Picnicing in the car

half an hour into our mammoth 6 hour journey home, Tilly has been singing all the way so far ETA home by 5pm (allowing for stops)

Travelling back home from Mum's all the way home through deep snow and closed motorways. As always, was very hard to say goodbye to mum. I did the usual bye and look away as tears filled my eyes. Why do I do that?

Anyway, Tilly was an absolute angel the whole way back. I sat in the back with her. Richard had to drive through terrible snow as the M8 was closed, we were diverted the scenic route via Biggar. It was deep there and the roads small and untreated.

We got almost to Gretna Green when Tilly started to shout for a poo & her potty so we took the opportunity to stop for lunch too. We had a picnic in the car.

We had a quick mooch around and then we set off. We spent a further 4 or 5 hours in the car, arriving home just before 6pm. Poor Tilly. When we got in she was delighted to see Shoomi.

Happy New Year

Things Tilly Says - 31st December 2009

*on spotting the homemade Christmas card we sent to DeeDee*

"OH MINE, Tilda made that!"

Things Tilly Says - all over Christmas

(Said as if for the 20th time, everytime Tilly wants you to go with her)

"HUM ON Daddy! HUM ON Daddy!"

Things Tilly Says - 29 December 2009

(repeating what Mummy just asked Daddy)

"Do you want a drink BABE?"

Repeating baby

(repeating what Mummy just asked Daddy) Do you want a drink BABE?

Two puddings Tilly

Tilly pogging out on chocolate ice cream AND a Bambinocino

Whoops, slippy

(Stumbling along a pitch-black path through the woods, with solid ice...everywhere) Slippy...WHOOPS...cold...WHOOPS (ad infinitum)

Things Tilly Says - 27 December 2009

(Stumbling along a pitch-black path through the woods, with solid ice...everywhere)

"Slippy...WHOOPS...cold...WHOOPS" (ad infinitum)

Where's the sun?

(Look Tilly it's still dark, maybe it is still night) OH NO where the sun?

Kisses for the stool

(Tilly was climbing up on a plastic step and it tipped over) OH DEAR (then picked it up & gave it a kiss for being broken)

Things Tilly Says - 27 December 2009

(Look Tilly it's still dark, maybe it is still night)

"OH NO where the sun?"

Things Tilly Says - 26 December 2009

(Tilly was climbing up on a plastic step and it tipped over)

"OH DEAR"

(then picked it up & gave it a kiss for being broken)

Hum on Daddy

(Said as if for the 20th time, everytime Tilly wants you to go with her) HUM ON Daddy! HUM ON Daddy!

More white hairs

I've obviously had a stressful Christmas, I've just found a white hair

Cheerios first. . .THEN Christmas presents . . .

Father Christmas has been but Tilly is more interested in having her Cheerios first.

Things Tilly says - 24 December 2009

How many toes have you got?

"Two, Three, LICKLE!"

Two, Three, LICKLE!

(How many toes have you got?) Two, Three, LICKLE!

Balloons - a harsh reality . . .

Tilda in Mummy's boots

The bells, the bells . . .

Going out on Rememberance Sunday to Coventry Cathedral. We went jumping in puddles in our wellies.



"the bells, the bells"

Banana milkshake

Feather Down Farm holiday

Tilly at the beach

while mummy is away . . .daddy lets me eat cake

Impro Jazz

Tilly likes the new piano

Tilly nods off during dinner

Peter Pointer

Whilst changing Tilly's nappy today she was practicing bending her index finger.  We've been singing and acting out a lot of nursery rhymes recently including Tommy Thumb.  She looked so pleased with herself for doing it, continuing to do it over and over again.  I am incredibly proud of each of these seemingly minor milestones but they are all such big ones in our eyes. 

Blood

Tilly was crawling around on the floor and seemed quite happy.  Out of the corner of my eye I could see her doing what looked like press ups, I guess she was playing and experimenting.   All of a sudden she just released her head and her face sped towards the hard laminate floor and I heard the bump as it made contact.  Her cry started, one of those cries that starts with a big intake of breath followed by silence, the length of the silence usually tells me just how much something hurts.  I scooped her up off the floor, after a long silence, her face red, eyes full of tears and her mouth wide open the howl finally came.  I expected that she'd hurt herself badly and I was right, her lips had been caught between the floor and her teeth and blood had started to show in her mouth.   I'm not sure if it is because I knew how she'd injured herself but I was surprised how remarkably calm I was.  I don't really like the sight of blood, especially in other people.  I took her into the kitchen to get a tissue and find something to placate her and take away the taste of the blood.   I popped her on the kitchen counter and gave her a tiny Milky Way little star, which although hadn't removed the shock completely was certainly helping. Richard had followed us into the kitchen, looking very concerned and worried she seemed to pick up on this and start again.  Richard is usually the calm one in things like this and I'm normally the one panicking and over-reacting.   After a few minutes she was OK.  Her lip is swollen and is clearly sore but perhaps she'll have learnt not to drop her face to the floor in future!

