The importance of child'care'

I was deeply upset last week when for the second week running, during the 'Box of Delights' course Matilda was having a shitty time in their free creche provision.  

The first week I forgave them for their misdemeanors and put it down to settling in. 

The second week was a complete disaster. 

So, week three: I have been tying myself up in knots about this creche provision. But I thought it only fair to give it one last shot.   

Once again as I arrived Matilda tensed up and started to scream as we walked down the corridor to the baby room.  The two care workers in their looked at each other, seemed to roll their eyes and carry on with business.  I already wanted to turn around and leave.  

I asked the main creche worker where she wanted me to put the pram, she didn't look me in the eye but humpfed and said begrudgingly that she'd have to move stuff out of the way.  It was them who asked me to bring the damn pram in in the first place, I'd rather not get it out of the car either.   

As I tried to calm Tilly down and take her coat off the manager walked in and I almost felt like I was being told off.   

"We need you to stay with her this morning to help her settle in" she said.  

I would love to, I would have loved to two weeks ago when the course first started but I was urged to leave.  I got Tilly out of her pram.  

The key worker who only a few minutes before was grumping had been whisked into a side room with the other care worker and the manager.  By this time I was sitting on the floor with Matilda still crying trying to distract her with some toys on the floor, whilst all the other children in the nursery were coming over to 'meet' us.  I got her to calm down a little but when I moved she gripped me so tightly and started to cry again.   

The realisation that I seemed to be the one in trouble seemed to have regressed me to a child myself once more.  I felt like a naughty child who had been told off by the teacher and was waiting to be taken to the head.  I started to well up, I was screaming silently in my head what are you doing?  I am a grown woman with a baby in her arms crying at a nursery.  A mixture of shock, anger, sadness for Matilda (how could I do this to her?).  I was going to call several times in the week to say I was dropping out but I hadn't. And now look.  I shouldn't have come back.   My instincts were right.   As all the different emotions rushed around my body the tears were more than welling, they had started to roll down my face.  With that, I took Tilly out of the baby room leaving the pram, coats and bags and went out into the corridor.  I just wanted to run away.  

I stood in the corridor making Tilly laugh by blowing a Chinese lantern, still with tears now streaming down my face.  I wished I could teleport or had access to a tardis to disappear.  I could not bare to go back into the room.  Eventually I walked down to the training room to let Irene the course leader know that I was leaving, for today  . . and the rest of the course. 

As I turned the corner, the manager of the children's centre was there. She was looking for me.  I was taken into her room.  In my head before I arrived there today I was going to give the three strikes and your out option to the key workers.  I had planned in my head to vocalise once more what I expect from their childcare. Only 15 minutes later I was sitting in the manager's office with my face all red, tears rolling down my face not being able to voice that articulate speech I'd prepared. I felt like the person who was going to do the dumping and who got pipped to the post. 

The manager tried to explain the situation, the creche is on top of their normal provision blah, blah, blah.   I told her about my experiences over the last two weeks and that this was going to be the last chance saloon.  When I gave examples of the dummy incident and the being strapped tightly into the pram, she said that it was on the forms but maybe that had not been communicated to staff.  Don't try and pull the wool over my eyes -each time on arrival AND on departure I explained my requests as a parent for my child is that the dummy was only to be used for sleep and that she was crawling around a lot at the moment.  

I had raised the issues with them on departure but often I've been too upset by the sight that I have been greeted with to go full whack.  I was not going to have their lack of care blamed on my lack of communication. I have left them with clear guidance every time and if they don't listen I certainly was not going to have that thrown back at me.   At this point she backed down and then admitted she had no authority over the creche workers as they were brought in externally.  

 

I had got to that point where I needed to let it all out and have a good howl.  I haven't been like that for a while and what a time for it to bloody happen?  I wanted to be clear headed, reasoned and give a clear (non-teary) response and argument.  Instead I had a (thankfully) babbling Matilda giving her chirpy two pennies worth into a teary, half hearted debate into the quality of their childcare provision.   

Lots of solutions were put forward including Matilda having free settling in sessions during the week but I'd had enough I wanted to leave now.   I was certainly never taking her back to them.  

