Churchy folk and being struck down

I've been looking forward to Paul & Ruth's wedding for a long time. They are a lovely couple and Richard had been asked (and surprisingly said yes) to do the wedding photography for them.

The day didn't start well, Tilly woke up in a bad mood, not herself at all. Quite crotchety and not smiling at all, so I put her back to bed thinking she may improve if she had a bit more sleep. A little while later and after she woke up she was even worse, tears and screaming - her scream was high pitched and she clearly had a pain but I couldn't really work out where. After a while (45 minutes) of trying to console her on and off, she only calmed down when I was hugging her and rocking her, we gave her some Calpol. She still wasn't smiling. The time was getting on and we'd planned to leave at 8.30am, it was already 8.30am and I was still sitting in my dressing gown with wet hair, unable to get ready as Tilly seemed so upset. Richard packed the car with all our baby paraphernalia and then unpacked it as I thought it would be best if we stayed at home. She smirked a little and I knew that if I stayed, she'd more than likely be fine about an hour later leaving me at home missing all the fun. Richard packed the car once more and I made a quick dash around the house to get ready. She fell asleep in the car and seemed fine, phew perhaps we had made the right choice.


We arrived at Paul's and met his best men, they were all getting ready and didn't seem nervous at all. Which was a great thing I suppose as I rocked up with a slightly crotchety baby - the good thing is that they are the loveliest couple and Paul seems to really love children so he really didn't mind. I got changed proper and we went off to the church. I was nervous for Richard who was tooled up to the gills with cameras (2 high spec digital ones), a bum bag (i kid you not) with lenses and other gadgets in and a bag full of other cameras, memory cards and a cine camera.
I got comfy at the back of the church (strategically placed near the door) as the guests started to arrive and Tilly fell asleep. All was going quite well.
The congregation all knew each other and they all seemed to know each other from the church, or other similar faith communities. I was asked several times if I knew them from church, I felt embarrassed by my heathenistic lack of religion and mumbled into the back of the pews.
The ceremony was lovely if a little evangelistic for me, there was a 20 minute long worship via song (funky songs but still about loving the lord). The service lasted for nearly an hour and a half, after that we watched Richard sweat in the hot heat taking photographs and looking really professional with his tripod and remote control.

It was getting nearer the time to finish up at the church and go to the reception and Tilly was tired and hungry. I took her to the car and fed her, rather than put her in the pram I thought I'd pop her in her car seat to avoid moving her again. As I stepped out of the rear passenger door with Tilly in my arms, I stumbled over a boulder that had been put on the grass next to the car parking space. As I tried to regain my footing I almost caught myself but then went on the evenly space boulder and I felt myself falling in slow motion. I was petrified, I had Tilly in my arms and I started to fall face down, all I could see were more rocks. I was so scared Tilly's head would hit one, I screamed and swung my body with force to try to fall with her on top of me. I only made it half way and then the last section happened so quickly I don't remember much just that I'd missed the rock and Tilly was on the floor. Richard had heard me scream and all he saw was me and her on the floor, as I screamed desperately trying to get to my feet and pick up Tilly I could see Richard running towards me, bumbag open and lenses going everywhere. I knew she'd hit her head a little. I held her so tightly and although she was screaming I was trying to re-piece the fall in my head, how high had she been when she'd left my arms? I was sure my elbow had already hit the floor so it can't have been that bad . . ? Richard came up beside us and I was shaking, I was repeated trying to calm her down and telling myself and everyone else that she'd be OK, I think this was mainly for my own reassurance. Then Richard spotted blood coming from her mouth, my heart nearly stopped. Oh my goodness, what had I done?
I rushed into the church and asked for a first aider, no idea what they were going to do but I wanted someone to tell me it was OK. Meanwhile, all this time Tilly had been held so close to me, and with all the fuss she had stopped crying. She must be OK, she looked very interested at all the palaver that was going on. I was made to sit down and as I tried to work out just how she had cut inside her mouth with no teeth, I noticed people were wiping away blood from my arm. I couldn't care less that I was bleeding, I hadn't even noticed, I just wanted Tilly to be OK.
A lovely lady called Maggie took charge and insisted I needed to go home with her, she insisted I needed a cup of tea and a sit down, she was probably right. Richard nearly came with us but I was very embarrassed and desperately didn't want him to miss any photos for Paul & Ruth's big day as I'd made a tit of myself.
I went round to Maggie's house and she was right, a cup of tea and a calm space was just what we needed. Tilly was fine, very alert and smiley. Thank goodness.

Shitting my pants!

Well I could have done, literally.

I've not come as close for years and thankfully it has never happened but my goodness, today was nearly the day - and I had white trousers on.

Richard had bought me a ready made meal to heat up, a pasta Italian Carbonara sauce meal which I had for lunch. It was lovely, really tasty and I thought nothing of it until I was just leaving the checkout in Sainsburys this afternoon. The shopping trip had gone well, Tilly had been well behaved and I was feeling good but then all of a sudden, I felt a gurgle and drop like a shuddering pipe inside my stomach. I got to the car, put Tilly in her seat, loaded all the shopping into the car, the stomach cramps were getting far worse at this stage but we don't live too far away so I got behind the wheel and started the engine. I felt terrible and was unsure if I'd make it home. My mind was completely torn, should I get out and go to the loo in Sainsburys? How could I with Tilly? Where would I put her? I couldn't leave her on her own. I could feel myself start to sweat, a mixture of pain, fear and panic. No, I'll go home . . better there . . . not far. I started to reverse and managed to move half way out of the space but as I turned around to look out of the rear window I felt sick, I thought I would almost quite literally shit my white pants. It was no good, I'd never make it home. I got straight out of the car, rushed around and pulled Tilly from her seat, grabbed a trolley and made a fast bee-line for the disabled loo. I wasn't sure if they would let me in, would I need a key? I had to take the trolley with me, to put Tilly in. I was starting to panic that I'd either a) need a key or b)get questioned or c) it be occupied, with the panic of all of these thoughts it got worse. I was in the middle of Sainsburys with white trousers and if anyone stopped me for more than a second I was convinced I was going to shit my pants. Oh my goodness, this was awful. Tilly was squealing with delight at the speed I made my way there and all the people we were passing.

Thank god, it was empty and no one stopped me. I made it just in time as (sorry about this) felt like the world dropped from beneath me. Bloody Italian Carbonara, I liked it but my body obviously didn't! I made my way back through the store, happy with my thankfully pristine white trousers and a confused baby.

Phew. I've not felt like that in years and years. I was petrified that today was the day that I would make the local papers as Siobhán 'Shitty Sainsbury's mum' Harrison.

Back to work

Yesterday was awful. I prepared myself so much I was ready far too early and had to sit and wait until I could start the journey to nursery. When I walked into the nursery there were only a few children there, Sue approached me and took Tilly from my arms, she started to look at me with a concerned face as I walked towards the door. Sue had to let me out and as I walked away my lasting memory for the day was Tilly's sad face, bottom lip quivering as the gate shut me out on the other side. I could hear her cry as I walked back to the car and with that my own tears started dripping down my face. My tears lasted most of the journey, I'd finally pulled myself together and Richard phoned and with that I broke down again.

All I can say is thank goodness I have a job I love. It has made it so much easier. I felt at home as soon as I walked through the door, a bounce in my step. I was keen to prove that I wasn't just going to waste my time so although I wanted to, I've kept catching up chat to a minimum. I phoned twice and she wasn't feeding and was always sleeping when I called.