Radio feature about being a mum

University of Warwick has issued a new research paper about the difficulties of motherhood on modern women as they no longer have an extended family network.  

I was asked to take part on BBC Coventry & Warwickshire's Annie Othen mid-morning show to talk about my experiences. Available on BBCiPlayer from 20 minutes into the recording for 30 minutes. 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p0028xt9/Annie_Othen_03_03_2009/

A compliment

A compliment has made my day. A few weeks ago I went to visit a friend from work who had just had a baby. I've just been speaking to another friend to ask how she is now, she said that she told her she enjoyed my visit as it was a breath of fresh air compared to some other mums as I was very down to earth. Very real and relaxed with motherhood in comparison to other people she'd met.

Jam Jam Boomerang and walking

At the Box of Delights course we were talking about birthday parties and things to do with our little ones. Nicole recommended Funky Monkeys or Jam Jam Boomerang, I was quite surprised, I didn't think that they'd take children as young as Tilly but apparently they do and the adults get to play in there with them - bonus. So today, we went to find Jam Jam Boomerang. It is a large warehouse on the outskirts of Coventry and as we approached the door we could hear the children screaming inside. Adults are free, so it only cost us £2.00 to get in which we thought was a bargain. You get 2 hours of fun in a soft play area. Tilly had fallen asleep in the car was wasn't best pleased when we woke her up to get her out, so she was still a bit groggy when we got in. We took her into the PVC clad foam climbing frame, all caged in with netting. Tilly seemed totally bemused and a little uncertain. Richard went up with her and I stood looking through the net to encourage her to move around it a lot more. After two trips round the lumps, ramps, through tunnels, down slides etc she was fine and you could see her really start to enjoy it and more importantly to get better at her agility with the strange obstacles. It reminded me a lot of the children's TV show 'Funhouse'. We spent nearly the full 2 hours there, mainly crawling around on all fours and squeezing through the obstacles that had been designed for small children. It was a great and cheap day out and I'd certainly do it again.

Tilly has been practising walking a lot more today. Before we went to Jam Jam, we took this video footage of her walking. She tends to have a problem when she gets excited about what she's doing, she giggles, her knees go and she launches forwards towards us.



Later this afternoon I took her out into the garden to practice. They say that children start to walk better in open spaces as they feel less likely to knock into something and feel free to move. She did really well and probably took about 16 steps. I can't believe how fast she is learning, it was only Friday that she took her first steps and she's grasping it quickly, with much better standing balance too.
I'm so proud of her. It is so amazing to think that not even a year ago she was still inside me and already she is out, crawling, walking, babbling and understanding what I say.
Her understanding is growing so fast. Yesterday we were reading books, she kept going to her bookcase, picking out a new book and coming back to the sofa to read it. After flicking through all the pages, she'd turn around go over to the bookcase and point at the next book and back. This continued for about six books. A while later I asked if she wanted to read a book and she turned to look at the bookcase.
Today we were standing by the light switch and she was trying to turn it on and off. I was telling her it changed the light but with the bright daylight the difference could hardly be seen. Richard said she didn't understand and I almost agreed until she pushed it and then turned and pointed at the light.
Earlier today she came to see me in the kitchen, she'd just been playing with a ball that she no longer had. I asked her where the ball was and she turned around to look where she'd left it. I told her to go and get it and off she went, crawling purposefully towards it. I am totally amazed by how much she can do and understand now, literally every day is new. Although they say you learn something new everyday, it is strange to think how profound these new skills that you can see her learning are to the rest of her life.



In a week's time we'll be holding a small gathering for Tilly's birthday. I thought I'd practice the recipe for the cakes. I plan to make little fairy cakes, small ones and very small toddler ones. Of course the best way to test them is to test them on Tilly. I didn't expect her to fit the whole thing in her mouth but she did. (Apologies for the noise in the background, Richard was shredding).

'no hands' Larry

Tilly has several times today stood unaided, as I type she's carefully let go of the computer table to try out the new trick.  Only for a few seconds each time but she's doing it nonetheless. 

She's also just found the phone, put it to her ear and said "Da Da".  Wonderful moments are happening all the time now. 

