Every moment spent with Tilly is precious but never has it been more apparent than today. Her first settling in session at nursery. I was allowed to spend the hour with her so she got used to the space and surroundings. In that hour I could feel tears forming when they asked me when she started, I could hear my voice cracking as I answered and I looked to the floor to hide my tear stained face. Note to self - don't wear mascara tomorrow or next Tuesday.
I thought that today would be easier than it was, I wasn't leaving her just going to visit a new space with her to get her used to it. I hadn't realised how nervous I was until I had to make several trips to the loo before I left, something that usually demonstrates my fear before big events like job interviews.
Matilda seemed unconcerned about the new environment and sat down happily chewing at the toy car she'd found on the floor. I sat awkwardly on the floor behind her in case she fell backwards. There were two other babies and one toddler in the room with two nursery nurses. After a few minutes and some polite chat they asked if I was staying, of course I was staying, it had been agreed but I don't think they had been told. They didn't interact much with Matilda and she sat staring and chewing on the new toy she'd found on the floor. It was about 10 minutes in, after they questioned when she was starting properly that I the realisation of what was happening suddenly sank in - I'm leaving my baby, I'm going to leave her with strangers in a strange place. I'm not going to be with her 24/7, I'm going to miss her, her smiles, her babbling, her squeals, even her cries and her poo! I could feel my heart pound with fear. She is my precious daughter, my tiny daughter. I've never quite felt this way before, my heart is completely full of love for the little creature, she is the most precious little thing, my prize possession. I completely understand why people kill for those they love. I never want her to hurt or be hurt, I want her to have a wonderful charmed life. I'm sure these people are very good at their jobs, they seem good with the children but they are going to be responsible for my baby, my wonderful baby girl for 3 days a week and I'm scared. I don't want to leave her. I want to be like the lady in the Brittas Empire and take her to work with me and put her in the drawer by my desk (humm I wonder if David would mind?). I love her so much and I want to know what she is doing, to see every smile, hear every giggle, experience every new moment with her but I know that as of next week that will not be possible. My little girl is growing up, this is her first step to become and more independent and sociable little person.
The hour was up. I left the nursery holding her so tightly, I don't want to let her go, I don't want to leave her - ever. As I walked out of the door, I held her in a tight grip and kissed her head, she tried to pull away from me in that kind of 'get off me mum' moment - oh no, it was starting already. As I strapped her in the car seat, the tears started again - not hers but mine. My eyes welled up with tears and as I got in the front seat and drove away they slowly dripped down my face, over my mouth, I could taste their salty wetness and then as they flowed they fell onto my lap. The road became bleary through the tears and I wiped them away not just to see the road but to see the wonderful sight in my rear view mirror, I could see my little girl in the back seat. I was crying and I haven't even left her, how ridiculous.
I got home and cuddled her some more, she looked at me quizzically - there I was with mascara stains down my face, smiling through the tears. Once I'd pulled myself together I phoned Richard, as soon as I heard his voice I broke down once again. The nursery wasn't good enough for my daughter, I was having second thoughts etc etc. Of course nowhere will be good enough and I was having a wobble with this scary moment. If I am like this today, what on earth and I going to be like tomorrow??!
I finished feeding Tilly and put her upstairs to bed. As she was about to go down to sleep she vomited all over me but I didn't mind, I love everything about her. Just then I could hear a key in the door and Richard had come home to give me a hug as he said it sounded as if I needed it. Yes I did, I needed a big hug and a cry. After lunch he went back to work and once Tilly was awake I took her out shopping, we needed a bit of retail therapy to help us (or me) feel a little better. It worked momentarily, I was happy but now I'm petrified again.
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