Richard joined me to pick her up and to meet the staff again. We walked in and she was crying in her bouncer. I think the staff had had a rough time with her, but I wasn't convinced about them at all and seriously started to consider other nurseries once again. But today was a far better day, Mandy was there again. The departure was once again hard as she cried as I left but she'd been kept healthy yesterday so I managed to keep it together as I left for work, besides I had tonnes to do at work so my mind had already started to wander. I phoned after lunch and I could tell from Julie's voice she was having a better day. When I picked her up she was sitting up in an old fashioned Silver Cross pram playing with toys and laughing at the other children, it was so lovely. She seems far from distraught by the experience, she seems really happy and it makes our time together in the evening so much more special.

This picture is a scan from Matilda's book. I knew that they'd keep a record but I didn't expect this! How strange.

I feel like a whole person again. Work is hard, the project is difficult but even more so trying to juggle with Matilda and working part time, but overall for the last two days I've felt a huge sense of wellbeing. I am me again, the me I was before, confident working me, creative me. And the best bit is that I can balance that with the new mummy-me at night. It is going to be tough but for the first time in ages I feel like a whole person again. All parts of my life are complete, I feel that the balance has been restored again.

To blog or not to blog . . .

That is the question. . . .that I am constantly pestered about from Richard!

Richard seemed unconcerned that I had a blog, at first he couldn't understand why I was writing one. I want to write it for me, to remind me of the highs and lows, remind me how I felt and when milestones happened for me and Tilly. But recently curiosity got the better of him and he read a blog or two (sadly one of the rare bad 'uns!). Since then I have noticed that his behaviour has changed, he panics if he is not coping while changing a dirty nappy, squealing "please don't blog me, please don't blog this!" and when he has done something good he reminds me that he's been good and suggests it makes it into the blog. So just who am I writing it for now? For Tilly? A place for her to see that her daddy was a good daddy and did lovely things too.

I find this fretting about being blogged quite funny, it doesn't even cross my mind until he mentions it! He can't cope with the nappies very well that cannot be disputed but he means well and his absurd flapping usually makes me smile.
There have been many positive things to blog about but without being reminded I wouldn't have considered it 'blog worthy', this isn't to say that they aren't appreciated. So thanks and praise must go to Richard for being a wonderful husband and father to Tilly*. He has even recently got very handy and even done DIY and gardening, removing 4 tonnes of shale from the back garden so we can have grass for Tilly.

Tomorrow is back to work for me after 6 months off. Both Tilly and I have our bags packed, clothes laid out and I'm ready. I hope she is OK tomorrow. I am excited about going back. I just hope that Tilly is fine at nursery and we don't take 10 steps back with our new found friendship because of it.

* I've written this one armed, with my other arm behind my back ;-)

Underwired bras and magic knickers

With my breastfeeding slowing down to a mere two feeds a day I decided it was time to get myself a new bra fresh for going back to work. After muttering away about bra sizes I found a small selection in appropriate sizes, alongside the bras were magic knickers so I bundled up a few sizes and styles and traipsed off to the changing room. Hooray for underwired bras! I've not been able to wear one for the last 9 months as it can affect your milk flow, so my breasts have been fairly unsupported in some rather disgusting weighty and frumpy sacks. They have been merged into one breast for the last 9 months, pushed into one tube around my upper torso, nothing to separate or support them. The main selling feature has not been beauty, it has been if they unclipped for easy access, never has easy access been so unsexy! Finally today I tried on a bra and it lifted and separated my breasts into two and made me feel a little bit more like a woman again and not just a milk machine mum. It has made me feel so much happier about them, they no longer look droopy, they are lifted and are contained in lace.

On the downside I tried to gain the same feeling by trying on a pair of magic knickers. Every makeover T.V programme raves about them: Gok Wan, Trinny and Suzanne etc. I got my size and selected two different styles, one that was almost normal looking and that offered to hide my 'mummy tummy' and the other was a long tube that gave support all the way up to under the bust. After feeling so excited about my new bust shape, all was shattered the moment I tried to squeeze into the knickers. They are supposed to be tight to keep it all in but I don't think they should be this tight! It felt like the first pair was shaving off part of my hips trying to get them on. Once they were on my 'mummy tummy' had disappeared but instead of flattening it, it seemed to have just pushed it all upwards and over the top of the knickers in a huge bulge. So much for magic knickers, it didn't magic the bump away it just redistributed it in another tube of flab in a very strange position on my body. I managed (just about) to extract my way out of them and tried on the other pair. This one was longer and stopped just under the bust. Perfect all my lumps and bumps had disappeared, they were indeed magic but I could no longer breathe or move. After taking them both off the tops of my thighs were red raw. Perhaps I'll just have to come to terms with my mummy tummy or stop eating the biscuits and do some exercise! Yes, that is what I'll do, I'm going to go on a health kick and get rid of it and abracadabra myself into shape.

It didn't last long, I came back and ate a whole packet of biscuits!

"Mop and bucket, Sharon. Tears in aisle six!"

Today wasn't as bad as yesterday. I went armed with a toilet roll for the tears and slowly walked with Tilly into the nursery. There was a different nursery nurse there, Mandy, I've met her before and she seems lovely. I popped her down on the floor, we propped some cushions behind her in case she fell backwards and then I could feel the tears start to form in my eyes as Tilly's bottom lip started to protrude. I quickly told them where her bottle was and what time she was due to take it as I rushed out, desperate to get out as quick and possible so I didn't hear her cry. As I walked through the large gates at the front, the tears started. I couldn't go home, so I drove, sobbing all the way to Tescos - I couldn't cry in public. I'd just about composed myself by the time I got there, it was only for an hour. I did some shopping, acutely aware that I had something, or someone missing. I phoned Richard and then I popped over to meet him for a coffee at his work. It was great to see him, we sat and mulled over what she'd be doing. Then it was time to return already, I whizzed over to the nursery, I couldn't wait to see her.
As I arrived, the door to the baby room opened and Tilly was in the same place I'd left her, a tear sat on the top of her cheek but she wasn't crying. I got down on the floor to speak to her, she glanced at me with a vacant stare and looked away. Mandy was updating me on what she'd done and how she'd been and just then she lurched forward and fell flat on her face on the floor! Poor thing, some huge cries started and I picked her up and hugged her better, she was screaming and I really felt for Mandy who looked horrified that the incident had happened in front of me. It was a mistake and there was no harm done, she'll no doubt have many knocks and bumps as she learns to sit, crawl, stand and walk. I sat with her and finished the rest of her bottle feed while I talked to Mandy. Sadly she is not going to be there next Tuesday when Tilly starts as her daughter starts secondary school - so it seems these moments never stop being a mum. Emotional milestones it seems will keep a coming! It was better today, it is going to be hard next week but I'm sure we'll settle in soon enough.

There'll be tears before lunchtime tomorrow

Every moment spent with Tilly is precious but never has it been more apparent than today. Her first settling in session at nursery. I was allowed to spend the hour with her so she got used to the space and surroundings. In that hour I could feel tears forming when they asked me when she started, I could hear my voice cracking as I answered and I looked to the floor to hide my tear stained face. Note to self - don't wear mascara tomorrow or next Tuesday.

I thought that today would be easier than it was, I wasn't leaving her just going to visit a new space with her to get her used to it. I hadn't realised how nervous I was until I had to make several trips to the loo before I left, something that usually demonstrates my fear before big events like job interviews.