"I don't know why you're the one crying"

 . . . no one ever likes having them done.  Alongside the media spotlight on Jade Goody's battle against cervical cancer came my reminder letter for my smear test from the doctors.  

The appointment was supposed to be last Friday evening but the nurse cancelled at the last minute, how inconsiderate - I'd waxed and everything!  I rearranged for today, not a great time, 11.30am - when I've got Tilly with me.  I tried to get Tilly to sleep early in the morning so she'd be happy to play by herself during the appointment.  I took a toy and a box a raisins, usually a surefire way of keeping her occupied.  The timing didn't work out, she was still tired and clingy when we got there, I set up her playing on the floor with the toys and her raisins but as soon as I walked a metre away to the bed she started to scream.  

Smears are always undignified, I mean how on earth can you have any dignity with your legs spread apart whilst someone shoves a stick up your bits 'to have a scrape around' for samples.  I'd cleverly worn a skirt, last time I hadn't thought it through and worn jeans and a top and there is that really awkward and embarrassing bit where you have to walk around with all your bottom half on display.  In the end, Tilly's screaming was so distracting that the nurse brought her over to see me and I had the examination with her sitting on my stomach, still howling her head off.  "I don't know why you're the one crying" I told her as the nurse was busy at the other end of the bed.  Believe it or not, it was actually weirdly better than all the other smear tests I've ever had!  The distraction of having her on my tummy and trying to calm her down meant I didn't have time to feel as embarrassed or uncomfortable.  

Examination over and I was able to get dressed.  The nurse and I laughed about little ones and she told me how it gets more difficult as they get older, mainly as they are so inquisitive that they often want to be down at the 'action end'*.  Phew, at least I got away with her just sitting on my tummy.  

*Mental note for the future: I must remember that next time I really need to do them when she can be looked after by someone else.

Going to the zoo, zoo, zoo

Today we went to Twycross Zoo for Richard's birthday.   I knew she was on the young side to enjoy it thoroughly but it is always lovely being out.  She didn't like the monkeys as much as I thought she would.  There was a moment when we were inside looking at a monkey that she did seem fascinated by, however all of a sudden another money flew through the door, jumped on a swing which banged loudly on the window and jumped off.   Tilly immediately started screaming, it made her jump (as did we all), after that she didn't seem to trust any of them. 

I spent the time walking around with Tilly on my shoulders and holding her hand, partly to wear her out and to stop her from being frustrated. She is always on the go now and so to keep her confined in the pram just gets her really cranky at the end of the day. 

10 years ago today

gosh, I met Richard 10 years ago today, which means I've spent a third of my life with him . .

Who'd have thought it that 10 years ago when we went to see a band called 'The Dizzy Club' in Sheffield that we'd be here in Coventry 10 years later, married and with a near one year old. 

Jeremy Paxman - a children's favourite?

This evening, after Tilly was ready for bed she was sitting on my knee watching The One Show, she roared with laughter every time Jeremy Paxman appeared on the TV.  I thought it was just a one off but every time he came on she started.  Weird. 

Starbucks family

We used to go to Birmingham all the time but since we had Tilly we've not been.  I think it is the time spent to get there in the car.  We mooched about, down the canals, to IKON gallery and a few other places as well as the traditional shopping trip around Bullring, especially Selfridges. 

Having a break for a coffee we went to Starbucks in Borders, always nice as it tends to be child friendly, near the children's books and keeps Richard happy as he can always have a browse.  

I took a seat while Richard bought the drinks.  No sooner than I sat down and a small child (7 ish) turned to me and said 'hello' and that he 'liked making friends'.  My polite smiles opened the floodgates as he then showed me his pictures in his sketch book.  This all sounds very odd but it was a beautiful thing.  The two brothers were sitting on the sofa in Starbucks, their parents heavily engaged in conversation with friends on the sofa next to them. The boys both had sketch books filled with stories they'd written with accompanying pictures, the table in front of them was full of stickers, pencils, pens and more.  

Early on in this encounter I was sorting Tilly out with her milk and the small boy asked if I liked being pregnant, a weird question but the then clarified by telling me his mum was pregnant again and it was the size of a small tomato.  The constant barrage of questions, explanations and stories continued and I learnt of their parent's desire to have a girl, that they both liked Batman (but had improved his powers in their stories and even designed new logos for every year since 1980), heard about every other 'friend' that they'd made in Starbucks, in fact there wasn't much they didn't tell me!  Their parents seemed very relaxed by this conversation and sat heavily engaged in their own conversations.  Richard approached quizzically as these boys were by now standing up next to me showing me their sketches, many of which were Batman logos, Starbucks logos and a picture story that hadn't been finished as he couldn't decide what should happen. 

