Richard's friend Ben is getting married. We were invited to the wedding but we're not going. After a lot of talk about the wedding, getting the invitation, going down with Matilda to their house for a BBQ, it appears she is not invited. It was never explicitly stated, we just presumed and when they asked us if we were coming I noticed her name wasn't on the invitation. Richard checked and instead of being upfront, it became an email battle of 'well if it means you won't come then she is more than welcome' - which of course means she isn't invited at all. Just say it for goodness sake. There is no question in my mind, the wedding is in Somerset, it is the weekend after another wedding and I'm not going without her, she'll only be 6 months old. I've had a baby because I wanted a family, we come as a package now and there are three of us. All or nothing. I completely respect any couple's wish not to invite children to a wedding but please, be upfront about it. Don't dilly dally.
The reason I mention this is because twice already Richard has literally left me holding the baby for Ben. Before the realisation that Tilly wasn't invited to the wedding, Richard left me for the weekend to attend Ben's stag weekend in Norfolk. This was the day after she screamed the place down and we had to take her to the doctors. Tonight, once again Ben is having yet another "I'm going off the market party", just get on with it for god's sake. It is only early August, he is not getting married until September - how many more is he going to have??
I spend my days happy but lonely. I crave adult company and look forward to Richard coming home. Tonight, I'm still on my own as Richard is out. They came back earlier to drop things off before venturing out to Wing Wah. I am left sitting here, Tilly in bed asleep and me downstairs with a glass of wine. I'm not bitter, , , , well actually maybe I am. I love Tilly to bits and pieces and every moment of her loveliness my heart melts and swells again with pride of what I've made and continue to grow. But I've not had any time to myself since she was born, not really by myself. When I say this in front of Richard he comments that he has looked after her while I've been shopping. Not quite, pushing her while she is asleep in the pram outside the shop I'm in doesn't quite count. Richard has been out with work, disc-golfing, photography days with Paul and a multitude of stag events for Ben. I've done nothing. Wing Wah is literally across the road. They could just have easily got a take away and eaten it here in our dining room. I don't even need to be in there with them if they want it to be a work friends thing, just knowing that there is someone else in the house would be nice. Richard has apologised for going out tonight in advance and when he returned earlier and mentioned he really didn't want to go. His life still goes on, changed slightly but not tipped upside down like mine has by Tilly's arrival.
On Saturday I am going to work for a meeting with David and Benjamin about the market project. I'm so excited. It is something for me. I will be on my own. This is something that I'm really looking forward to but also scared of. I will worry about Tilly when I'm away. Richard is going to look after her. The only thing is he is already talking about walking her around town (no doubt outside my work) while I'm in the meeting. He needs to build his confidence looking after Tilly, he knows what to do but always double checks with me. He's often commented on the fact that he'd like to share with feeding, Tilly has been on bottles for a week and is eating some baby rice and he has not fed her once. Surely he should be jumping at the chance to bond and feed his daughter. Whenever he has looked after her while I sleep or have a shower he has a tendency to stick her in front of the television and stick Teletubbies on. I put Teletubbies on once a day to give myself a carefully planned routine of breakfast, shower, dressed and put the washing and steriliser on - it takes 15 minutes. My other justification for putting it on is that I spend the rest of the day talking to her, playing with her and just generally interacting. Richard doesn't spend a lot of time playing with her. He can make her smile at the drop of a hat - always. He is besotted with her, totally in love and I love that. However, he is also fixated on her as a photography project, obsessed by taking a photo a day. A lovely idea but I never had a father who interacted with me and I don't want Tilly to have the same experience.
2 comments:
Since posting this they all came back here. So much for wanting adult company, they arrived a little tipsy and I just felt awkward. As I started to relax, Tilly started to stir for her late night feed, so I fed her and went to bed. They stayed up.
I can't believe Tilly isn't invited to the wedding!? That sucks. What sort of wedding is it? The only reason I could think of would be that it was taking place in a crack den, full of wild and rabid dogs and pornographers, and not an appropriate place for minors (or miners as their pasty gets all wet when their palms start to sweat).
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