Matilda seemed unconcerned about the new environment and sat down happily chewing at the toy car she'd found on the floor. I sat awkwardly on the floor behind her in case she fell backwards. There were two other babies and one toddler in the room with two nursery nurses. After a few minutes and some polite chat they asked if I was staying, of course I was staying, it had been agreed but I don't think they had been told. They didn't interact much with Matilda and she sat staring and chewing on the new toy she'd found on the floor. It was about 10 minutes in, after they questioned when she was starting properly that I the realisation of what was happening suddenly sank in - I'm leaving my baby, I'm going to leave her with strangers in a strange place. I'm not going to be with her 24/7, I'm going to miss her, her smiles, her babbling, her squeals, even her cries and her poo! I could feel my heart pound with fear. She is my precious daughter, my tiny daughter. I've never quite felt this way before, my heart is completely full of love for the little creature, she is the most precious little thing, my prize possession. I completely understand why people kill for those they love. I never want her to hurt or be hurt, I want her to have a wonderful charmed life. I'm sure these people are very good at their jobs, they seem good with the children but they are going to be responsible for my baby, my wonderful baby girl for 3 days a week and I'm scared. I don't want to leave her. I want to be like the lady in the Brittas Empire and take her to work with me and put her in the drawer by my desk (humm I wonder if David would mind?). I love her so much and I want to know what she is doing, to see every smile, hear every giggle, experience every new moment with her but I know that as of next week that will not be possible. My little girl is growing up, this is her first step to become and more independent and sociable little person.

The hour was up. I left the nursery holding her so tightly, I don't want to let her go, I don't want to leave her - ever. As I walked out of the door, I held her in a tight grip and kissed her head, she tried to pull away from me in that kind of 'get off me mum' moment - oh no, it was starting already. As I strapped her in the car seat, the tears started again - not hers but mine. My eyes welled up with tears and as I got in the front seat and drove away they slowly dripped down my face, over my mouth, I could taste their salty wetness and then as they flowed they fell onto my lap. The road became bleary through the tears and I wiped them away not just to see the road but to see the wonderful sight in my rear view mirror, I could see my little girl in the back seat. I was crying and I haven't even left her, how ridiculous.

I got home and cuddled her some more, she looked at me quizzically - there I was with mascara stains down my face, smiling through the tears. Once I'd pulled myself together I phoned Richard, as soon as I heard his voice I broke down once again. The nursery wasn't good enough for my daughter, I was having second thoughts etc etc. Of course nowhere will be good enough and I was having a wobble with this scary moment. If I am like this today, what on earth and I going to be like tomorrow??!

I finished feeding Tilly and put her upstairs to bed. As she was about to go down to sleep she vomited all over me but I didn't mind, I love everything about her. Just then I could hear a key in the door and Richard had come home to give me a hug as he said it sounded as if I needed it. Yes I did, I needed a big hug and a cry. After lunch he went back to work and once Tilly was awake I took her out shopping, we needed a bit of retail therapy to help us (or me) feel a little better. It worked momentarily, I was happy but now I'm petrified again.

Up the bum, no harm done!

'Ol Limpalot's limp on various legs got worse over the weekend so it meant another trip to the vets to assess the damage. We went on mass, Tilly all wide-eyed at the dogs, cats, strange noises and smells. The vet got a lot of smiles from Tilly, in fact her huge gummy smiles were almost constant apart from the occasional coy glance away and then back again. Shoomi's legs were pulled prodded and poked and then she once again got a thermometer shoved up her bum. She was very well behaved considering! Probably just a sprain, keep and eye on it and give her some anti-flammatory medicine and come back if it gets any worse. As soon as we got home she raced around the house like a kitten. I'm not sure if it was to prove there is nothing wrong with her leg or the excitement of having something up her bum!

Don't make me laugh I'm trying to hold my breath!

Tilly has received a wonderful and very apt gift from Karen and Mike - Poop happens and it does, a lot! Richard experienced real poo again, coped quite well to start with but with wriggly legs and the smell, I could hear his cries for help getting more frantic. These situations are best dealt with quickly and by holding your breath, so I got to work to get rid as fast as possible. Meanwhile Richard stood almost gagging, his repulsion clear by his coughing and body language followed by retching. I started to laugh and with each breath took in more of the toxic smell. I kept trying to tell Richard to stop but we were both giggling by that point, one of those moments where you really don't want to laugh as I could feel the smell erode my lungs on the way down. Disaster averted. Richard says he is going to have to get a gas mask to do anymore, can you imagine how much he'll scare the poor girl with a mask on?! I hadn't realised that I held my breath through each nappy change until he made me laugh and I breathed the toxic air. In a way I'm quite proud of Matilda, she is helping me get him back for every time he has filled the air with his own toxic farts! Bless him.

Jane and Peter dropped in this weekend on their way back from France. I'd forgotten that Jane doesn't like me talking about Tilly's bogies. It wasn't until I was trying to get a huge one out of her left nostril in front of her that I remembered. She looked horrified, once it was out I said I was going to add it to her 'Bogie album' she looked at me, not quite sure if I was joking or not! What fun!

Family adventures

After the initial shock of getting changed, she loved every minute of it. We stayed in the pool for quite some time splashing around. It was great going as a family and I'm really glad that we did the first time together. Quite often I try new things when Richard is at work so he often hears about how she reacted, it was lovely to share the moment together.

The video is also one of Richard's proudest moments as he excitedly put it together. I spent last summer teaching 7 year olds how to use the movie making software, desperately trying to stop them from going too fast and pressing all the buttons at once - let's just say Richard was like one of them but worse, at least they slowed down a little to listen - he was far too excited!

(I wore the swimming costume anyway, who cares!)

Warts and all

I found a tiny dot on my thumb when I was 38 weeks pregnant, I went to the chemist to try to get something for it but as I was pregnant they refused to give me anything but did confirm it was a wart. Yuk, I've never had one before in my life and I don't know where it came from. Anyway, about 2 weeks into motherhood it had got a little bigger and I went back to the same chemist and asked once more for some medication. After about 10 minutes chatting on the phone to the distributor, they once again refused me any treatment as I was breastfeeding. I had to wait. It has slowly but steadily got bigger and this week I've had enough. I went to the doctors to get it sorted, surely they could help and besides I'm only breastfeeding a little now. I've been given some stuff that smells like nail varnish to paint on every day and it may take over 6 weeks to get rid of it! Blimey. I've read the packet and after applying the first dose realise that I am burning it off slowly with acid . . .nice.

Park life

My social inadequacy and loneliness was highlighted once again today. Yesterday we didn't venture out, no fresh air at all. When the rain stopped this morning I knew we had to get out, even if just for a short walk. With no money to fritter away, the shops were out of the question and I plumped for Allesley Park. There are swings there and I wondered if Tilly would be big enough to fit in them yet.