Richard always complains about his lack of understanding of what small children are saying and his ability to talk to them.  But that wasn't the case with them, I think it shows how much he has learnt and eased up with children since having Matilda.  He discussed and asked questions about their books and stories and the boys seem genuinely excited that he was interested and they excitedly nudged each other and talked louder to try to get his attention.  After about 25 minutes of this 'entertainment' we decided it was time to go.  Their father had finished talking to their other friends and apologised for them, there was no need to, they really had made it a quirky addition to our trip.  He told us to 'pop in anytime and say hi' which made both of us question if they were there every week, it certainly would explain the Starbucks logos in the sketch book dated 2006 and the boys revelations for customers that had been there.  I must remember that as a cheap parenting tool, let your children be entertained and learn socialisation lessons for free by spending Saturday afternoons in your local Starbucks!

Let it snow

The snow has pretty much brought the UK to a standstill over the last week or so.  Schools have been closed, buses and trains have stopped running and the whole country is snow obsessed. The majority of it hit Thursday and Friday this week.  

Tilly doesn't seem to be interested in it either way.  She is just a little bit too young to enjoy it.   

I thought I'd take her out in the crisp, undamaged back garden.  I spent about 10 minutes putting layers on her, jumpers, coats, hat, gloves, shoes etc and I took her outside and we spent about 2 minutes in it before coming back in again.   The snow was deep and her feet sunk down until the snow was up to her shins. Her shoes aren't really suitable for that kind of weather and she looked uneasy.  I gave her a little bit of snow in her hand, I took her glove off so she could feel it.  She hated it and so we came back in to the comfort of observing it from the warm inside. 

After two days of being stuck in the house as soon as Richard came home we went to the park for a walk.   It was a lovely evening, we went down to Allesley Park where there were loads of children sledging.  We watched them for a while and then walked to the playground where Tilly played on the swings.   As we walked to the playground the sun was setting and it was so beautiful as the snow reflected the fading light.   

The importance of child'care'

I was deeply upset last week when for the second week running, during the 'Box of Delights' course Matilda was having a shitty time in their free creche provision.  

The first week I forgave them for their misdemeanors and put it down to settling in. 

The second week was a complete disaster. 

So, week three: I have been tying myself up in knots about this creche provision. But I thought it only fair to give it one last shot.   

Once again as I arrived Matilda tensed up and started to scream as we walked down the corridor to the baby room.  The two care workers in their looked at each other, seemed to roll their eyes and carry on with business.  I already wanted to turn around and leave.  

I asked the main creche worker where she wanted me to put the pram, she didn't look me in the eye but humpfed and said begrudgingly that she'd have to move stuff out of the way.  It was them who asked me to bring the damn pram in in the first place, I'd rather not get it out of the car either.   

As I tried to calm Tilly down and take her coat off the manager walked in and I almost felt like I was being told off.   

"We need you to stay with her this morning to help her settle in" she said.  

I would love to, I would have loved to two weeks ago when the course first started but I was urged to leave.  I got Tilly out of her pram.  

The key worker who only a few minutes before was grumping had been whisked into a side room with the other care worker and the manager.  By this time I was sitting on the floor with Matilda still crying trying to distract her with some toys on the floor, whilst all the other children in the nursery were coming over to 'meet' us.  I got her to calm down a little but when I moved she gripped me so tightly and started to cry again.   

The realisation that I seemed to be the one in trouble seemed to have regressed me to a child myself once more.  I felt like a naughty child who had been told off by the teacher and was waiting to be taken to the head.  I started to well up, I was screaming silently in my head what are you doing?  I am a grown woman with a baby in her arms crying at a nursery.  A mixture of shock, anger, sadness for Matilda (how could I do this to her?).  I was going to call several times in the week to say I was dropping out but I hadn't. And now look.  I shouldn't have come back.   My instincts were right.   As all the different emotions rushed around my body the tears were more than welling, they had started to roll down my face.  With that, I took Tilly out of the baby room leaving the pram, coats and bags and went out into the corridor.  I just wanted to run away.  

I stood in the corridor making Tilly laugh by blowing a Chinese lantern, still with tears now streaming down my face.  I wished I could teleport or had access to a tardis to disappear.  I could not bare to go back into the room.  Eventually I walked down to the training room to let Irene the course leader know that I was leaving, for today  . . and the rest of the course. 