I don't want to be one of those mothers who thinks their child never does anything wrong.  I know that Matilda will be naughty, she'll say the wrong thing, do the wrong things sometimes and when she does I will be there to enforce discipline and structure.  I don't want the nursery to think that I am pandering to her needs on this one.  At her own nursery she'll practically run through the doors, smile as she approaches because they do provide child'care'.   One thing I noticed was that the key worker today didn't say hello to Matilda when she came in, such a basic need for any child, to feel welcome.   In fact, not just her, they didn't acknowledge me either.  

While the manager went to collect my things from the baby room.  Irene (course leader) was brought in.   I had to explain it all to her again.   I'd love to do the rest of the course but I'm not doing it like this.  As we were having the conversation the chavviest, noseiest chav from thr course kept walking past the door looking like her eyes would pop out and her ears had grown, so desperate to know what what going on.   Another reason for not continuing. I'm not a snob but I don't like chavs.  In fact scrub that I probably am a snob after that last admission. 

Box of delights? . . .no, a creche of disaster

The second week, I felt Matilda tense up and then scream as we entered the doors of the baby area.  I had brought her pram in (as requested) so she could sleep in comfortable surroundings and then  I repeated the instructions of no dummy when awake.  I left her howling hoping that it would soon stop and she'd be happily playing as soon as I was out of sight.   The whole lesson I wondered if she was OK but daren't check (if she saw me she probably only start screaming again), besides they said they'd get me if anything was wrong.   

The class was good, if a little basic. We have now been joined by a total chav group, who spent the whole session discussing the local housing association and regaling stories of so-and-so getting stabbed etc.   Nice.  

There are three of us who seem to not be part of that group.   The lesson was therapeutic and I enjoyed having a bit of time to just feel like I was playing again.  

I went to go and pick her up and I felt a combination of such sadness and fury as she was sitting strapped so tightly into her pram, red eyes and tear stains down her face with her dummy in.   I was absolutely livid.  She started crying when she saw me again.   I asked them why she was in her pram, she can crawl and explore now, she is never not moving and I think it is criminal to have a 10 month old strapped and effectively gagged indoors in a stationery pram.  They said she didn't seem to like it on the floor.  Bollocks, any good childcare worker should know that if you distract an unhappy child with a toy they will soon be entertained, it just takes some effort.  

I soon had one of the ladies hollering across the room 

"Matilda's Mum, Matilda's Mum"  

she then said "don't you leave her with strangers? It may be a good idea if you left her more often, or perhaps consider putting her into a nursery"   

"What?  Like your fucking one? This shit one here?" I wanted to reply.  

Instead I told them that she did go to nursery, 3 days a week for the last 4 months and she is very happy there, practically runs in.  Maybe she is just a good judge of character. 

I spent the day worrying over what it has done to Matilda, making it up to her.  That is not right is it?  I shouldn't have to do that.  Richard and Mum both think I should give up, but surely Matilda also needs to know that sometimes she may have to go to other places and that I always come back.   Maybe I'm just kidding myself.  Maybe I'm being selfish. 

A reading chair

Matilda often looks uncomfortable when she is sitting on the hard floor so we got her a comfy chair today.   It is a bean bag armchair.  Didn't go to get one on purpose but I sat her in it in the shop and she beamed and then I found myself at the counter buying it.  

When we got home, we sat her in it and she 'chillaxed'.   

Later she sat reading her books in the chair.  It is so funny watching her in the chair, she looks comfy and seems to like it.   Although she does sink into it slowly too and struggles to get herself out. 

Matilda on the move

Matilda really is on the move now.   Pulling herself up on everthing and crawling around. I took some video of this today. 

Matilda does the washing

Matilda crawling

Wagawaiter

Wagamamas seem to have taken the mama bit in their name literally.  I was not allowed a cup of boiled water to heat Matilda's food in, instead the waiter took her food from me as only they were allowed to heat a baby's food in their special contraption.  10 minutes later he returned, as he gave it to me, he stood over my shoulder and then stopped me as I opened the lid - telling me that I must stir it properly.  Yes - thank you very much.  I have been her mother now for 10 months and I am perfectly capable of heating up food and making sure she doesn't burn herself.  Patronising git.  

