First holiday - Brighton

Our first holiday together has been lovely. We went to Brighton for a few days, this was our first proper break together, some family time. If I'm honest I hadn't really thought about it much, Richard was getting excited as he wasn't going to work for 10 days but I hadn't thought of it as a break for me, I thought that it would be same thing just in a different place. I've spent days desperately trying to get Tilly into a routine and to take a bottle but it is not quite working and as this would be a holiday it was supposed to be relaxing. So I threw strict routines out of the window, it was getting me stressed anyway and I didn't fancy sitting in a hotel room from 5pm just to accommodate the bedtime routine.

We picked an amazing time as the weather was lovely, really hot. It was also Brighton Pride week so it was full of colour and with it colourful people too. I've never been to Brighton before, it is lovely. A seaside town that manages to contain the tacky seaside paraphernalia in one place, the rest of Brighton is uber trendy and creative.

Look at all the pretty lights

We've walked and walked and walked. For the first time, I sat the pram chair upright and Tilly was able to sit up and see the world. We walked up and down the pier a few times, Tilly should have been asleep but I couldn't resist getting her out as she still looked so wide awake. We stood for at least 30 minutes as she watched the jet skiers do tricks in the water below us, her eyes so wide taking everything in, even following one of them under the pier and back again. Walking up towards the fairground rides, her eyes once again were as big as saucers as she took in all the new sights, lights and strange sounds. It was a wonderful experience for me, I loved watching her face as she saw each new thing. She was totally amazed and I just wanted her to be able to talk to tell me what she was thinking. I suppose like me, she must be bored at home of the same four walls and this was certainly something different!

The birth of Jean
Tilly needed her hat on to protect her little baldy head from the sun. In honour of her looking like a dinner lady we have named her hat Jean. It became quite amusing as we have now got into a habit of asking where's Jean?

Strapoon or Spooaaw?
We tried an amazing milkshake at a milkshake bar. The shop advertised that they had literally thousands of flavours of milkshakes, they weren't lying. Behind the counter was little trays, like that you'd find in a DIY shop but these were full of sweets, nuts, chocolate, marshmallows and more. Every sweet you could imagine was in the shop and on the menu, Cream Eggs, Mars Bars, Dairy Milks, Double Deckers through to Parma Violets and Wham bars - just how to you make a milkshake with them?? We plumped for Cream Egg. It was just delicious. So simple, they put a cream egg in a blender and then poured in the milk and continued to blend - and charged us a fortune for the privilege! What a money spinner. We drank it with a straw and small lumps of chocolate and the yolky middle occasionally got slurped up with the milk. As we got to the bottom, there were larger chunks of left over chocolate. The strapoon/spooaaw or whatever it is called is genius - a straw with a spoon design on the end so you could spoon the leftovers and make sure you'd devoured every single bit. Wonderful, we left with the purse lighter but wanting more.

Baby bunting
Tilly's fascination with Brighton continued as we stopped off for another coffee and her feed. Instead of feeding properly she stared at the bunting above our heads, I could see her eyes following the string from one end to another and back again. Each time she started to feed again, the wind blew the bunting flapped and she came off, desperate to see properly what was happening. Again, I became fascinated by her face and wanting to know what was going through her mind as she stared, concentrating on them for a good 15 minutes.

We met Dulcie for dinner and Tilly fell asleep. She was perfectly behaved, maybe it was all the sea air. As it got later we walked back to Dulcie's flat and sat and had a few glasses of wine. Tilly should have slept there but was fascinated by yet another new environment.
By the time we got back to the hotel it was late. It was optimistic thinking we could just go to bed and certainly was very optimistic bringing her crib. The moment I put her in it she screamed, we both tried to calm her but the screams were louder and louder. Eventually we put her in bed with us - she'd won. We both spent the night on each side of the bed and she had the whole of the middle to herself. If I'd have been at home I'd have persevered but I wasn't sure how thin the walls were and didn't want to wake up or annoy the other guests.

What a flirt!
In the morning Tilly and I waited outside the hotel as Richard went to fill up the meter for the car. A man was walking towards us and as he got nearer Tilly smiled and her smile just grew bigger and bigger until she had the biggest gummy grin, lurching towards him then she broke into a short squeal of excitement. What a flirt??! I looked at him and smiled, his smile by this point was almost as big as hers (but with more teeth!). Richard returned having past him further up the street, unaware of what had happened and commented that he was very happy. I filled him on on what Tilly had done.
This flirting of Tilly's continued, every shop we went in regardless of what kind of a mood she was in with us, she completely changed at the sight of any shop owner, assistant, waitress, passer-by. She greeted them with her now trademark gummy grin, flutter of the eyelashes (which always provoked the response, what big eyes!) and then coyly buried her head into my collar bone and then quickly glanced back flutter the lashes once more accompanied by another huge smile. She won a lot of fans in Brighton!