As I turned the corner, the manager of the children's centre was there. She was looking for me.  I was taken into her room.  In my head before I arrived there today I was going to give the three strikes and your out option to the key workers.  I had planned in my head to vocalise once more what I expect from their childcare. Only 15 minutes later I was sitting in the manager's office with my face all red, tears rolling down my face not being able to voice that articulate speech I'd prepared. I felt like the person who was going to do the dumping and who got pipped to the post. 

The manager tried to explain the situation, the creche is on top of their normal provision blah, blah, blah.   I told her about my experiences over the last two weeks and that this was going to be the last chance saloon.  When I gave examples of the dummy incident and the being strapped tightly into the pram, she said that it was on the forms but maybe that had not been communicated to staff.  Don't try and pull the wool over my eyes -each time on arrival AND on departure I explained my requests as a parent for my child is that the dummy was only to be used for sleep and that she was crawling around a lot at the moment.  

I had raised the issues with them on departure but often I've been too upset by the sight that I have been greeted with to go full whack.  I was not going to have their lack of care blamed on my lack of communication. I have left them with clear guidance every time and if they don't listen I certainly was not going to have that thrown back at me.   At this point she backed down and then admitted she had no authority over the creche workers as they were brought in externally.  

 

I had got to that point where I needed to let it all out and have a good howl.  I haven't been like that for a while and what a time for it to bloody happen?  I wanted to be clear headed, reasoned and give a clear (non-teary) response and argument.  Instead I had a (thankfully) babbling Matilda giving her chirpy two pennies worth into a teary, half hearted debate into the quality of their childcare provision.   

Lots of solutions were put forward including Matilda having free settling in sessions during the week but I'd had enough I wanted to leave now.   I was certainly never taking her back to them.  

I don't want to be one of those mothers who thinks their child never does anything wrong.  I know that Matilda will be naughty, she'll say the wrong thing, do the wrong things sometimes and when she does I will be there to enforce discipline and structure.  I don't want the nursery to think that I am pandering to her needs on this one.  At her own nursery she'll practically run through the doors, smile as she approaches because they do provide child'care'.   One thing I noticed was that the key worker today didn't say hello to Matilda when she came in, such a basic need for any child, to feel welcome.   In fact, not just her, they didn't acknowledge me either.  

While the manager went to collect my things from the baby room.  Irene (course leader) was brought in.   I had to explain it all to her again.   I'd love to do the rest of the course but I'm not doing it like this.  As we were having the conversation the chavviest, noseiest chav from thr course kept walking past the door looking like her eyes would pop out and her ears had grown, so desperate to know what what going on.   Another reason for not continuing. I'm not a snob but I don't like chavs.  In fact scrub that I probably am a snob after that last admission. 

Box of delights? . . .no, a creche of disaster

The second week, I felt Matilda tense up and then scream as we entered the doors of the baby area.  I had brought her pram in (as requested) so she could sleep in comfortable surroundings and then  I repeated the instructions of no dummy when awake.  I left her howling hoping that it would soon stop and she'd be happily playing as soon as I was out of sight.   The whole lesson I wondered if she was OK but daren't check (if she saw me she probably only start screaming again), besides they said they'd get me if anything was wrong.   

The class was good, if a little basic. We have now been joined by a total chav group, who spent the whole session discussing the local housing association and regaling stories of so-and-so getting stabbed etc.   Nice.  

There are three of us who seem to not be part of that group.   The lesson was therapeutic and I enjoyed having a bit of time to just feel like I was playing again.  

I went to go and pick her up and I felt a combination of such sadness and fury as she was sitting strapped so tightly into her pram, red eyes and tear stains down her face with her dummy in.   I was absolutely livid.  She started crying when she saw me again.   I asked them why she was in her pram, she can crawl and explore now, she is never not moving and I think it is criminal to have a 10 month old strapped and effectively gagged indoors in a stationery pram.  They said she didn't seem to like it on the floor.  Bollocks, any good childcare worker should know that if you distract an unhappy child with a toy they will soon be entertained, it just takes some effort.  

I soon had one of the ladies hollering across the room 

"Matilda's Mum, Matilda's Mum"  

she then said "don't you leave her with strangers? It may be a good idea if you left her more often, or perhaps consider putting her into a nursery"   

"What?  Like your fucking one? This shit one here?" I wanted to reply.  

Instead I told them that she did go to nursery, 3 days a week for the last 4 months and she is very happy there, practically runs in.  Maybe she is just a good judge of character. 

