Working girl

I've had a very exciting day. I went to work. It was part of my keeping-in-touch days during my maternity leave and an opportunity for me to feel connected before my return in 3 weeks.

Richard had to work today too, he was working in the morning and was under very strict instructions not to be late for the handover of Matilda for me to get into town for my meeting. I didn't want to be late, it would give a bad impression. We both woke quite differently, me with excitement at the prospect of going to work, Richard exhausted and disgruntled at working on a Saturday.

I spent the morning getting ready. Mum Skyped me and said I was looking happy, of course I was - I was going to be the old me this afternoon, the me who is confident, creative and organised. A me that is not covered in sick.
When I got my staff pass out of the drawer and put it in my bag it felt like I was no longer alone, I belonged again - where I was going I needed a pass! I got my nicest shirt out of the wardrobe in an effort to show that I was not a crazy mummy brained, slack and scruffy mum. I needed to show David that I am still the me that I was. I'd done some preparation, reviewing the timetable and writing up all the questions that I wanted to ask. Checking what progress had been made on each of the things I'd left outstanding.

Richard wasn't late and I excitedly fussed around the house, checking he knew what to do at what time, when to feed, when to get her to sleep, when to get her to wake up. This wasn't just me being an overprotective mother, Richard has never looked after her alone for this long before and I'd never been this far away from her before. I was confident he could do it and actually I needed him to do it. He is good with her but he doesn't think he is, he needs to look after her so his confidence grows. Today I threw him in at the deep end. After writing down the timetable of her usual day I got my coat and started to leave. I was full of excitement, slightly anxious for Richard and Tilly and also had a little tinge as Tilly bounced happily away, unaware of my departure. I kissed her on the forehead and she looked up and smiled. I almost skipped out of the front door to the car. Driving to work I felt so grown-up, just like the feeling I felt after I first passed my driving test. Independence: I was on my own, I was going to work and I'm a mummy - I am grown up!

I got into work, my pass still worked. I bleeped my way through the security doors.
Benjamin, David, Lucy and I sat down for the meeting. I had decided before hand that I wasn't going to go on about being a mum, it was harder than I thought. They were asking me questions and it has been all consuming in my life for the last few months, so of course it was hard. I think I managed to keep it capped quite well.

The meeting was a catch up with David, Lucy and Benjamin about Coventry Market - The Musical project, this was my 'work baby' before Tilly came along. I have a huge attachment to it: I conceived it, I'd grown it and left it in Lucy's hands while I'd been away but now I'm back.
The meeting wasn't what I expected, I thought we were all there for a catch up. I'd told Richard I'd probably be home by 5pm at the latest. I could tell 20 minutes in that I was not likely to get home by 5pm.
I've always struggled with my work life balance, I've never been on home on time. I've often phoned Richard to say I was leaving in 5 minutes and then got home 40minutes or even an hour later. I've known since I was pregnant that this must change, it had to, I have a baby, I have a husband and I must have a family life now. I was sitting in the meeting completely torn - do I leave and get home for 5pm, leaving the meeting unfinished or do I phone Richard and say I'm going to be late? I tried to push the meeting along, it was productive but we could have got through it much faster as there was a lot of discussion that was funny but not essential. I knew I wouldn't make it back but I didn't want to leave the meeting unfinished so I phoned Richard to tell him I'd be delayed. He sounded stressed, he said she was crying but I couldn't hear her in the background, he sounded pissed off. As I made the call I thought how many times before I've made that call "I'm gonna be late". He's always hated that part of me, the workaholic. However this time it really was different, I was torn, Matilda does come first but I still had time to get the meeting done and get back for her next feed and that is what I'd do. I could tell he didn't believe me, I promised I'd be back by 5.45pm, he grumbled and hung up.
Returning to the meeting I rushed it through, they may not have families to go home to but I did. I reeled off my pre-prepared questions and I felt I got more resolved for the project in 10 minutes than we'd managed for the previous hour and a half. The meeting was still unfinished but it was nearly done, so I apologised and went. I'm so proud of myself, I've never done that. I've never be disciplined enough not to become the person who is there at the end tidying up, doing extra and more. I said I had to be more balanced and I've done it. I just need to keep it up when I go back too.

The dashboard clock said 5.44pm as I pulled up outside and I rushed through the door, Tilly was crying. They were in the living room and my heart felt warm when I saw her, I'd missed her and wanted to hold her. I was literally taking my coat off with my left arm as I took her from Richard's arms with my right. I gave her a big kiss, I'd missed her a lot. She was all washed and clean fresh from a bath which meant that they were on track. Richard sat slumped on the sofa, he was very quiet.
I'm not sure if he enjoyed his time with Tilly, he said he'd enjoyed some of it. I felt hurt later when he said I hadn't changed, he said that I'm still more committed to work and it is just going to be like it was before, me phoning up saying I'll be late. I was gutted, he has no idea how proud I'd been of myself. I had left a meeting early - I've never done that before. I have changed, it's just that right now he can't see that. He wasn't there, he doesn't know how hard it was for me. I can tell already it is going to be difficult being a working mum but I also know I need both work and Tilly in my life for it to be complete.

So I'm a working mum. I've been me this afternoon for the first time in nearly 6 months. I've showed myself that I've not lost my ability at work, I held my own and more in that meeting. I hope that it reminded David what I'm like, that they missed me and still need me for this project. I'm glad that I have it to return to, it will give me something to fully occupy my mind when I go back, there is so much to do. I will not be able to sit there worrying about Tilly all day - just half of it ;-)