Valuable lessons learnt

Tilly's neediness continued today. Her desperation to be close to me has hit an all time high, it would be nice if it wasn't every minute of the day.  Within the first half an hour she'd managed to pull herself up onto various pieces of furniture and fall down bumping her head every time.  One bump was particularly bad on the hardwood floor.  After the third bump I put up the travel cot, to contain her and keep her safe.  She wasn't at all happy.  

The afternoon was spent trying to deal with her new mobile ways.  She is desperate to get to the television, each time I say 'no' firmly she looks at me and when I say it again she bursts into tears and comes crawling for a cuddle.   So for the final part of the afternoon I put her in 'prison' as Richard calls it, or a travel cot as it is more commonly known.  She certainly doesn't like it but at least it gives me peace of mind if I'm in the kitchen that she is not going to break a bone, crack her head open, eat something she shouldn't or get her fingers trapped in something.

Matilda is often better when we are out, so I went to the breastfeeding cafe. I haven't been to the Friday one in ages, when I arrived, I quickly remembered why.  Matilda played happily on the play mats and watched the other children arrive.  As always biscuits are provided, I gave Matilda one and she sat contently on the floor eating it and offering me a bit from time to time.  This was a new thing she learnt over Christmas, to give us something and then take it back. She took to her feet and stood up at the table, another little boy (only a month older than her) came over to see her, he was also desperately looking for more biscuits.  It was at this point that she learnt a tough lesson in life . . sometimes other people don't share.  She gave him her biscuit, which he promptly took and started to eat.  She looked on in horror and then burst into tears, he tried to feed it back to her but this made her howl even more.   She came for a cuddle and eventually calmed down.  

This afternoon I took her off to BabyStart, a sensory room run by SureStart.   I haven't been to BabyStart since she was 8 weeks old. It was such a horrible experience as she was screaming that I never dared go back.  Back then all the babies were much older so I thought I'd wait until she could enjoy it more.  Today the tables had turned there were lots of little babies and Matilda was the big one that could move.   It was nice to be out and she seemed to enjoy herself.   She certainly seemed fascinated by the babies and kept wanting to poke them in the face . . .yet more lessons followed . . . .

Ah ha, she's done it

Ah ha, she's done it. Aged nearly 10 months she's properly slept through the night from 7pm - 6.52am. Oh my goodness has that been a long time coming.  I did wake up at 4am as usual but I didn't get up like I have in the past.   Hooray, here's hoping she can repeat it again and again, I have a horrible feeling it may have been a one off. 

The other thing she has also done is started to get really needy.  Today she has been a total pain in the bum.  I can't walk more than a metre away from her without her crying.  Even when she is crawling on the rug and I'm still close, not going anywhere she has cried and crawled towards me.  When I pick her up she doesn't want holding or cuddling.  I'm not sure what she wants at all.  It is very frustrating. 

Dee Dee back to 2D

Mum went home today. No matter how much I try I still do get upset when I say goodbye to her. It is always hard as she always has a tough exterior, "a lump behind the eyes" is as emotional as she gets. Probably something to do with the time when she was brought up - they were tough cookies back then. Stiff upper lip and all that. I did that squeaky/croaky voice thing as I tried to hide it . . she can't cope with crying so I squawbled some trivial chit chat gave her a big hug and she was off. As soon as she'd turned the corner I stood at the airport holding Tilly so tightly, tears once again streaming down my face. I can't help it, even when I'm writing this the tears are dripping on my keyboard. I think it was even harder this time, we've all had such a lovely time together and it is not just me that will miss her but Tilly too. I wish she lived closer. Skype is a wonderful thing but it never quite makes up for the real thing. Seeing someone pixelating and freezing every so often in a box will never quite match up to having them there and sitting on their knee (Matilda, not me I hasten to add!). So Dee Dee is back to 2D. Although I hear that Skype have just announced a new 3D camera kit, a camera that when viewed by friends with 3d specs can see you and your abode in the wonder of third dimension reality. When they invent teleporting I'll be happy.