I spent the day worrying over what it has done to Matilda, making it up to her.  That is not right is it?  I shouldn't have to do that.  Richard and Mum both think I should give up, but surely Matilda also needs to know that sometimes she may have to go to other places and that I always come back.   Maybe I'm just kidding myself.  Maybe I'm being selfish. 

A reading chair

Matilda often looks uncomfortable when she is sitting on the hard floor so we got her a comfy chair today.   It is a bean bag armchair.  Didn't go to get one on purpose but I sat her in it in the shop and she beamed and then I found myself at the counter buying it.  

When we got home, we sat her in it and she 'chillaxed'.   

Later she sat reading her books in the chair.  It is so funny watching her in the chair, she looks comfy and seems to like it.   Although she does sink into it slowly too and struggles to get herself out. 

Matilda on the move

Matilda really is on the move now.   Pulling herself up on everthing and crawling around. I took some video of this today. 

Matilda does the washing

Matilda crawling

Wagawaiter

Wagamamas seem to have taken the mama bit in their name literally.  I was not allowed a cup of boiled water to heat Matilda's food in, instead the waiter took her food from me as only they were allowed to heat a baby's food in their special contraption.  10 minutes later he returned, as he gave it to me, he stood over my shoulder and then stopped me as I opened the lid - telling me that I must stir it properly.  Yes - thank you very much.  I have been her mother now for 10 months and I am perfectly capable of heating up food and making sure she doesn't burn herself.  Patronising git.  

Valuable lessons learnt

Tilly's neediness continued today. Her desperation to be close to me has hit an all time high, it would be nice if it wasn't every minute of the day.  Within the first half an hour she'd managed to pull herself up onto various pieces of furniture and fall down bumping her head every time.  One bump was particularly bad on the hardwood floor.  After the third bump I put up the travel cot, to contain her and keep her safe.  She wasn't at all happy.  

The afternoon was spent trying to deal with her new mobile ways.  She is desperate to get to the television, each time I say 'no' firmly she looks at me and when I say it again she bursts into tears and comes crawling for a cuddle.   So for the final part of the afternoon I put her in 'prison' as Richard calls it, or a travel cot as it is more commonly known.  She certainly doesn't like it but at least it gives me peace of mind if I'm in the kitchen that she is not going to break a bone, crack her head open, eat something she shouldn't or get her fingers trapped in something.

Matilda is often better when we are out, so I went to the breastfeeding cafe. I haven't been to the Friday one in ages, when I arrived, I quickly remembered why.  Matilda played happily on the play mats and watched the other children arrive.  As always biscuits are provided, I gave Matilda one and she sat contently on the floor eating it and offering me a bit from time to time.  This was a new thing she learnt over Christmas, to give us something and then take it back. She took to her feet and stood up at the table, another little boy (only a month older than her) came over to see her, he was also desperately looking for more biscuits.  It was at this point that she learnt a tough lesson in life . . sometimes other people don't share.  She gave him her biscuit, which he promptly took and started to eat.  She looked on in horror and then burst into tears, he tried to feed it back to her but this made her howl even more.   She came for a cuddle and eventually calmed down.  

This afternoon I took her off to BabyStart, a sensory room run by SureStart.   I haven't been to BabyStart since she was 8 weeks old. It was such a horrible experience as she was screaming that I never dared go back.  Back then all the babies were much older so I thought I'd wait until she could enjoy it more.  Today the tables had turned there were lots of little babies and Matilda was the big one that could move.   It was nice to be out and she seemed to enjoy herself.   She certainly seemed fascinated by the babies and kept wanting to poke them in the face . . .yet more lessons followed . . . .

Ah ha, she's done it

Ah ha, she's done it. Aged nearly 10 months she's properly slept through the night from 7pm - 6.52am. Oh my goodness has that been a long time coming.  I did wake up at 4am as usual but I didn't get up like I have in the past.   Hooray, here's hoping she can repeat it again and again, I have a horrible feeling it may have been a one off. 

The other thing she has also done is started to get really needy.  Today she has been a total pain in the bum.  I can't walk more than a metre away from her without her crying.  Even when she is crawling on the rug and I'm still close, not going anywhere she has cried and crawled towards me.  When I pick her up she doesn't want holding or cuddling.  I'm not sure what she wants at all.  It is very frustrating. 