Daddy's girl
As Richard has been at work, he has not been able to spend as much time with Tilly. When he does come home, she is already into the bedtime routine and then she is asleep. These last few days have been lovely for him to spend with her and me. It is a great time to have some time now as she is more interactive and is getting more interesting by the day.
Recently he has choreographed a little song and dance 'Daddy dancing' that will always, without fail, even through tears make her smile. He has always loved her to pieces but this week he has become totally besotted with her. Totally loved up. It has been really nice to spend time together, all three of us, our very own little family.

Richard has spent this bonding time teaching her important lessons, lessons about art. Lessons about arsey artists like Hamish Black. We took her to see the infamous donut of Blacks and we taught her about respecting an artist's work and the importance of crediting their work. So we stuck our tongues out whilst poking our heads through Black's big hole while Richard took a picture. She did make her Daddy proud!

We ended the trip by going on a tiny electric train. We enjoyed it - Tilly slept through the journey!

I've really enjoyed the holiday, it was a holiday for me too. It's been great being with Richard again, we've had time to spend together where we can just be us again, away from the washing, cooking and mundane day to day life. I don't want him to go back to work, I want him to have another week off, another week of family time of just us three.

Routine, Schmootines.

Tilly is being a mare at the mo, but it is because I'm trying to force her into a new routine. Getting her to go to sleep by herself (no rocking etc from us which we are getting there slowly with), getting her to take a bottle (a nightmare indeed), starting baby rice (which she spat all over me rasberry style today) and follow this ridiculously strict sleep, feeding routine. Oh and I'm also trying to get her used to her own room to sleep in during her daytime sleeps to move her into within the next few weeks. I don't know about her but it is def taking in's toll on me.

I'm desperate to get back to work. I just want to be a little bit more like me again and I'm really craving adult company. Thankfully Richard is on holiday from today for 10 days so I'm looking forward to some help.

Big cot

Tilly is making progress with the sleeping and the dummy. And this afternoon, I speculatively put her down for her sleep in her big cot. I didn't expect her to sleep there at all. She looked so excited and fidgeted a bit but I put her dummy in and sat beside her and she just dosed off. I'm on such a high. It is only a small step and she is not quite ready for sleeping in there at night but to me it is a huge leap from where we've been.

Who you calling a dummy?

I never thought it would work. Actually, originally I never wanted it to work. The use of a dummy in my eyes has always been obscene. I've hated it so much. Babies being pushed in prams by chavvy mums with a dummy shoved in their mouths to keep them quiet. I've never liked them.

But since having my own baby I've changed my mind slightly and I found myself a few months ago in Boots eyeing up the dummies, in my defence, having read that they can reduce incidents of cot deaths. We reluctantly bought some, tried them, they worked for about a day and since then they've been sitting in the cupboard.

I am now shattered with night time feeds, trying to keep Tilly asleep at night. Rita has suggested I give Tilly a bottle of hungrier babies formula milk to keep her fuller for longer, that and perhaps some baby rice. I've (against my better judgement) decided to go back to Gina Ford's routine to see if that will work too. I'm not going in totally gun-ho like I have in the past and will try a slightly softer version of the strict (no kids) Gina F's. I took her upstairs for her morning sleep. I've noticed that at night if I am very tired and bring Tilly back into bed with me, if I pretend to be asleep she falls asleep so I put her in the middle of our big bed and lay down beside her. I lay there very still with my eyes almost closed to trick her into sleep, she was fidgeting a lot. Then I suddenly remembered that Heather had said that Max sleeps with a dummy as he is soothed by the sucking. When I thought about it, Tilly likes is to suck herself to sleep, so I suppose it makes sense. So I rushed downstairs and washed one in hot water, went back upstairs and lay beside her again and put it in her mouth. She fell asleep almost instantly.

I was stunned and thought it may be a one off but she has done it again for her afternoon and late afternoon sleep. Hooray I think we've got something right.

Nappy roulette

Thankfully the postman has just arrived with my Boots delivery of nappies - I've been playing nappy roulette. I'm down to my last few, desperate to make them last before the new lot arrived. Phew - we made it!

