Real poo

Today was going to be about Tilly's hair growing and her increasing ability to sit up unaided for longer and longer. But then it happened, another pooing incident.

We've had a lovely day. She was in her bouncer and suddenly her face strained, she went red and then started to cry. I quickly removed her from the bouncer. This last week we have progressed from thicker and thicker baby rice to HiPP organic baby food jars. Rather crudely this was bound to change the consistency. She continued to strain and I took her upstairs to her changing unit. I thought I could try to help with what I'd learnt from baby massage. She was crying quite a bit, I was trying to console her but I knew there was nothing I could do but reassure her. I felt so sorry for her. Every time she tried to push, I could see a combination of discomfort and fear in her eyes. I felt totally helpless. I stood over her, holding her hand with my left hand and supporting her legs with my right. She was pushing and crying, she looked petrified. I kept telling her it was OK but I just wanted it to stop. All I could think of was how confusing it must be for her, her poos have always been dramas for me but never for her. They've always been fluid and painless. This, I could tell was going to be different. Then it came with a scream from her - a small, perfectly round hardish little log, followed quickly by another. As it came out, her scream turned from pain to relief, she was still crying almost in horror for what had just happened to her. I was shocked, they've never been like that before. They were like little cat poos. I thought she'd finished. But then her cries were louder again and I could hear Richard's car pull up outside. All I could think of was that it reminded me of my labour. There I was holding her hand . . reassuring her that she needed to push, that it would be OK. And in turn there she was screaming, looking scared at this strange and horrific thing that was happening to her body. Richard came upstairs and there I was in the final stages helping her dispel it all, which was now coming out like toothpaste. What a welcome home! After it was over, I put a nappy back on, picked her up and held her. She calmed down and her tears dried.

I could tell that Richard contemplated, just for a second (as did I) taking a photo of the results of this new phenomenon. But as the thought entered my mind and one half said 'yeah' the other half thankfully brought it back with a resounding 'Oh my goodness, no Shiv, that is a revolting thought'. Tilly is going to hate us enough with all this documentation. Some things are best left to the imagination.

Richard did take a photo of the after effects of this latest event - a surprised, tear stained face.

Tilly tripych

I filmed Tilly bouncing today with the webcam. Mainly to capture her babbling. When I was playing with the captured footage in Movie Maker I played with the effects. The results, to me at least are hilarious.

Tilly bouncing - original


Tilly fast


Tilly slow

Left holding the baby again

Richard's friend Ben is getting married. We were invited to the wedding but we're not going. After a lot of talk about the wedding, getting the invitation, going down with Matilda to their house for a BBQ, it appears she is not invited. It was never explicitly stated, we just presumed and when they asked us if we were coming I noticed her name wasn't on the invitation. Richard checked and instead of being upfront, it became an email battle of 'well if it means you won't come then she is more than welcome' - which of course means she isn't invited at all. Just say it for goodness sake. There is no question in my mind, the wedding is in Somerset, it is the weekend after another wedding and I'm not going without her, she'll only be 6 months old. I've had a baby because I wanted a family, we come as a package now and there are three of us. All or nothing. I completely respect any couple's wish not to invite children to a wedding but please, be upfront about it. Don't dilly dally.

The reason I mention this is because twice already Richard has literally left me holding the baby for Ben. Before the realisation that Tilly wasn't invited to the wedding, Richard left me for the weekend to attend Ben's stag weekend in Norfolk. This was the day after she screamed the place down and we had to take her to the doctors. Tonight, once again Ben is having yet another "I'm going off the market party", just get on with it for god's sake. It is only early August, he is not getting married until September - how many more is he going to have??

I spend my days happy but lonely. I crave adult company and look forward to Richard coming home. Tonight, I'm still on my own as Richard is out. They came back earlier to drop things off before venturing out to Wing Wah. I am left sitting here, Tilly in bed asleep and me downstairs with a glass of wine. I'm not bitter, , , , well actually maybe I am. I love Tilly to bits and pieces and every moment of her loveliness my heart melts and swells again with pride of what I've made and continue to grow. But I've not had any time to myself since she was born, not really by myself. When I say this in front of Richard he comments that he has looked after her while I've been shopping. Not quite, pushing her while she is asleep in the pram outside the shop I'm in doesn't quite count. Richard has been out with work, disc-golfing, photography days with Paul and a multitude of stag events for Ben. I've done nothing. Wing Wah is literally across the road. They could just have easily got a take away and eaten it here in our dining room. I don't even need to be in there with them if they want it to be a work friends thing, just knowing that there is someone else in the house would be nice. Richard has apologised for going out tonight in advance and when he returned earlier and mentioned he really didn't want to go. His life still goes on, changed slightly but not tipped upside down like mine has by Tilly's arrival.

On Saturday I am going to work for a meeting with David and Benjamin about the market project. I'm so excited. It is something for me. I will be on my own. This is something that I'm really looking forward to but also scared of. I will worry about Tilly when I'm away. Richard is going to look after her. The only thing is he is already talking about walking her around town (no doubt outside my work) while I'm in the meeting. He needs to build his confidence looking after Tilly, he knows what to do but always double checks with me. He's often commented on the fact that he'd like to share with feeding, Tilly has been on bottles for a week and is eating some baby rice and he has not fed her once. Surely he should be jumping at the chance to bond and feed his daughter. Whenever he has looked after her while I sleep or have a shower he has a tendency to stick her in front of the television and stick Teletubbies on. I put Teletubbies on once a day to give myself a carefully planned routine of breakfast, shower, dressed and put the washing and steriliser on - it takes 15 minutes. My other justification for putting it on is that I spend the rest of the day talking to her, playing with her and just generally interacting. Richard doesn't spend a lot of time playing with her. He can make her smile at the drop of a hat - always. He is besotted with her, totally in love and I love that. However, he is also fixated on her as a photography project, obsessed by taking a photo a day. A lovely idea but I never had a father who interacted with me and I don't want Tilly to have the same experience.