Dee Dee back to 2D

Mum went home today. No matter how much I try I still do get upset when I say goodbye to her. It is always hard as she always has a tough exterior, "a lump behind the eyes" is as emotional as she gets. Probably something to do with the time when she was brought up - they were tough cookies back then. Stiff upper lip and all that. I did that squeaky/croaky voice thing as I tried to hide it . . she can't cope with crying so I squawbled some trivial chit chat gave her a big hug and she was off. As soon as she'd turned the corner I stood at the airport holding Tilly so tightly, tears once again streaming down my face. I can't help it, even when I'm writing this the tears are dripping on my keyboard. I think it was even harder this time, we've all had such a lovely time together and it is not just me that will miss her but Tilly too. I wish she lived closer. Skype is a wonderful thing but it never quite makes up for the real thing. Seeing someone pixelating and freezing every so often in a box will never quite match up to having them there and sitting on their knee (Matilda, not me I hasten to add!). So Dee Dee is back to 2D. Although I hear that Skype have just announced a new 3D camera kit, a camera that when viewed by friends with 3d specs can see you and your abode in the wonder of third dimension reality. When they invent teleporting I'll be happy.

So I'm back on my todd. I can't remember all the funny stories and rhymes that mum can but I'll have to try.

After we got home and Tilly had been for her sleep, she bent round the corner of the living room as we came through the door, craning her neck looking for mum. She looked into the dining room, then at me and then towards the kitchen. "She's gone home" I told her. Even though she didn't understand the words she looked sad. Tough luck kid, you're just left with me again.

Just say the word . . .

Richard always mocks me that I don't have a hobby. I hardly think that it is something to be ashamed of!  I do have a hobby - having hobbies. Every time I say I'm interested in something new; family trees, cooking, baking, making cards, making jewellery or whatever Richard gets so excited for me and gets me the book, the kit etc to make it happen. All of which is very sweet but sometimes I may still be making up my mind. So, when I happened to mention that I'd like to learn to crochet, no sooner had the words left my lips than a book appeared on my lap 'Knitting and Crocheting'. I could see a gleam of excitement in Mum's eye and five minutes later she'd got me a 'Crochet a Hat kit' for 8 year olds. Before Matilda had even gone to bed mum had got the wool and the hook out and was looping and giving me the most complicated instructions.
No sooner was Tilly down I sat down and learnt with mother! "Loop, hook, catch and pull . . .twist it a little, no . . pull the wool this way, give it slack . .. .pull it tight." You see, this is why all my hobbies come to an abrupt end, I am impatient and if I can't crack it I give up. After a quick tutorial mum left me to it, when she returned I was packing up the Christmas decorations having had quite enough of looping, hooking and twisting with no results. I gave it another go and although it was untidy I started to get the hang of it. I did a bit more in bed, much to Richard's annoyance as the crochet hook squeaks each time it goes through the wool. I'm only doing a scarf at the moment, the instructions for anything more fancy look far too complicated at this stage . . So who knows? Maybe everyone should expect crocheted garments for Christmas next year.. . or perhaps (and far more likely) this will be another phase.

Oxford

Day out in Oxford today, bloody freezing temperatures, -3 all the way down and it must've been colder than that with the wind.  

We arranged to meet up with Uncle John, I wish I'd taken my microphone. It was lovely sitting in Starbucks listening to him and mum tell stories.  John kept putting on a thick Yorkshire accent and doing impressions of 'Norm' - a guy who never had a puncture, always a pumpture . . .'cause you pump it up'.   Brilliant.  It reminded me slightly of the scene in Mary Poppins where they are all laughing and they float up to the ceiling, the jokes were kind of similar. 

It was sad to see John with Tilly, he is like mum, can make kids laugh and entertain them.  I remember many times being excited that John was coming, lots of thumb disappearing gags and knee bouncing.   He has two granddaughters but doesn't see them anymore, and hasn't for years. Such a shame, they grow up so quickly and I think it is a crime if people are stopped from seeing their grandparents.  If adults have a gripe that is one thing but don't neglect your children's rights to know their relatives.  I'm not sure what happened but there comes a time to bite the bullet and sort it out, if not for your children for your own conscience.   I did that with Pat.  When I made contact with him, it was purely for selfish reasons.  It wasn't that I was desperate to see him or have a father figure in my life but something that Simon had said to me about his own father.  He didn't get the chance to say certain things and was sad about that.  One of the main reasons for me contacting Pat was to make peace, to know that I'd done all I could to set the record straight and sound anything happen I would not feel guilty or wonder 'what if'?'.   We have a contact relationship but it is very sparce, a parcel here and there a birthday card and that is about it.  At some point soon I will take Matilda to see him, if not just for her to have a photo of her and her grandfather - what right have I to stop her from having that chance, that photo? 

Pat-a cake, pat-a-cake

At teatime today Tilly clapped her hands all by herself.   Then repeated it again and again.  Wow! It is amazing that sometimes the most simple things make me so proud. 