So I'm back on my todd. I can't remember all the funny stories and rhymes that mum can but I'll have to try.

After we got home and Tilly had been for her sleep, she bent round the corner of the living room as we came through the door, craning her neck looking for mum. She looked into the dining room, then at me and then towards the kitchen. "She's gone home" I told her. Even though she didn't understand the words she looked sad. Tough luck kid, you're just left with me again.

Just say the word . . .

Richard always mocks me that I don't have a hobby. I hardly think that it is something to be ashamed of!  I do have a hobby - having hobbies. Every time I say I'm interested in something new; family trees, cooking, baking, making cards, making jewellery or whatever Richard gets so excited for me and gets me the book, the kit etc to make it happen. All of which is very sweet but sometimes I may still be making up my mind. So, when I happened to mention that I'd like to learn to crochet, no sooner had the words left my lips than a book appeared on my lap 'Knitting and Crocheting'. I could see a gleam of excitement in Mum's eye and five minutes later she'd got me a 'Crochet a Hat kit' for 8 year olds. Before Matilda had even gone to bed mum had got the wool and the hook out and was looping and giving me the most complicated instructions.
No sooner was Tilly down I sat down and learnt with mother! "Loop, hook, catch and pull . . .twist it a little, no . . pull the wool this way, give it slack . .. .pull it tight." You see, this is why all my hobbies come to an abrupt end, I am impatient and if I can't crack it I give up. After a quick tutorial mum left me to it, when she returned I was packing up the Christmas decorations having had quite enough of looping, hooking and twisting with no results. I gave it another go and although it was untidy I started to get the hang of it. I did a bit more in bed, much to Richard's annoyance as the crochet hook squeaks each time it goes through the wool. I'm only doing a scarf at the moment, the instructions for anything more fancy look far too complicated at this stage . . So who knows? Maybe everyone should expect crocheted garments for Christmas next year.. . or perhaps (and far more likely) this will be another phase.

Oxford

Day out in Oxford today, bloody freezing temperatures, -3 all the way down and it must've been colder than that with the wind.  

We arranged to meet up with Uncle John, I wish I'd taken my microphone. It was lovely sitting in Starbucks listening to him and mum tell stories.  John kept putting on a thick Yorkshire accent and doing impressions of 'Norm' - a guy who never had a puncture, always a pumpture . . .'cause you pump it up'.   Brilliant.  It reminded me slightly of the scene in Mary Poppins where they are all laughing and they float up to the ceiling, the jokes were kind of similar. 

It was sad to see John with Tilly, he is like mum, can make kids laugh and entertain them.  I remember many times being excited that John was coming, lots of thumb disappearing gags and knee bouncing.   He has two granddaughters but doesn't see them anymore, and hasn't for years. Such a shame, they grow up so quickly and I think it is a crime if people are stopped from seeing their grandparents.  If adults have a gripe that is one thing but don't neglect your children's rights to know their relatives.  I'm not sure what happened but there comes a time to bite the bullet and sort it out, if not for your children for your own conscience.   I did that with Pat.  When I made contact with him, it was purely for selfish reasons.  It wasn't that I was desperate to see him or have a father figure in my life but something that Simon had said to me about his own father.  He didn't get the chance to say certain things and was sad about that.  One of the main reasons for me contacting Pat was to make peace, to know that I'd done all I could to set the record straight and sound anything happen I would not feel guilty or wonder 'what if'?'.   We have a contact relationship but it is very sparce, a parcel here and there a birthday card and that is about it.  At some point soon I will take Matilda to see him, if not just for her to have a photo of her and her grandfather - what right have I to stop her from having that chance, that photo? 

Pat-a cake, pat-a-cake

At teatime today Tilly clapped her hands all by herself.   Then repeated it again and again.  Wow! It is amazing that sometimes the most simple things make me so proud. 

