coke or Gin bottle.

PROS: Colleagues would avoid as they wouldn’t be sure of what was contained within.

CONS: If using a Gin bottle, Dave Botterill would drink all your milk.


4) Traffic Light Milk

Technique: Add 5-6 drops of food colouring to your milk. Red, Green, Blue or Yellow, the choice is yours.

PROS: Funny coloured liquid in the fridge, people will avoid at all costs. Cheap solution, no taste, enhance your wacky persona by having ‘Green Tea’.

CONS: Slight chance that the fridge police will assume that your milk has gone very off. Suggest ‘not Green’ to avoid this assumption.

THE EXPERIMENTS

The testers decided to carry out scientific tests, photos were not take of option 1 for obvious reasons, this is a line a Manager should never cross with one of his minions.

Options 2 and 3 are a waste of Milk or Coke which for a 33% Yorkshire panel was not a t’thing to do.

Option 4 (see images below)



THE CONCLUSIONS

The testers found no discernable change in taste or smell and they got over the shock of drinking paint quite quickly.

Concerns were raised over knowing how much milk to add to your tea as the usual colour chart was rendered obsolete. Suggestions ranging from accurate guessing to mug lines for tea and traffic light milk need further investigation.

Report approved by Prof. A Guthrie.

Churchy folk and being struck down

I've been looking forward to Paul & Ruth's wedding for a long time. They are a lovely couple and Richard had been asked (and surprisingly said yes) to do the wedding photography for them.

The day didn't start well, Tilly woke up in a bad mood, not herself at all. Quite crotchety and not smiling at all, so I put her back to bed thinking she may improve if she had a bit more sleep. A little while later and after she woke up she was even worse, tears and screaming - her scream was high pitched and she clearly had a pain but I couldn't really work out where. After a while (45 minutes) of trying to console her on and off, she only calmed down when I was hugging her and rocking her, we gave her some Calpol. She still wasn't smiling. The time was getting on and we'd planned to leave at 8.30am, it was already 8.30am and I was still sitting in my dressing gown with wet hair, unable to get ready as Tilly seemed so upset. Richard packed the car with all our baby paraphernalia and then unpacked it as I thought it would be best if we stayed at home. She smirked a little and I knew that if I stayed, she'd more than likely be fine about an hour later leaving me at home missing all the fun. Richard packed the car once more and I made a quick dash around the house to get ready. She fell asleep in the car and seemed fine, phew perhaps we had made the right choice.


We arrived at Paul's and met his best men, they were all getting ready and didn't seem nervous at all. Which was a great thing I suppose as I rocked up with a slightly crotchety baby - the good thing is that they are the loveliest couple and Paul seems to really love children so he really didn't mind. I got changed proper and we went off to the church. I was nervous for Richard who was tooled up to the gills with cameras (2 high spec digital ones), a bum bag (i kid you not) with lenses and other gadgets in and a bag full of other cameras, memory cards and a cine camera.
I got comfy at the back of the church (strategically placed near the door) as the guests started to arrive and Tilly fell asleep. All was going quite well.
The congregation all knew each other and they all seemed to know each other from the church, or other similar faith communities. I was asked several times if I knew them from church, I felt embarrassed by my heathenistic lack of religion and mumbled into the back of the pews.
The ceremony was lovely if a little evangelistic for me, there was a 20 minute long worship via song (funky songs but still about loving the lord). The service lasted for nearly an hour and a half, after that we watched Richard sweat in the hot heat taking photographs and looking really professional with his tripod and remote control.

It was getting nearer the time to finish up at the church and go to the reception and Tilly was tired and hungry. I took her to the car and fed her, rather than put her in the pram I thought I'd pop her in her car seat to avoid moving her again. As I stepped out of the rear passenger door with Tilly in my arms, I stumbled over a boulder that had been put on the grass next to the car parking space. As I tried to regain my footing I almost caught myself but then went on the evenly space boulder and I felt myself falling in slow motion. I was petrified, I had Tilly in my arms and I started to fall face down, all I could see were more rocks. I was so scared Tilly's head would hit one, I screamed and swung my body with force to try to fall with her on top of me. I only made it half way and then the last section happened so quickly I don't remember much just that I'd missed the rock and Tilly was on the floor. Richard had heard me scream and all he saw was me and her on the floor, as I screamed desperately trying to get to my feet and pick up Tilly I could see Richard running towards me, bumbag open and lenses going everywhere. I knew she'd hit her head a little. I held her so tightly and although she was screaming I was trying to re-piece the fall in my head, how high had she been when she'd left my arms? I was sure my elbow had already hit the floor so it can't have been that bad . . ? Richard came up beside us and I was shaking, I was repeated trying to calm her down and telling myself and everyone else that she'd be OK, I think this was mainly for my own reassurance. Then Richard spotted blood coming from her mouth, my heart nearly stopped. Oh my goodness, what had I done?
I rushed into the church and asked for a first aider, no idea what they were going to do but I wanted someone to tell me it was OK. Meanwhile, all this time Tilly had been held so close to me, and with all the fuss she had stopped crying. She must be OK, she looked very interested at all the palaver that was going on. I was made to sit down and as I tried to work out just how she had cut inside her mouth with no teeth, I noticed people were wiping away blood from my arm. I couldn't care less that I was bleeding, I hadn't even noticed, I just wanted Tilly to be OK.
A lovely lady called Maggie took charge and insisted I needed to go home with her, she insisted I needed a cup of tea and a sit down, she was probably right. Richard nearly came with us but I was very embarrassed and desperately didn't want him to miss any photos for Paul & Ruth's big day as I'd made a tit of myself.
I went round to Maggie's house and she was right, a cup of tea and a calm space was just what we needed. Tilly was fine, very alert and smiley. Thank goodness.