It has been a dismal morning with dark heavy clouds full of rain but it has perked up a little. It wasn't until I was in the park, entering the play area that I realised quite how much it had perked up, to 23 degrees. I was wearing a thick heavy fleece and Tilly was in a long sleeved vest, dress and thick tights - luckily I had removed her coat when I got her out of the car. We both looked terribly overdressed - everyone else was in their thinnest summer garb, short t-shirts and vests - we already looked conspicuous. The play park was full, full of mums who stared as I walked towards the swings. My mind was telling me to turn around and leave but that look conspicuous, I had to keep going. Seeing the mums made me think, it reinforced my loneliness as they sat there in their groups chatting in the sun, there were just like mobile mother and toddler groups; complete with stares, cliques and probably plenty of underlying competition for whose child is better behaved, walking, talking, dressed etc. I wandered over to the swings, I didn't want to put Tilly in it she was clearly too small but the was exit behind me I couldn't turn around and walk straight back. So I got Tilly out of the pram and awkwardly looked around, she was fascinated by the children running around and laughing. I found a board on a spring that wobbled and sat on it with her on my knee, she laughed and with that, sweat from the unexpected heat of the day running down my back I decided to move on. I'd had played on something so it wouldn't look that odd leaving so soon now would it? Probably. So I popped Tilly back in the pram and made a swift exit. I felt like a complete idiot. What mother walks into a play park gets their baby out for a few seconds to awkwardly sit on the springy thing (there was a reason why it wasn't being played on by any of the children, it was rubbish) and then leave. The same mother who has dressed both herself and her baby in winter attire while others around are practically sunbathing. That stupid mother is me. I walked off hoping that no one had noticed by little adventure, chastising myself under my breath for being both socially inadequate and shy, the awful shyness demonstrated by my embarrassing behaviour.

Relieved to get out of the play park, the fresh air filled my lungs and the combination of it and the heat I got very sleepy. I yawned my way around to the other side, passing several people along the way, all remarked on my sleepiness and all wittily suggested Tilly should be pushing me. Very funny . . . no hilarious. I gave a false smile back, I wasn't in the mood for stranger humour.

I stopped to feed Tilly on a bench in the shade and finally removed all of our excessive winter clothes. She was continually distracted and amazed by children on bikes, dogs and passers by.
As I sat winding her, I stroked the sole of her foot, totally unblemished and pure. It felt like a smooth polished pebble, the hardness of her bones protected by a lovely layer of baby fat.
I watched a man walking his dog lean down with a plastic bag to pick up his dog's poo. My recent encounters with Tilly's poo and the varying consistencies have both amazed, fascinated and repulsed me, but they are something only a mother (and father) can cope with. She is my baby, she is helpless, she needs me to clean it up and I am thankful that one day she will learn to do it by herself. A dog is not your own flesh and blood and will never learn to do it themselves - I'm glad we have a cat!

On the way back I was still pondering my failings and feeling sorry for myself then suddenly it all disappeared, on the side of the path was a hedgehog, a big one, totally still. I stopped the pram and excitedly like a child exclaimed at the top of my voice 'Look! A hedgehog!' (I'd have probably done this anyway, but thankfully it is less weird when you have a baby to talk to!). I watched intently as it slowly walked ahead of us, each time I moved the pram it stopped. I waited as it crossed the path in front of us. A man with a big dog approached, the dog had spotted it and started to pull at their lead and was barking like mad. I'd got Tilly out of the pram and she watched the big dog, I wasn't sure if she'd be able to see the hedgehog but as it moved it caught her eye and she watched as it hurried across the grass into the bushes. I wanted to tell everyone in the park what I'd seen so that they could see it too, seeing it had cheered me up a lot, I'm still such a big kid myself.

When I got back, Tilly took ages to get to sleep. She excitedly kicked about in her cot for nearly 30 minutes. Each time I tried to get her to sleep she grinned at me, a grin big enough for her dummy to drop out each time. I calmly said no, trying to close my eyes so she'd copy me and fall asleep. She grinned at me again followed by giggling, I tried so hard to keep a straight face and continue to be serious but after the third small giggle I could feel the corners of my mouth starting to twitch and then I laughed. It is going to be so hard when she is naughty to stay serious when I discipline her, if she smiles or giggles like that I know I'll crack.

Magic moments

Richard was emptying the nappy bin from upstairs to the outside bin and I could hear him muttering whilst running down the stairs "poo bag is ripping. The poo bag is rip-ping".

He's also found a great new game with Tilly. Her eyes are continuiously darting around taking in everything, they quickly go from object to object. Richard commentates by saying one word of what she is looking at. It is so funny, mainly due to the speed of her looking at each thing. Daddy, book, Daddy, bed, book, Daddybook . . .Daddybed, Daddy . . . bedbook, bed, wall, Mummy, Daddybookbed. I could hardly breathe for laughing the first time he did it.

A case of sibling rivalry?!!

Shoomi has been wonderful with Tilly. I'm not sure if it is a delayed reaction to her arrival but twice in the last two weeks Shoomi has had a limp. Different legs both times. Shoomi was and is still our furry daughter and we care about her a lot but she has been neglected, no longer do we let her sit on our legs until they go numb, I can't I never sit down for long enough for her to even get on my knee.

I've noticed that everything we get for Tilly, Shoomi adopts as hers. When we put the cot up she slept in it. When I put the donut out, Shoomi sat in it. The playmat, Shoomi lounged on it. The baby bouncer, Shoomi sleeps in it. The only thing she hasn't managed to use is the Tippie Toes - but I'd love to see her try. Is it a case of sibling rivalry?!!

Now I'm not sure if she has had enough of all this lost attention and this is an effort to get some more, if it is she is one smart cookie. The first limp (in the front leg) started almost as soon as she saw the suitcases packed for Brighton. After a quick trip to the vets and a thermometer up the bum, she stopped limping. A quick refuel with treats and hugs and we went off to Brighton and when we came home she was running around.

Yesterday I noticed she was limping again, almost hobbling along, this time the back leg. What is she doing? I fussed over her and she looked up at me with her big eyes, all forlorn. I made her walk up and down the living room trying to assess the limp, trying to find the part that hurt. I pressed and pinched each bit of the leg but only a slight whimper, nothing agonising. I gave her some treats (which she rushed towards) and she went off upstairs for her usual long lazy day of mammoth sleeps. Walking around Sainsburys I stocked up on chicken, treats, wet food and milk for her.

Today, her limp appeared again. It is occasional and not always in the same leg. Is it possible for her to be tricking us? Can cats be that conniving? Surely not our Shoomi. She came downstairs to meow at her sorry looking food tray, after seeing I was busy with Tilly I'm sure she affected a limp as she walked towards me. As I started to put out some new food she came running through. What is going on? Is this some clever trick she has devised? Am I wrapped around her little paw?

Look at Shoomi lurking in the background.

Big tick Tilly

I have a real 'baby', a real wonderful baby girl - at last!!!

Over the last few weeks Tilly has totally changed, she is far more content and just generally a delight to be with. I don't know why she has changed but she has and I love it. It wasn't until the other day, I put her down to sleep and she went down like a dream: dummy in, music on and she was off. I came downstairs and Richard remarked how quick it was and without any fuss, "she's like a real baby now". And yes, I suppose she is. He's right, we finally have a real baby and more importantly a good baby.

A few examples are that when I used to take her to Sainsurys I'd rarely get past the bananas and she'd start screaming for the rest of the shopping trip. In the past I've had to carry her around in my arms whilst pushing the trolley or on one occasion got a personal shopper to push my trolley and get me my shopping while I carried Tilly. It sounds quite a luxury but it wasn't a pleasant experience, rather than just browse I had to tell the assistant what I needed and we went around together. She was lovely for helping me, I think she could see how much I was struggling.
But yesterday I went to Sainsurys and as I walked past the bananas I could feel my back tense up and my step quicken to get as much done as I could before she started. A few isles on and she was still smiling and as I waited for the grizzles with a fixed smile on my face, she started to blow raspberries at me and in order to entertain her I did the same. We did this the whole way around the shop, we got strange looks from people as I talked loudly about everything I was doing whilst blowing the occasional raspberry but I didn't care - I was shopping and Tilly wasn't crying. Big tick #1 for Tilly.