Long lost rellies

I took mum to see someone who she has traced in our family tree.  They are a bit distant, our great, great, great grandfathers were either the same or brothers.  I'm not sure.  We went to Draycote Water Park, somewhere equi-distant as he is in Northampton.  He is in his late 30s and has just had a baby boy (3months old), we met up with him, his wife and his new baby.  It was lovely to meet him.  Strange though as we are in fact strangers but we met for coffee and a walk.  Richard didn't come, opting to got to the tip instead.  Was a shame really he was a nice guy and I think they'd have got on.  Mum was excited and seemed very happy to have met him which was lovely.   She is very excited about visiting Castle Howard, Sarah has offered to take her.  The great great great grandfather was head groundsman there and they seem to have more information on site.  

These shoes are made for walking

These shoes certainly are made for walking.  Having spent a few days sticking Matilda in the same pair of socks (the only ones that stay on and have grippers on the undersides) I finally went to buy her some shoes.  It is hard to walk on laminate flooring with slippy tights on, especially when you are still a bit wonky! Mothercare has a sale on and we picked up 3 pairs for £16.  A snip when one pair is normally £12. I've even thought ahead and bought one pair in the next size up.   

It is so weird seeing her in shoes.  She looks like a little girl now, standing up in proper shoes.  Where has my baby gone?  

The shoes are all so cute, so tiny and yet sturdy.  Never mind pitter patter of tiny feet, she seems to be stomping around already.  

Richard went back to work today and I sent him an email from Matilda which cheered him up.  It was weird him not being around. For the first time in ages I thought about work and realised I'd not missed it.  I'm enjoying being off and spending so much time with Tilly, Rich and mum.   I don't want it to stop really.   The other night I had a tear in my eye as I went to sleep, as it dawned on me that I was in the house with all the things that were most precious to me.  It is a lovely feeling to have them all so close and spend quality time together. 

Tubes

A colleague at Richard's work has given us lots of Duplo for Matilda to play with.  We got it out to have a look at and Matilda was examining all the new pieces.  She quickly found some balls that you can send down large tubes built into the constructions.  We gave her a section of the tube to play with and she quickly worked out that if she put it in the top it came out of the bottom.  I was impressed and so was mum, usually it takes them a little longer to work out things like that.  Well done Tilly.   She repeated it again and then Richard made a big block building with the tube in for her to play with.   He seemed a little sad when she trashed it . . he looked crestfallen .  bless.  

"Come on Daddy - let's shop!"

We had a failed attempt to have a girly (me, Mum and Jane) trip off to the cinema today.  The film we drove half way across the city to see wasn't on in the end, and with no other films floating our boat we returned home to play on the wii.   

The boys (Rich and his dad) meanwhile had taken Tilly to IKEA, where she upheld the girls side by planning to spend on daddy's card! 

"Come on Daddy - let's shop!"

Night crawling

Before Christmas Tilly was into quite a good sleeping pattern (for her anyway) only waking once in the night. Usually just after 4am and it normally required a quick reassurance and then back off to sleep.  My body had been tricked into this pattern and I was getting used to it.  By about the 22 December this all changed again to a few small stirrings and usually one almighty one that involved screaming and crying sometimes for about 15 minutes.  I'm not sure what caused this change but my body wasn't used to it anymore.  As mum is staying I'm less likely to let her cry, instead I'm sitting by the cot shusshing her behind a blanket so she can't see me, then crawling like the SAS (she can't see me) out of the room back into ours.  Shoomi has often been sitting in the landing during these crawling sessions and although she is a cat I swear she still has the ability to lift her brow!  I know it is daft but I'll do anything for a better nights sleep even crawling very slowly on my hands and knees minding all the creaking bits in the floor (of which I know well).   

Anyway, over the last few nights it has changed again.  This time even worse.  It seems that as she has learnt to crawl during the day she is also now using her new ability in her sleep.   Each night I place her with her feet to the foot of the bed on her back to sleep, after a few hours she is on her hands and knees, her head scrunched up in the bars at the top of the cot.  I have to go in flip her over, pull her down and then try to settle her back to sleep.  This is where the problem lies, usually if I don't wake her much she'll go back to sleep quickly.  But now she is waking fully as she is distressed at being at the top of the cot and on her front and to get her back to normal I have to move her a bit which of course wakes her up more.  Last night I was up every hour and a half, flipping her over and pulling her back down.  I think there is probably something in the child rights about not being strapped down to sleep but I wish they'd reconsider.