Shitting my pants!

Well I could have done, literally.

I've not come as close for years and thankfully it has never happened but my goodness, today was nearly the day - and I had white trousers on.

Richard had bought me a ready made meal to heat up, a pasta Italian Carbonara sauce meal which I had for lunch. It was lovely, really tasty and I thought nothing of it until I was just leaving the checkout in Sainsburys this afternoon. The shopping trip had gone well, Tilly had been well behaved and I was feeling good but then all of a sudden, I felt a gurgle and drop like a shuddering pipe inside my stomach. I got to the car, put Tilly in her seat, loaded all the shopping into the car, the stomach cramps were getting far worse at this stage but we don't live too far away so I got behind the wheel and started the engine. I felt terrible and was unsure if I'd make it home. My mind was completely torn, should I get out and go to the loo in Sainsburys? How could I with Tilly? Where would I put her? I couldn't leave her on her own. I could feel myself start to sweat, a mixture of pain, fear and panic. No, I'll go home . . better there . . . not far. I started to reverse and managed to move half way out of the space but as I turned around to look out of the rear window I felt sick, I thought I would almost quite literally shit my white pants. It was no good, I'd never make it home. I got straight out of the car, rushed around and pulled Tilly from her seat, grabbed a trolley and made a fast bee-line for the disabled loo. I wasn't sure if they would let me in, would I need a key? I had to take the trolley with me, to put Tilly in. I was starting to panic that I'd either a) need a key or b)get questioned or c) it be occupied, with the panic of all of these thoughts it got worse. I was in the middle of Sainsburys with white trousers and if anyone stopped me for more than a second I was convinced I was going to shit my pants. Oh my goodness, this was awful. Tilly was squealing with delight at the speed I made my way there and all the people we were passing.

Thank god, it was empty and no one stopped me. I made it just in time as (sorry about this) felt like the world dropped from beneath me. Bloody Italian Carbonara, I liked it but my body obviously didn't! I made my way back through the store, happy with my thankfully pristine white trousers and a confused baby.

Phew. I've not felt like that in years and years. I was petrified that today was the day that I would make the local papers as Siobhán 'Shitty Sainsbury's mum' Harrison.

Back to work

Yesterday was awful. I prepared myself so much I was ready far too early and had to sit and wait until I could start the journey to nursery. When I walked into the nursery there were only a few children there, Sue approached me and took Tilly from my arms, she started to look at me with a concerned face as I walked towards the door. Sue had to let me out and as I walked away my lasting memory for the day was Tilly's sad face, bottom lip quivering as the gate shut me out on the other side. I could hear her cry as I walked back to the car and with that my own tears started dripping down my face. My tears lasted most of the journey, I'd finally pulled myself together and Richard phoned and with that I broke down again.

All I can say is thank goodness I have a job I love. It has made it so much easier. I felt at home as soon as I walked through the door, a bounce in my step. I was keen to prove that I wasn't just going to waste my time so although I wanted to, I've kept catching up chat to a minimum. I phoned twice and she wasn't feeding and was always sleeping when I called.

Richard joined me to pick her up and to meet the staff again. We walked in and she was crying in her bouncer. I think the staff had had a rough time with her, but I wasn't convinced about them at all and seriously started to consider other nurseries once again. But today was a far better day, Mandy was there again. The departure was once again hard as she cried as I left but she'd been kept healthy yesterday so I managed to keep it together as I left for work, besides I had tonnes to do at work so my mind had already started to wander. I phoned after lunch and I could tell from Julie's voice she was having a better day. When I picked her up she was sitting up in an old fashioned Silver Cross pram playing with toys and laughing at the other children, it was so lovely. She seems far from distraught by the experience, she seems really happy and it makes our time together in the evening so much more special.

This picture is a scan from Matilda's book. I knew that they'd keep a record but I didn't expect this! How strange.

I feel like a whole person again. Work is hard, the project is difficult but even more so trying to juggle with Matilda and working part time, but overall for the last two days I've felt a huge sense of wellbeing. I am me again, the me I was before, confident working me, creative me. And the best bit is that I can balance that with the new mummy-me at night. It is going to be tough but for the first time in ages I feel like a whole person again. All parts of my life are complete, I feel that the balance has been restored again.