Baby clinic has also carried the same amount of stress. Stuck in a large room full of babies of varying ages and sizes and lots of chattering mums. Usually Tilly is lovely and smiling when we arrive, queue up to be weighed, get her undressed and as soon as we pop her on the scales she is off. She has quite a loud scream for a little one. The screaming stops momentarily when she is lifted off until I dare to do the worst thing of all - I put her arm in her sleeve and she's off again. She sets off all the other babies but still manages to be an octave higher and louder, the other mums try to console their babies and shoot me evil looks as I desperately fumble to get her dressed and back out again as fast as possible. But once again Tilly has surprised me, we went off to baby clinic today, the last time I'll go to Whoberley as it is held on a Tuesday. I got her in, undressed, weighed and dressed again without so much of a peep. I am so proud of her. I even noticed rather than embarrassingly rushing out of the door with a crying baby, I left with my head held up high, smiling and my baby sitting up happily in her pram. Wow - Big tick # 2 for Tilly.

Thinking about it she really is a totally different baby. She goes to sleep by herself in her crib without much fuss (#3), she feeds well now (#4), she is on solids (#5), she smiles (#6), she can sit up unaided* (#7), she giggles (#8), her hand to eye coordination is fabulous (#9), really the list could go on and on. She just needs to sleep through the night and she'd be almost perfect.

-------------------

At baby clinic today, I saw Roxy Lee and her mum. It was nice seeing them and we had a good chat about our babies, finally she is someone that is honest and real about motherhood. Roxy is on solids too now, two jars a feed! We talked about how difficult it can be, our hatred of mother and baby groups and sleepless nights (or not in her case, lucky thing). It was so refreshing. I mentioned I was going back to work and she is too, sadly though she is going back on Weds - Fridays and I'm Mon - Weds. I thought that I should have contacted her sooner, we could have shared stories and supported each other, now our days will clash so it is another opportunity missed. Maybe she was the link that I was missing and now it is too late.

After that we went to see Richard at work. He is so proud of Tilly. He has always loved her but her new found 'contentedness' has gained her more fussing and fascination. She in turn looks adoringly into his eyes and smiles, a big gummy grin followed by a dollop of drool.


* Tilly is sitting up unaided, pretty much since Friday but now she is going for longer and longer periods. It is so nice as she can sit and reach for her toys so I can get on with things a little more instead of sitting there having to hand them back when she has dropped them.

Heather's housewarming

Earlier this week Tilly received an invitation to a party at Heather and Brad's. It was a housewarming/BBQ, they've recently moved into rented accommodation in Stafford.

Their house is amazing, a very large family home in a beautiful area of Stafford, very posh. The house is big and the garden is justgoing to be great for little Max when he starts to crawl.
We arrived slightly early as I tried to time Tilly's sleep with the car journey. Max has changed a lot since the last time we saw him, his head was held up high and he looks cute, there is no excess chub on him at all (unlike Tilly) he has a slight face with an almost pointy chin. He already looks like a little boy, he looks just like Brad. Tilly stared at him and then reached out and held his hand. It was so lovely, Max looked a little surprised and we all cooed at the sight.

People arrived, the 'barbie' was started, the chicken was burnt and the wine and tea flowed. Heather had invited all her new neighbours, they were so lovely - really lovely. We did a similar thing when we lived in Ryder Row; invited all our neighbours for a BBQ the first summer we were there so we got to know them a little better. We haven't done it in this house, maybe we should have - is it too late to do it now?

Matilda was one of many babies there and was well behaved considering she hardly had any sleep, thankfully she did manage to sleep in the pram in the garden amongst the guests.

I've had a really lovely day. Lots of laughs, good (adult) company, good food and I even drank 2 glasses of wine - I can now she is on bottles. They were all so lovely, so refreshing to be in the company of like minded people, something I realise I've just not found in Coventry yet.

Working girl

I've had a very exciting day. I went to work. It was part of my keeping-in-touch days during my maternity leave and an opportunity for me to feel connected before my return in 3 weeks.

Richard had to work today too, he was working in the morning and was under very strict instructions not to be late for the handover of Matilda for me to get into town for my meeting. I didn't want to be late, it would give a bad impression. We both woke quite differently, me with excitement at the prospect of going to work, Richard exhausted and disgruntled at working on a Saturday.

I spent the morning getting ready. Mum Skyped me and said I was looking happy, of course I was - I was going to be the old me this afternoon, the me who is confident, creative and organised. A me that is not covered in sick.
When I got my staff pass out of the drawer and put it in my bag it felt like I was no longer alone, I belonged again - where I was going I needed a pass! I got my nicest shirt out of the wardrobe in an effort to show that I was not a crazy mummy brained, slack and scruffy mum. I needed to show David that I am still the me that I was. I'd done some preparation, reviewing the timetable and writing up all the questions that I wanted to ask. Checking what progress had been made on each of the things I'd left outstanding.

Richard wasn't late and I excitedly fussed around the house, checking he knew what to do at what time, when to feed, when to get her to sleep, when to get her to wake up. This wasn't just me being an overprotective mother, Richard has never looked after her alone for this long before and I'd never been this far away from her before. I was confident he could do it and actually I needed him to do it. He is good with her but he doesn't think he is, he needs to look after her so his confidence grows. Today I threw him in at the deep end. After writing down the timetable of her usual day I got my coat and started to leave. I was full of excitement, slightly anxious for Richard and Tilly and also had a little tinge as Tilly bounced happily away, unaware of my departure. I kissed her on the forehead and she looked up and smiled. I almost skipped out of the front door to the car. Driving to work I felt so grown-up, just like the feeling I felt after I first passed my driving test. Independence: I was on my own, I was going to work and I'm a mummy - I am grown up!

I got into work, my pass still worked. I bleeped my way through the security doors.
Benjamin, David, Lucy and I sat down for the meeting. I had decided before hand that I wasn't going to go on about being a mum, it was harder than I thought. They were asking me questions and it has been all consuming in my life for the last few months, so of course it was hard. I think I managed to keep it capped quite well.

The meeting was a catch up with David, Lucy and Benjamin about Coventry Market - The Musical project, this was my 'work baby' before Tilly came along. I have a huge attachment to it: I conceived it, I'd grown it and left it in Lucy's hands while I'd been away but now I'm back.
The meeting wasn't what I expected, I thought we were all there for a catch up. I'd told Richard I'd probably be home by 5pm at the latest. I could tell 20 minutes in that I was not likely to get home by 5pm.
I've always struggled with my work life balance, I've never been on home on time. I've often phoned Richard to say I was leaving in 5 minutes and then got home 40minutes or even an hour later. I've known since I was pregnant that this must change, it had to, I have a baby, I have a husband and I must have a family life now. I was sitting in the meeting completely torn - do I leave and get home for 5pm, leaving the meeting unfinished or do I phone Richard and say I'm going to be late? I tried to push the meeting along, it was productive but we could have got through it much faster as there was a lot of discussion that was funny but not essential. I knew I wouldn't make it back but I didn't want to leave the meeting unfinished so I phoned Richard to tell him I'd be delayed. He sounded stressed, he said she was crying but I couldn't hear her in the background, he sounded pissed off. As I made the call I thought how many times before I've made that call "I'm gonna be late". He's always hated that part of me, the workaholic. However this time it really was different, I was torn, Matilda does come first but I still had time to get the meeting done and get back for her next feed and that is what I'd do. I could tell he didn't believe me, I promised I'd be back by 5.45pm, he grumbled and hung up.
Returning to the meeting I rushed it through, they may not have families to go home to but I did. I reeled off my pre-prepared questions and I felt I got more resolved for the project in 10 minutes than we'd managed for the previous hour and a half. The meeting was still unfinished but it was nearly done, so I apologised and went. I'm so proud of myself, I've never done that. I've never be disciplined enough not to become the person who is there at the end tidying up, doing extra and more. I said I had to be more balanced and I've done it. I just need to keep it up when I go back too.

