The first week I forgave them for their misdemeanors and put it down to settling in.
The second week was a complete disaster.
So, week three: I have been tying myself up in knots about this creche provision. But I thought it only fair to give it one last shot.
Once again as I arrived Matilda tensed up and started to scream as we walked down the corridor to the baby room. The two care workers in their looked at each other, seemed to roll their eyes and carry on with business. I already wanted to turn around and leave.
I asked the main creche worker where she wanted me to put the pram, she didn't look me in the eye but humpfed and said begrudgingly that she'd have to move stuff out of the way. It was them who asked me to bring the damn pram in in the first place, I'd rather not get it out of the car either.
As I tried to calm Tilly down and take her coat off the manager walked in and I almost felt like I was being told off.
"We need you to stay with her this morning to help her settle in" she said.
I would love to, I would have loved to two weeks ago when the course first started but I was urged to leave. I got Tilly out of her pram.
The key worker who only a few minutes before was grumping had been whisked into a side room with the other care worker and the manager. By this time I was sitting on the floor with Matilda still crying trying to distract her with some toys on the floor, whilst all the other children in the nursery were coming over to 'meet' us. I got her to calm down a little but when I moved she gripped me so tightly and started to cry again.
The realisation that I seemed to be the one in trouble seemed to have regressed me to a child myself once more. I felt like a naughty child who had been told off by the teacher and was waiting to be taken to the head. I started to well up, I was screaming silently in my head what are you doing? I am a grown woman with a baby in her arms crying at a nursery. A mixture of shock, anger, sadness for Matilda (how could I do this to her?). I was going to call several times in the week to say I was dropping out but I hadn't. And now look. I shouldn't have come back. My instincts were right. As all the different emotions rushed around my body the tears were more than welling, they had started to roll down my face. With that, I took Tilly out of the baby room leaving the pram, coats and bags and went out into the corridor. I just wanted to run away.
I stood in the corridor making Tilly laugh by blowing a Chinese lantern, still with tears now streaming down my face. I wished I could teleport or had access to a tardis to disappear. I could not bare to go back into the room. Eventually I walked down to the training room to let Irene the course leader know that I was leaving, for today . . and the rest of the course.
As I turned the corner, the manager of the children's centre was there. She was looking for me. I was taken into her room. In my head before I arrived there today I was going to give the three strikes and your out option to the key workers. I had planned in my head to vocalise once more what I expect from their childcare. Only 15 minutes later I was sitting in the manager's office with my face all red, tears rolling down my face not being able to voice that articulate speech I'd prepared. I felt like the person who was going to do the dumping and who got pipped to the post.
The manager tried to explain the situation, the creche is on top of their normal provision blah, blah, blah. I told her about my experiences over the last two weeks and that this was going to be the last chance saloon. When I gave examples of the dummy incident and the being strapped tightly into the pram, she said that it was on the forms but maybe that had not been communicated to staff. Don't try and pull the wool over my eyes -each time on arrival AND on departure I explained my requests as a parent for my child is that the dummy was only to be used for sleep and that she was crawling around a lot at the moment.
I had raised the issues with them on departure but often I've been too upset by the sight that I have been greeted with to go full whack. I was not going to have their lack of care blamed on my lack of communication. I have left them with clear guidance every time and if they don't listen I certainly was not going to have that thrown back at me. At this point she backed down and then admitted she had no authority over the creche workers as they were brought in externally.
I had got to that point where I needed to let it all out and have a good howl. I haven't been like that for a while and what a time for it to bloody happen? I wanted to be clear headed, reasoned and give a clear (non-teary) response and argument. Instead I had a (thankfully) babbling Matilda giving her chirpy two pennies worth into a teary, half hearted debate into the quality of their childcare provision.
Lots of solutions were put forward including Matilda having free settling in sessions during the week but I'd had enough I wanted to leave now. I was certainly never taking her back to them.
I don't want to be one of those mothers who thinks their child never does anything wrong. I know that Matilda will be naughty, she'll say the wrong thing, do the wrong things sometimes and when she does I will be there to enforce discipline and structure. I don't want the nursery to think that I am pandering to her needs on this one. At her own nursery she'll practically run through the doors, smile as she approaches because they do provide child'care'. One thing I noticed was that the key worker today didn't say hello to Matilda when she came in, such a basic need for any child, to feel welcome. In fact, not just her, they didn't acknowledge me either.
While the manager went to collect my things from the baby room. Irene (course leader) was brought in. I had to explain it all to her again. I'd love to do the rest of the course but I'm not doing it like this. As we were having the conversation the chavviest, noseiest chav from thr course kept walking past the door looking like her eyes would pop out and her ears had grown, so desperate to know what what going on. Another reason for not continuing. I'm not a snob but I don't like chavs. In fact scrub that I probably am a snob after that last admission.
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