Rock hard

That is what my breast are like at the moment.

I'm delighted that Tilly is taking a bottle, it's a breakthrough. I could continue to breastfeed her using my milk but a) expressing is a bit of a faff and b) I don't particularly want to return to work and have leaking bosoms during my meetings. So I've opted for a mixture of formula and breastmilk for Tilly. I'm going to breastfeed her in the morning and evening and the rest of the time she can have formula, good for both of us.

There is a lot of information about starting to breastfeed but then you get the hang of it and no further information is provided. What about stopping or reducing breastfeeding? I need some help. I would go to the breastfeeding cafe and ask Erica but quick frankly I know that it will do me no good. She'll say the right things and give me the answers but then make me so guilty about not continuing breastfeeding, 'did I know that employers must support mums with a room and a fridge for their milk?', 'breast is best', 'exclusive breastfeeding for 6 months' blah blah blah. I don't want to sit at work going off occasionally to 'pump' somewhere in the corner, I'd need a steriliser, it is not a dignified look, I don't want to store it in the fridge with everyone else's lunch or be bought a special 'Siobhan's breast milk fridge'. So I've been on the Internet to find out what to do - how to stop breastfeeding, or at least reduce it to two feeds a day.

One thing I must mention here is to quanitify the amount of milk I am producing. I've got to the point where I don't notice my breasts feeling full, this is because they've apparently regulated themselves for Tilly's needs. You can't see breastmilk go out, I have no idea how much Tilly has had per feed other than half a breast or a full breast. I was amazed reading the instructions on the formula milk how much she has been taking from me. For a baby of Tilly's age and weight she drinks 7 fl oz a feed, 5 times a day. That doesn't sound like much but when I made up the first bottle I was shocked, it is a large glass of milk. I'm producing a large glass of milk every 4 hours. Isn't the body amazing?

Anyway, t'internet says that once they are taking a bottle, I can reduce a feed at a time. My body will stop producing milk if it is not required and I will only produce when necessary - again, I'm already amazed. So I dropped one feed on Friday and then another yesterday and today I'm in agony! They don't tell you how long it takes. My body doesn't appear to be listening and is still producing milk for Tilly - can't it see the bottle?! I had a lacy bra on and my milk came literally gushing through the holes, I had to go and find the breast pads - I haven't used them in ages. This morning I got out of the shower and as I stood trying to get dressed, both breasts were dripping like a tap onto my toes, milk coming out so fast. Richard was sitting on the edge of the bed with Tilly with a mixture of amazement and disgust on his face.

They are sore. It feels like it did when my milk came in. It feels like someone has cut me and shoved two rocks under my skin, they are solid. I could injure myself with them. I am so amazed by the body and the changes that have occurred through this surreal journey of motherhood. I sat there touching the tops of them, fascinated by the hardness. I went over to Richard wanting him to share in my amazement.
"Feel them, they are so hard" I said
"No" he said, again disgusted.

I think it is only me who is amazed by the human body, . . my body that is doing strange and weird things.