The dashboard clock said 5.44pm as I pulled up outside and I rushed through the door, Tilly was crying. They were in the living room and my heart felt warm when I saw her, I'd missed her and wanted to hold her. I was literally taking my coat off with my left arm as I took her from Richard's arms with my right. I gave her a big kiss, I'd missed her a lot. She was all washed and clean fresh from a bath which meant that they were on track. Richard sat slumped on the sofa, he was very quiet.
I'm not sure if he enjoyed his time with Tilly, he said he'd enjoyed some of it. I felt hurt later when he said I hadn't changed, he said that I'm still more committed to work and it is just going to be like it was before, me phoning up saying I'll be late. I was gutted, he has no idea how proud I'd been of myself. I had left a meeting early - I've never done that before. I have changed, it's just that right now he can't see that. He wasn't there, he doesn't know how hard it was for me. I can tell already it is going to be difficult being a working mum but I also know I need both work and Tilly in my life for it to be complete.

So I'm a working mum. I've been me this afternoon for the first time in nearly 6 months. I've showed myself that I've not lost my ability at work, I held my own and more in that meeting. I hope that it reminded David what I'm like, that they missed me and still need me for this project. I'm glad that I have it to return to, it will give me something to fully occupy my mind when I go back, there is so much to do. I will not be able to sit there worrying about Tilly all day - just half of it ;-)

Real poo

Today was going to be about Tilly's hair growing and her increasing ability to sit up unaided for longer and longer. But then it happened, another pooing incident.

We've had a lovely day. She was in her bouncer and suddenly her face strained, she went red and then started to cry. I quickly removed her from the bouncer. This last week we have progressed from thicker and thicker baby rice to HiPP organic baby food jars. Rather crudely this was bound to change the consistency. She continued to strain and I took her upstairs to her changing unit. I thought I could try to help with what I'd learnt from baby massage. She was crying quite a bit, I was trying to console her but I knew there was nothing I could do but reassure her. I felt so sorry for her. Every time she tried to push, I could see a combination of discomfort and fear in her eyes. I felt totally helpless. I stood over her, holding her hand with my left hand and supporting her legs with my right. She was pushing and crying, she looked petrified. I kept telling her it was OK but I just wanted it to stop. All I could think of was how confusing it must be for her, her poos have always been dramas for me but never for her. They've always been fluid and painless. This, I could tell was going to be different. Then it came with a scream from her - a small, perfectly round hardish little log, followed quickly by another. As it came out, her scream turned from pain to relief, she was still crying almost in horror for what had just happened to her. I was shocked, they've never been like that before. They were like little cat poos. I thought she'd finished. But then her cries were louder again and I could hear Richard's car pull up outside. All I could think of was that it reminded me of my labour. There I was holding her hand . . reassuring her that she needed to push, that it would be OK. And in turn there she was screaming, looking scared at this strange and horrific thing that was happening to her body. Richard came upstairs and there I was in the final stages helping her dispel it all, which was now coming out like toothpaste. What a welcome home! After it was over, I put a nappy back on, picked her up and held her. She calmed down and her tears dried.

I could tell that Richard contemplated, just for a second (as did I) taking a photo of the results of this new phenomenon. But as the thought entered my mind and one half said 'yeah' the other half thankfully brought it back with a resounding 'Oh my goodness, no Shiv, that is a revolting thought'. Tilly is going to hate us enough with all this documentation. Some things are best left to the imagination.

Richard did take a photo of the after effects of this latest event - a surprised, tear stained face.

Tilly tripych

I filmed Tilly bouncing today with the webcam. Mainly to capture her babbling. When I was playing with the captured footage in Movie Maker I played with the effects. The results, to me at least are hilarious.

Tilly bouncing - original


Tilly fast


Tilly slow

Left holding the baby again

Richard's friend Ben is getting married. We were invited to the wedding but we're not going. After a lot of talk about the wedding, getting the invitation, going down with Matilda to their house for a BBQ, it appears she is not invited. It was never explicitly stated, we just presumed and when they asked us if we were coming I noticed her name wasn't on the invitation. Richard checked and instead of being upfront, it became an email battle of 'well if it means you won't come then she is more than welcome' - which of course means she isn't invited at all. Just say it for goodness sake. There is no question in my mind, the wedding is in Somerset, it is the weekend after another wedding and I'm not going without her, she'll only be 6 months old. I've had a baby because I wanted a family, we come as a package now and there are three of us. All or nothing. I completely respect any couple's wish not to invite children to a wedding but please, be upfront about it. Don't dilly dally.

The reason I mention this is because twice already Richard has literally left me holding the baby for Ben. Before the realisation that Tilly wasn't invited to the wedding, Richard left me for the weekend to attend Ben's stag weekend in Norfolk. This was the day after she screamed the place down and we had to take her to the doctors. Tonight, once again Ben is having yet another "I'm going off the market party", just get on with it for god's sake. It is only early August, he is not getting married until September - how many more is he going to have??

I spend my days happy but lonely. I crave adult company and look forward to Richard coming home. Tonight, I'm still on my own as Richard is out. They came back earlier to drop things off before venturing out to Wing Wah. I am left sitting here, Tilly in bed asleep and me downstairs with a glass of wine. I'm not bitter, , , , well actually maybe I am. I love Tilly to bits and pieces and every moment of her loveliness my heart melts and swells again with pride of what I've made and continue to grow. But I've not had any time to myself since she was born, not really by myself. When I say this in front of Richard he comments that he has looked after her while I've been shopping. Not quite, pushing her while she is asleep in the pram outside the shop I'm in doesn't quite count. Richard has been out with work, disc-golfing, photography days with Paul and a multitude of stag events for Ben. I've done nothing. Wing Wah is literally across the road. They could just have easily got a take away and eaten it here in our dining room. I don't even need to be in there with them if they want it to be a work friends thing, just knowing that there is someone else in the house would be nice. Richard has apologised for going out tonight in advance and when he returned earlier and mentioned he really didn't want to go. His life still goes on, changed slightly but not tipped upside down like mine has by Tilly's arrival.

On Saturday I am going to work for a meeting with David and Benjamin about the market project. I'm so excited. It is something for me. I will be on my own. This is something that I'm really looking forward to but also scared of. I will worry about Tilly when I'm away. Richard is going to look after her. The only thing is he is already talking about walking her around town (no doubt outside my work) while I'm in the meeting. He needs to build his confidence looking after Tilly, he knows what to do but always double checks with me. He's often commented on the fact that he'd like to share with feeding, Tilly has been on bottles for a week and is eating some baby rice and he has not fed her once. Surely he should be jumping at the chance to bond and feed his daughter. Whenever he has looked after her while I sleep or have a shower he has a tendency to stick her in front of the television and stick Teletubbies on. I put Teletubbies on once a day to give myself a carefully planned routine of breakfast, shower, dressed and put the washing and steriliser on - it takes 15 minutes. My other justification for putting it on is that I spend the rest of the day talking to her, playing with her and just generally interacting. Richard doesn't spend a lot of time playing with her. He can make her smile at the drop of a hat - always. He is besotted with her, totally in love and I love that. However, he is also fixated on her as a photography project, obsessed by taking a photo a day. A lovely idea but I never had a father who interacted with me and I don't want Tilly to have the same experience.