I'm struggling a little to get Tilly back on the bottle as I've only a few weeks before I go back to work. Sadly she has got my stubborness so we are both pushing each other to the limit. She's taken a little today and I've also given her some baby rice which she prefers. But my health visitor says it is more important to get her taking a bottle so I can leave her confidently. If only Tilly knew how important it was.

On the upside she has just started to properly giggle - for 7 minutes earlier today.

Guess what this one is about?

yep - you guessed correctly - POO.

Tilly appeared to have a bit of tummy ache so I took her into her room and popped her on the changing table to massage her tummy a little. I did this with the nappy on and she was trumping away, she did a poo and seemed far happier. Then a few minutes later she still seemed like there was more to come, so instead of putting a nappy back on, I gave her a bit of bare time and popped a flannel under her to catch it when it came out. We'll reading this back now, it does seem a little obvious what was going to happen.

I continued to gently massage her tummy and then she pulled her 'poo face' a glazed expression of concentration. I stood back slightly ready . . a little fart . . . and then poo literally shot across the room so fast and with an almost violent force, onto the wall and across the carpet. It completely missed my carefully laid out flannel. I screamed as the force startled me and I made Tilly cry in turn as I'd shocked her too.

Shockingly, Richard didn't capture this moment on film, so there is no photo to accompany it. Then again, that is probably for the best.

Domestic godess

I'm love with Phil Vickery - I've just made his ice cream and it is scrummy.

It has been a bit of a mission to get this far. I was watching This Morning a few days ago and Phil Vickery was making Lemon Curd ice cream, it looked so easy and delicious I decided I was going to make it. This is a bigger statement than it seems. I am not good in the kitchen. I can burn water. But recently I've been trying to rectify my inability and even did a roast chicken from scratch the other week - a massive achievement for me and a total surprise for Richard. A few days ago I went to Sainsbury's to get the ingredients and after Tilly went down for her sleep I got the ice cream machine out of the freezer. Piecing it together, there was something missing and I was gutted. Where was the ice cream spindle? Without it I'll screawm and screawm and screawm! I searched high and low and in every cupboard and drawer and it was nowhere to be seen. I have a vague recollection that it may have been chucked out after the move. So I had to order a new one from Magimix. To my delight it arrived this morning.

Now the ice cream making can begin. So easy. Bung it all in and shove it in the ice cream machine. I realised why there was a whole in the top, you're supposed to turn it on first and then pour it in. I poured it in and then turned it on, it wouldn't turn as the bits around the edges had already started to solidify. After a quick pouring out, rinse and back in again it was off and it is just pure heaven. Well done Phil Vickery for a masterful receipe. I am now your biggest fan.

I'm starting to feel like a domestic godess.

Frumpy 40 year old

I want to go swimming with Tilly. I don't have a swimming costume that I fit in anymore, the ones I have fit my honeymoon body, a svelte 8 stone body with a tiny tummy and smaller breasts. I tried to squeeze into one the other day and I was bulging out over the edges, particularly of the bust area. I couldn't possibly going swimming publically in that, I might flop out!

We went shopping in Tescos and there was a swimming costume that had a pattern on it and had a sticker saying Tummy Control. That is what I need - Tummy Control. The bust area had an inbuilt bra with supporting cups and it was only £15 - a bargain. I thought the pattern was a bit bright but that may help disguise any creases and bulges. I was excited I could now go swimming with Tilly and when I got home I went upstairs to try it on. Perhaps not something I would have rushed to buy, but it looked OK and it had 'Tummy Control'.

Emerging from the bedroom displaying the new garment I said to Richard "I'm going to go swimming with Tilly. What do you think?"
"Hummm" he said.
"What does humm mean? Don't you like it?"
"You look like a frumpy 40 year old. "
Well, thanks a lot. You sure know how to pep up a girl whose just had a baby. Admittedly, when I looked upset he did say it was mainly down to the pattern. But as any woman will know that has just had a baby, you already feel self conscious enough.

I don't really like it anymore. The pattern is a bit old fashioned but a) I can't afford a nice one and b) it has Tummy Control! I really want to go swimming with Tilly but with that thought lurking in the back of my mind I don't think I'll be brave enough to get out of the changing room.

Dinner lady hat

The weather is getting hotter and hotter and I needed to get a sunshade for Tilly's pram so I decided to venture into the baby shop in Earlsdon. I also wanted a nosey as all the ladies at the breastfeeding cafe were talking about how good it was for baby clothes.