Long lost rellies

I took mum to see someone who she has traced in our family tree.  They are a bit distant, our great, great, great grandfathers were either the same or brothers.  I'm not sure.  We went to Draycote Water Park, somewhere equi-distant as he is in Northampton.  He is in his late 30s and has just had a baby boy (3months old), we met up with him, his wife and his new baby.  It was lovely to meet him.  Strange though as we are in fact strangers but we met for coffee and a walk.  Richard didn't come, opting to got to the tip instead.  Was a shame really he was a nice guy and I think they'd have got on.  Mum was excited and seemed very happy to have met him which was lovely.   She is very excited about visiting Castle Howard, Sarah has offered to take her.  The great great great grandfather was head groundsman there and they seem to have more information on site.  

These shoes are made for walking

These shoes certainly are made for walking.  Having spent a few days sticking Matilda in the same pair of socks (the only ones that stay on and have grippers on the undersides) I finally went to buy her some shoes.  It is hard to walk on laminate flooring with slippy tights on, especially when you are still a bit wonky! Mothercare has a sale on and we picked up 3 pairs for £16.  A snip when one pair is normally £12. I've even thought ahead and bought one pair in the next size up.   

It is so weird seeing her in shoes.  She looks like a little girl now, standing up in proper shoes.  Where has my baby gone?  

The shoes are all so cute, so tiny and yet sturdy.  Never mind pitter patter of tiny feet, she seems to be stomping around already.  

Richard went back to work today and I sent him an email from Matilda which cheered him up.  It was weird him not being around. For the first time in ages I thought about work and realised I'd not missed it.  I'm enjoying being off and spending so much time with Tilly, Rich and mum.   I don't want it to stop really.   The other night I had a tear in my eye as I went to sleep, as it dawned on me that I was in the house with all the things that were most precious to me.  It is a lovely feeling to have them all so close and spend quality time together. 

Tubes

A colleague at Richard's work has given us lots of Duplo for Matilda to play with.  We got it out to have a look at and Matilda was examining all the new pieces.  She quickly found some balls that you can send down large tubes built into the constructions.  We gave her a section of the tube to play with and she quickly worked out that if she put it in the top it came out of the bottom.  I was impressed and so was mum, usually it takes them a little longer to work out things like that.  Well done Tilly.   She repeated it again and then Richard made a big block building with the tube in for her to play with.   He seemed a little sad when she trashed it . . he looked crestfallen .  bless.  

"Come on Daddy - let's shop!"

We had a failed attempt to have a girly (me, Mum and Jane) trip off to the cinema today.  The film we drove half way across the city to see wasn't on in the end, and with no other films floating our boat we returned home to play on the wii.   

The boys (Rich and his dad) meanwhile had taken Tilly to IKEA, where she upheld the girls side by planning to spend on daddy's card! 

"Come on Daddy - let's shop!"

Night crawling

Before Christmas Tilly was into quite a good sleeping pattern (for her anyway) only waking once in the night. Usually just after 4am and it normally required a quick reassurance and then back off to sleep.  My body had been tricked into this pattern and I was getting used to it.  By about the 22 December this all changed again to a few small stirrings and usually one almighty one that involved screaming and crying sometimes for about 15 minutes.  I'm not sure what caused this change but my body wasn't used to it anymore.  As mum is staying I'm less likely to let her cry, instead I'm sitting by the cot shusshing her behind a blanket so she can't see me, then crawling like the SAS (she can't see me) out of the room back into ours.  Shoomi has often been sitting in the landing during these crawling sessions and although she is a cat I swear she still has the ability to lift her brow!  I know it is daft but I'll do anything for a better nights sleep even crawling very slowly on my hands and knees minding all the creaking bits in the floor (of which I know well).   

Anyway, over the last few nights it has changed again.  This time even worse.  It seems that as she has learnt to crawl during the day she is also now using her new ability in her sleep.   Each night I place her with her feet to the foot of the bed on her back to sleep, after a few hours she is on her hands and knees, her head scrunched up in the bars at the top of the cot.  I have to go in flip her over, pull her down and then try to settle her back to sleep.  This is where the problem lies, usually if I don't wake her much she'll go back to sleep quickly.  But now she is waking fully as she is distressed at being at the top of the cot and on her front and to get her back to normal I have to move her a bit which of course wakes her up more.  Last night I was up every hour and a half, flipping her over and pulling her back down.  I think there is probably something in the child rights about not being strapped down to sleep but I wish they'd reconsider.