Mother and baby groups

All my life I have struggled with shyness. Sometimes I can almost pretend that I'm not me and I will appear an outgoing person confident enough to talk to anyone, but I've noticed that this tends to be when I am working. In a work capacity, I will approach strangers in the street, ask them to get involved with something or often make a fool out of myself. If only I could manage to do this when I wasn't at work, I'm sure my life would be quite different. I suppose over the last few years I've not had to deal with 'new person' shyness. When it happens I can feel myself revert to a child, hiding behind the safety of my mum's skirt. As soon as I am over it I'm fine. This shyness has all come flooding back over the last few months and never more apparent than attending mother and baby sessions.

There are many Breastfeeding Cafes held in and around Coventry. I've been going to two of them on and off since Matilda was 5 days old. I really don't know why I go. Before each one, I think it will do me good to get out and be with other adults, it will do Matilda good to be in the company of other people and get used to noises of other babies etc. But those thoughts evaporate as I walk through the door, looking at a circle of people and babies, already sitting in their 'cliques', all turning around to stare at the newcomer that walked through the door and my heart sinks deep into my shoes. I try to walk over as confidently as I can towards them. This hasn't always been the case but 80% of the times it has been like this. For 20% of visits I felt happy and recognised people I knew and got on with and we chatted and had a nice time. Shame that I can't always check if they'll be attending. This group is a drop in and it is in Tile Hill. I don't like Tile Hill.

Before I go I think of all the things I can talk about to the people I'd like to get to know a little more. When the time comes, my head disintegrates and I sit to one side and only if there is a spare seat will I dare to go and join in in the conversations some of the others are having. The difficulty is that Matilda is younger than their children so they are all talking about the stage that their daughters are at now. Also I think deep down I know that I would only ever get on with two of these people (at a push) outside this group. Why should I feel I have to make friends with someone just purely as we have children? Why . . because being a mum is so lonely, not only the long days stuck inside with only the four walls and a baby but you become a social bore to those without children. I've never thought that my life was that interesting anyway, but add a baby to the mix and I have no hope whatsoever. Richard returns from work telling me stories of office life each evening and although I don't really understand (and honestly, it doesn't sound too exciting either) I crave a little piece. Several times I've started to tell him stories of my day but stopped myself halfway as I know they are boring. I bore myself. Which underlines why my only option now is to make new friendships with other mums so we can all bore each other with tales of sick and poo. This is where my problem is, where can I find other mums like me? Mums who aren't too precious, mums who are honest. I've not found a single one so far. Motherhood is like a competition that everyone knows they are in, but don't admit it and they are all desperate to win. No one is brave enough to tell it like it is. Sometimes it is crap, really shitty (pardon the pun). Yes, I have a baby. Yes, she is the apple of my eye but she can also be a little devil and I'm tired. The two don't mix. But that is not what they'd let you believe, they have a wonderful time all the time. It is like they are in some 1950's movie or even worse a happy-clappy musical and I'm waiting for them to burst into song.

Mother & toddler groups, Breastfeeding Cafes or whatever they want to be known as are like lions dens. They are full of mums whose babies can sleep through the night, never cry and are just little angels 100% of the time. Now I don't want to put a downer on Matilda but she has proved that this is not the case. The occasions that I have been to the groups I have put my foot in it several times. I dared to mention that I was looking forward to going back to work, which resulted in me getting disgusted/pitying looks all round. It is not just the groups where I've received this reaction, someone was talking about a friend of ours and slagged off another mum as she 'returned to work', she said it with such scorn. Before I had time to interject, she had already launched into 'if you don't want to look after them yourself, best not have them' speech. After she'd quite finished I piped up, "I'm returning to work in a few weeks actually and I'm looking forward to it", she rapidly started backtracking and digging an enormous hole for herself (hard to do in a moving vehicle!). That aside, back to Mother and Baby groups.

They are supposed to be supportive places but they are nothing of the sort, all support is veiled with competition.

Imagine all of these questions with a finger to the chin in an inquisitive yet smug way.

1. Can your baby go to sleep by themselves or do they have to be rocked?
2. Are you breastfeeding? (that is a whole new debacle)
3. Can they sit up yet?
   
4. Have they got their first tooth?
   
5. How were they with their injections?
   
6. How are they sleeping?
   
7. Are you weaning them yet?
   
8. Are you putting them into nursery and when?
9. have they said their first words yet?
   

After listening to your answer, here are theirs:

1. "XX just drops off when they are taken to their room and have been like that since they were born." (except for one who scared the living daylights out of me by telling me I must get her to do it now, "DO IT NOW", or else I'll never get any sleep until she is 5.)
2. There are two camps here. Mother-bleedin'-earth (MbEs) who of course breastfeeds and took to it sooo naturally. She just flopped them out and baby latched on no problem. Never finds it a bore or sore. MbEs are in perfect harmony with their lactation, never leaking. I've noticed they usually have smaller breasts, the reason I mention this is that I can't get breastfeeding bras over a DD cup, which when I was an F before I was pregnant is pretty useless. MbEs will probably continue to breastfeed for as long as possible, they'll do it on demand and will no doubt have a small talking child running behind them asking for 'boobie'. Then there are Bottle Feeders this group is split. Half will have never even considered breastfeeding and will have wanted to bottle feed so the baby doesn't interfere with their life too much, they can let others babysit and they can continue to go clubbing (forgive this sweeping stereotype but I've met many and this was their reason). Then there are those who tried breastfeeding and either couldn't or didn't want to continue. Often this group is made to feel guilty that they aren't 'doing the best for their baby' as it is constantly shoved down their throats that 'breast is best'. Well maybe it is but don't beat them up about it. Some can't and are forced by horrid midwives down the bottle route, it nearly happened to me. It is this element of the hidden competition that MbEs win every time, and don't they sit there smugly knowing it? I feel sorry for those who couldn't - they are made to feel such a burden of guilt, by MbEs and even healthcare professionals.
3. of course they can, they are probably on the verge of walking.
4. yep probably have adult teeth coming through soon - XXX is soooo developed don't you know.
5. "didn't even whimper, XXX is sooooo brave."
6. (I hate this one) "XXX has been sleeping right through from 7pm, 7am since 6 weeks." Smug bastards.
   
7. Another one heaped in controversy, but with this it has been the mums v.s professionals in the two teams. Current guidance is exclusive milk feeds until 6 months. All I can say is god help you if you mention to Erica (the midwife) that you might be considering doing it sooner. I overheard her saying that she was going to report a foster mum to social services as she had started to wean a baby at 4 months.
   
8. Another competition, this one is also split. Points are scored for how long you have off, the longer you have the higher you score. Additional points can be scored for friends and family supporting you with the childcare when you do go back to work. Childminders v.s Nurseries. Nurseries seems to be the main option for those when they have to, but of course more point scoring for which one, what facilities it has etc etc.
   
9. oh yes, "XXX has been saying 'Mummy' since they were 6 weeks old."Well, I ask you. Babies can barely smile at that age without it being wind so I very much doubt it.
   

Wow. I didn't realise I was that bothered by it all. I was going to call this blog 'Socially inept' for that is what I am. Although I am not reconsidering, I think that given the circumstances I see why I find it so hard. I am still in shy mode and these groups require you to be brave and brazen, confident and full of shit. Perhaps I'll just stick with my four walls and my perfect baby (;-)) for the next few weeks and stay away.