The shop was not as good as I'd been lead to believe, I obviously missed the part where they explained that it was good for Christening/Baptism clothes. Still, there was plenty there to look at.
I saw a basket full of lovely sun hats and started to look for one in Tilly's size. They were out of stock in the prettier hats. The sun has been so hot recently and with Tilly's baldy head she needs a hat. The only ones left in her size were a little odd looking. I put it on her head and said "Ooh that makes you look like a dinner lady". The lady in the shop seemed both a little shocked that I'd said such a thing and hurt that I'd mock her stock. The hat had made me laugh and for that reason and that really it doesn't matter what it looks like as long as it protects her from the sun I bought it.

I think she wears it quite well.

Lick of paint

Does painting count as exercise? I hope so.

I don't think my frustration of being stuck in the house is being helped by the red in the kitchen. It makes me feel angry. I've bought some lovely metallic turquoise paint and I've started to delete the red. As I paint, each brush stroke makes me feel far more relaxed. I don't know if it is just concentrating on something, the soothing smooth strokes or the colour but I already feel much better. The only difficultly is that each time I grab the paintbrush when Tilly is asleep it is as if she can sense it and wakes up, so I'm making slow progress. I'm going to use pink as an accent colour - if Richard isn't too offended by it.

Poop in Boots

As you may have gathered Tilly's poo is a recurring theme. As, I suppose many mothers and babies lives do - they must, surely it is not just us?

Tilly loves her hanging door frame bouncer and will quite happily spend long periods of time squealing and chatting while she dangles. Spinning around to take in everything that is going on all around her.

Richard was lying on the cream rug looking up at Tilly and I was sitting nearby. We both heard Tilly do a poo. Now, Richard has not been present for many of these exciting poo incidents. I walked over and took the hanger by the bar above her head and carefully lifted her off. But the design of these hangers is that the baby is strapped in like a bungee jumper. So I walked over to Richard and asked him to support her while I carefully lifted her out. It was at this point I made a fatal error, Richard chose to support her (knowing full well what she'd just done) under her crotch. This of course send cascades of poo flowing freely out of the sides of her nappy, down her trouser legs and literally pouring all over the cream rug (and Richard's white fleece top). He jumped and screamed in horror at the mere splash of poo on his arm, while I stared at the poo dribbling all over the cream rug in little pools. I was almost dazed for a second as I've struggled to get poo stains from her clothes after a good soak, how on earth was I going to get it out of a woolen cream thick pile rug?? That only lasted for a second as I quickly rushed her over to the hardwood floor (far easier to clean). She continued to hang dripping, watching as her father flapped with a horrified face and her mother stood over her with a fit of the giggles. Richard was almost shouting, "What do we do, What shall I do?" I asked him to get a carrier bag as she was still dribbling in large quantities all over the floor. Richard returned with a Boots carrier bag and we ignored the Health and Safety advice on the bottom and placed Matilda into the bag feet first with her arms threaded through the handles like a top. This would now contain the poo disaster that had been happening all over the floor. I carried her upstairs, ran the bath and pretty much plunged her in and got her undressed in there. I was still laughing. Mainly as Richard had a combined look of terror and horror on his face. I bet he was glad he went to work everyday and didn't have to deal with this kind of thing. I was delighted as it was a) funny and b) good that he'd experienced a poo incident, I was starting to think that Tilly was timing them all for me to deal with.

Little squealer

Tilly has learnt to squeal like a little piggy. This afternoon she has been in her baby bouncer, dangling in the living room just squealing and smiling at the fact she can make such a high pitched noise. It went on, and on and on. I tried to film it, but as I couldn't find the video camera I used the web cam for some reason the sound wasn't on.

She has also done another exploding poo again. I'm starting to worry about going out as they are soo big and end up completely cover her clothes, legs and everything. Both times I've had to plunge her in the bath with nappy on to get all the poo off and her trousers are ruined - can you imagine if I'd've been out? The texture has changed completely and is now like peanut butter paste, she kept rubbing her legs together while I was trying to clean it up and it was going everywhere. I had to carry her in a very undignified way into the bathroom and plunge her into the water with nappy on.

The shame

I must avoid any more bourbon biscuits. I've eaten a whole packet in a day, and not for the first time. I'm not going to buy anymore. I'm just not.

