Back to work

Yesterday was awful. I prepared myself so much I was ready far too early and had to sit and wait until I could start the journey to nursery. When I walked into the nursery there were only a few children there, Sue approached me and took Tilly from my arms, she started to look at me with a concerned face as I walked towards the door. Sue had to let me out and as I walked away my lasting memory for the day was Tilly's sad face, bottom lip quivering as the gate shut me out on the other side. I could hear her cry as I walked back to the car and with that my own tears started dripping down my face. My tears lasted most of the journey, I'd finally pulled myself together and Richard phoned and with that I broke down again.

All I can say is thank goodness I have a job I love. It has made it so much easier. I felt at home as soon as I walked through the door, a bounce in my step. I was keen to prove that I wasn't just going to waste my time so although I wanted to, I've kept catching up chat to a minimum. I phoned twice and she wasn't feeding and was always sleeping when I called.

Richard joined me to pick her up and to meet the staff again. We walked in and she was crying in her bouncer. I think the staff had had a rough time with her, but I wasn't convinced about them at all and seriously started to consider other nurseries once again. But today was a far better day, Mandy was there again. The departure was once again hard as she cried as I left but she'd been kept healthy yesterday so I managed to keep it together as I left for work, besides I had tonnes to do at work so my mind had already started to wander. I phoned after lunch and I could tell from Julie's voice she was having a better day. When I picked her up she was sitting up in an old fashioned Silver Cross pram playing with toys and laughing at the other children, it was so lovely. She seems far from distraught by the experience, she seems really happy and it makes our time together in the evening so much more special.

This picture is a scan from Matilda's book. I knew that they'd keep a record but I didn't expect this! How strange.

I feel like a whole person again. Work is hard, the project is difficult but even more so trying to juggle with Matilda and working part time, but overall for the last two days I've felt a huge sense of wellbeing. I am me again, the me I was before, confident working me, creative me. And the best bit is that I can balance that with the new mummy-me at night. It is going to be tough but for the first time in ages I feel like a whole person again. All parts of my life are complete, I feel that the balance has been restored again.