Asleep at the buttons

All of our efforts to encourge Tilly to fall asleep by herself and not be rocked or fed to sleep, must've worked. Today I put her in her play pen, propped up with cushions with toys all around and she'd been playing quite happily for a long time. It all went a bit quiet. My mind was starting to panic as to what have happened to make her quiet (suffocating on a cushion or something equally awful) but there she was asleep with her toys all around her. So sweet.

With a moo, moo here . . .

It is Richard's last day off work today so we went to Hoar Park farm. There is a small holding with farm animals set up for small children, not quite as young as Tilly though! She enjoyed Brighton and all it had to offer so much that we thought we'd take her to see something else.

I've always taken it for granted that everyone has been to farms when they are little, I remember one school trip a goat ate the back of my school uniform dress! But I was never more shocked when working at Creative Partnerships and my colleague Ann (very intelligent woman with two children) and I went to a conference venue at a nature reserve. Ann, 30, shrieked as we arrived as a peacock shrilled it's tune, she had never heard the noise before. We continued to walk up to the barn past pens of animals. She asked what they were, there was a pig, a goat, some chickens and ducks. She stood back looking both horrified and disgusted at the animals in front of her. She said she'd never seen them for real before. I was absolutely astonished, I know that we were in urban Birmingham but come on. She had two children, so I guess if she had never seen them before then neither would they.

Anyway, we took Tilly to Hoar Park farm and we walked around seeing goats, pigs, cows, ducks, peacocks and lots of chickens. I walked around with her in her WilkiNet on my chest and I made all the noises of each of the animals. I've always done this anyway - tried to talk to them and now I have the perfect excuse to do it loudly as I have a child to educate!

Rock hard

That is what my breast are like at the moment.

I'm delighted that Tilly is taking a bottle, it's a breakthrough. I could continue to breastfeed her using my milk but a) expressing is a bit of a faff and b) I don't particularly want to return to work and have leaking bosoms during my meetings. So I've opted for a mixture of formula and breastmilk for Tilly. I'm going to breastfeed her in the morning and evening and the rest of the time she can have formula, good for both of us.

There is a lot of information about starting to breastfeed but then you get the hang of it and no further information is provided. What about stopping or reducing breastfeeding? I need some help. I would go to the breastfeeding cafe and ask Erica but quick frankly I know that it will do me no good. She'll say the right things and give me the answers but then make me so guilty about not continuing breastfeeding, 'did I know that employers must support mums with a room and a fridge for their milk?', 'breast is best', 'exclusive breastfeeding for 6 months' blah blah blah. I don't want to sit at work going off occasionally to 'pump' somewhere in the corner, I'd need a steriliser, it is not a dignified look, I don't want to store it in the fridge with everyone else's lunch or be bought a special 'Siobhan's breast milk fridge'. So I've been on the Internet to find out what to do - how to stop breastfeeding, or at least reduce it to two feeds a day.

One thing I must mention here is to quanitify the amount of milk I am producing. I've got to the point where I don't notice my breasts feeling full, this is because they've apparently regulated themselves for Tilly's needs. You can't see breastmilk go out, I have no idea how much Tilly has had per feed other than half a breast or a full breast. I was amazed reading the instructions on the formula milk how much she has been taking from me. For a baby of Tilly's age and weight she drinks 7 fl oz a feed, 5 times a day. That doesn't sound like much but when I made up the first bottle I was shocked, it is a large glass of milk. I'm producing a large glass of milk every 4 hours. Isn't the body amazing?

Anyway, t'internet says that once they are taking a bottle, I can reduce a feed at a time. My body will stop producing milk if it is not required and I will only produce when necessary - again, I'm already amazed. So I dropped one feed on Friday and then another yesterday and today I'm in agony! They don't tell you how long it takes. My body doesn't appear to be listening and is still producing milk for Tilly - can't it see the bottle?! I had a lacy bra on and my milk came literally gushing through the holes, I had to go and find the breast pads - I haven't used them in ages. This morning I got out of the shower and as I stood trying to get dressed, both breasts were dripping like a tap onto my toes, milk coming out so fast. Richard was sitting on the edge of the bed with Tilly with a mixture of amazement and disgust on his face.

They are sore. It feels like it did when my milk came in. It feels like someone has cut me and shoved two rocks under my skin, they are solid. I could injure myself with them. I am so amazed by the body and the changes that have occurred through this surreal journey of motherhood. I sat there touching the tops of them, fascinated by the hardness. I went over to Richard wanting him to share in my amazement.
"Feel them, they are so hard" I said
"No" he said, again disgusted.

I think it is only me who is amazed by the human body, . . my body that is doing strange and weird things.

Gorgeous not just in her mother's eyes

I am a proud mum and like any mum think my daughter is absolutely gorgeous. I also know that not everyone will share this sentiment with me. Today, Richard returned from Boots having picked up some photos from processing and the packet was just delightful. Someone processing them had written on them "How cute is your baby!!!" They may well write it on everyones photos but I'd like to think they don't. It has made me smile all day and be extra especially proud of my 'officially' cute little girl.

Then I realised I have come over all gushing about her generally. This last week has been amazing. She has just developed so much in all areas. We have a great routine going and we are far more in tune with each other than we have been before. All the things I was starting to get more and more anxious about, she has just adpated to. She is happily taking a bottle at three feeds now, she is enjoying eating thicker and thicker baby rice with more flavours. I can put her down when it is time for a sleep and she knows what she is supposed to do and lies there quietly for a while and then drifts off. She is interesting and smiley. I can make her laugh and giggle and these times are just pure joy - the best feeling, I can almost feel the chemicals rushing through my body when she laughs, better than any drug.

Hanging out with Tilly

A few years ago we went to Wellsbourne Market, the biggest outdoor market in the UK I think. We really liked it and picked up a few bargains. Since having Tilly I am a big fan of car boot sales and the like - babies grow out of things so quickly and some of the stuff is hardly used and Richard is interested in old cameras, so we thought we'd go back to Wellsbourne. We arrived and it was not what we remembered at all. I remember half normal markets, a quarter good quality car boot and the rest collectibles. I'm not sure if time has changed it but it was very chavvy, full of tat. Cheap looking stuff that had fallen off the back of lorries. So we chavved it up and bought a burger from the burger van and an ice cream from the van at the other end and went home. I think Tilly's face in this picture says it all.

Bag, what bag?

Siobhán is relieved her bag (with purse and other valuables) was still on the pavement 40 minutes after realising it wasn't on the pram in town. 5:35pm

Blues Singer at 8:47pm August 1

Oh my, that was lucky!!! You do have Mum-head now. Don't worry, Mike has had the same problem for years and he manages to get by :)

Siobhán Harrison at 10:22am August 2

In fact, even with my mummy brain I would still never do such a thing. Richard was packing the car. I was in IKEA and just asked casually "where is the changing bag?" Richard went into turbo flap mode (as he knew where it was). I (surprisingly for me) took it all quite calmly as Richard drove home and back. i was in town with no phone, no money ... or more scarily than any of the above- no nappies and both Tilly and I were in white. Tilly was due a steaming heap but thankfully she held it in until we got home. Phew. Quite an eventful trip.

Beth Jaggs at 2:48pm August 5

Oh the joys of mummy brain. After a shopping trip I left the buggy on the side of the road and only realised when I'd driven home. Thankfully I hadn't left Sam in it - and it was still there when I went back! xx