Stains

Why don't all these baby groups, leaflets and books give you useful and practical information about having a baby? Stuff like how to get yellow poo stains out of clothes. I thought I had to almost boil them out, but it has fixed it in. When I told mum she said 'noooo, it is like blood' how I am supposed to know that? Thankfully I've never had to wash poo out of my clothes before! Apparently clothes need to be soaked in icy cold water first and then put in the wash. Again, why isn't this part of these useful early stage guides to motherhood? I'm surprised there isn't a leaflet about it, I've had them about everything else!

Graduation already?

We graduated from baby massage today. We have a laminated certificate for our 6 week course. This notion of graduating is ridiculous but baby massage has been a lovely thing to do with Tilly.

Initially I was dreading it, the time was awkward, 1.30 in the afternoon, it either clashes with sleep or feeding. When the course started I was still deeply embarrassed by Tilly’s behaviour whenever we were out, it is only recently that she has started to get a bit better. She used to be so grizzly, crotchy and scream a lot. Other mums would sit with their beautifully dressed well behaved daughters whilst Tilly and I both looked dishevelled and I tried desperately to get her to shush. For 5 of the 6 lessons she has been great and surprisingly, better than most during the massage. We still have the most trouble getting dressed, particularly her arms.

Tilly is fascinated by other people, during the massage all the other babies have laid quietly on their backs facing their mums. We all sit in a circle, mums facing inwards, babies on mats in front of us. If no one else is talking Tilly will look at me, but if a conversation is happening, she is craning her neck back and wriggling onto her side to see the person talking. She is just so nosey. During the massage we have to turn our babies over to massage their backs, so they lie on their tummies. Every other baby hates this but for Tilly it seems like heaven as finally she can see everyone properly. Whilst her peers all start crying she has her neck up and once again fascinated by the ‘show’.

So I suppose we’ll stick the laminated certificate up in her room. We’ve already signed up for Rhythm Babies in the autumn, another SureStart activity.

Tilly's first concert

When we heard that Richard Hawley was going to be playing a concert at the Garforth Arts Festival we knew we'd love to go. We got tickets and trundled up the motorway for Tilly's first concert.

The party in the playground started in the afternoon but Richard Hawley wasn't due to perform until around 10.00pm. So we stayed at Jane and Peter's doing Tilly's normal routine (and I even got to watch Doctor Who) before we ventured out at 7pm ish. As planned Tilly fell asleep on the way there and slept throughout all the other acts. She woke up in a dark playground with lots of strange noises and lights for her normal late night feed. When I got her out of the pram her face was so funny, completely surprised at where she was and almost miffed at all the interesting things she may have missed out on by being asleep. After checking out all the excitement, she settled down for a feed, all snuggled up in fleeces, blankets and puffa jackets. It was very difficult to breastfeed with all the layers. Tilly went back to sleep as Richard Hawley was finishing.



It was a lovely evening. It was not only great to see Tilly's face but wonderful for me to feel like I was getting a bit of excitement, being out at night and to a concert too!

POOP POOP!

Phew. Tilly has finally done a poo. It has been a difficult week for me, waiting for her to have a poo. It sounds ridiculous. But I've been on poop watch and recently it has almost consumed my life. I've not gone out in case she did one and it leaked so much I couldn't clean it up. Richard has been getting anxious and I've been in tears petrified that that tiny taste of apple has clogged up her insides. Too scared to speak to anyone as the midwives are so self righteous about weaning and breastfeeding. But finally today, after Skyping mum in tears with Tilly on my knee, Tilly trumped and poo'd and I've never been so happy. Mum could obviously hear it at the other end and we both cheered with jubilation at Tilly's poo. Motherhood is quite surreal sometimes.

So I whipped her upstairs to clear up and it was very stinky, stinkier than any other she has ever done and far messier, so messy in fact it has exploded out of her nappy onto her clothes. So sticky I needed to put her in the bath to get it off as wet wipes just weren't cutting it! But I'm happy. I phoned Richard immediately after we'd cleaned up but he wasn't at his desk so I exclaimed "Poop Poop" down the phone and hung up and then sent him the same text message. Hooray for Tilly, who still has no idea quite why I'm so happy or even what she did to make me so.

Nicknames

The name Matilda has been shortened to Tilly and quite a few more unexpected ones, her nicknames now currently stand as:

• M'tiddla
• Tilly Pilly Poo
• Tilly Pilly Poo pants
• Tilly Pie
• Tidgy pud
• Tidgy pudding
• Tiddly Widdly
• Tiddly
• Bumface
  
• Monkey Moo

and apparently Richard sings her a song called 'Tilly with no Willy' when changing her nappy.