Mother and baby groups

All my life I have struggled with shyness. Sometimes I can almost pretend that I'm not me and I will appear an outgoing person confident enough to talk to anyone, but I've noticed that this tends to be when I am working. In a work capacity, I will approach strangers in the street, ask them to get involved with something or often make a fool out of myself. If only I could manage to do this when I wasn't at work, I'm sure my life would be quite different. I suppose over the last few years I've not had to deal with 'new person' shyness. When it happens I can feel myself revert to a child, hiding behind the safety of my mum's skirt. As soon as I am over it I'm fine. This shyness has all come flooding back over the last few months and never more apparent than attending mother and baby sessions.

There are many Breastfeeding Cafes held in and around Coventry. I've been going to two of them on and off since Matilda was 5 days old. I really don't know why I go. Before each one, I think it will do me good to get out and be with other adults, it will do Matilda good to be in the company of other people and get used to noises of other babies etc. But those thoughts evaporate as I walk through the door, looking at a circle of people and babies, already sitting in their 'cliques', all turning around to stare at the newcomer that walked through the door and my heart sinks deep into my shoes. I try to walk over as confidently as I can towards them. This hasn't always been the case but 80% of the times it has been like this. For 20% of visits I felt happy and recognised people I knew and got on with and we chatted and had a nice time. Shame that I can't always check if they'll be attending. This group is a drop in and it is in Tile Hill. I don't like Tile Hill.

Before I go I think of all the things I can talk about to the people I'd like to get to know a little more. When the time comes, my head disintegrates and I sit to one side and only if there is a spare seat will I dare to go and join in in the conversations some of the others are having. The difficulty is that Matilda is younger than their children so they are all talking about the stage that their daughters are at now. Also I think deep down I know that I would only ever get on with two of these people (at a push) outside this group. Why should I feel I have to make friends with someone just purely as we have children? Why . . because being a mum is so lonely, not only the long days stuck inside with only the four walls and a baby but you become a social bore to those without children. I've never thought that my life was that interesting anyway, but add a baby to the mix and I have no hope whatsoever. Richard returns from work telling me stories of office life each evening and although I don't really understand (and honestly, it doesn't sound too exciting either) I crave a little piece. Several times I've started to tell him stories of my day but stopped myself halfway as I know they are boring. I bore myself. Which underlines why my only option now is to make new friendships with other mums so we can all bore each other with tales of sick and poo. This is where my problem is, where can I find other mums like me? Mums who aren't too precious, mums who are honest. I've not found a single one so far. Motherhood is like a competition that everyone knows they are in, but don't admit it and they are all desperate to win. No one is brave enough to tell it like it is. Sometimes it is crap, really shitty (pardon the pun). Yes, I have a baby. Yes, she is the apple of my eye but she can also be a little devil and I'm tired. The two don't mix. But that is not what they'd let you believe, they have a wonderful time all the time. It is like they are in some 1950's movie or even worse a happy-clappy musical and I'm waiting for them to burst into song.

Mother & toddler groups, Breastfeeding Cafes or whatever they want to be known as are like lions dens. They are full of mums whose babies can sleep through the night, never cry and are just little angels 100% of the time. Now I don't want to put a downer on Matilda but she has proved that this is not the case. The occasions that I have been to the groups I have put my foot in it several times. I dared to mention that I was looking forward to going back to work, which resulted in me getting disgusted/pitying looks all round. It is not just the groups where I've received this reaction, someone was talking about a friend of ours and slagged off another mum as she 'returned to work', she said it with such scorn. Before I had time to interject, she had already launched into 'if you don't want to look after them yourself, best not have them' speech. After she'd quite finished I piped up, "I'm returning to work in a few weeks actually and I'm looking forward to it", she rapidly started backtracking and digging an enormous hole for herself (hard to do in a moving vehicle!). That aside, back to Mother and Baby groups.

They are supposed to be supportive places but they are nothing of the sort, all support is veiled with competition.

Imagine all of these questions with a finger to the chin in an inquisitive yet smug way.

1. Can your baby go to sleep by themselves or do they have to be rocked?
2. Are you breastfeeding? (that is a whole new debacle)
3. Can they sit up yet?
   
4. Have they got their first tooth?
   
5. How were they with their injections?
   
6. How are they sleeping?
   
7. Are you weaning them yet?
   
8. Are you putting them into nursery and when?
9. have they said their first words yet?
   

After listening to your answer, here are theirs:

1. "XX just drops off when they are taken to their room and have been like that since they were born." (except for one who scared the living daylights out of me by telling me I must get her to do it now, "DO IT NOW", or else I'll never get any sleep until she is 5.)
2. There are two camps here. Mother-bleedin'-earth (MbEs) who of course breastfeeds and took to it sooo naturally. She just flopped them out and baby latched on no problem. Never finds it a bore or sore. MbEs are in perfect harmony with their lactation, never leaking. I've noticed they usually have smaller breasts, the reason I mention this is that I can't get breastfeeding bras over a DD cup, which when I was an F before I was pregnant is pretty useless. MbEs will probably continue to breastfeed for as long as possible, they'll do it on demand and will no doubt have a small talking child running behind them asking for 'boobie'. Then there are Bottle Feeders this group is split. Half will have never even considered breastfeeding and will have wanted to bottle feed so the baby doesn't interfere with their life too much, they can let others babysit and they can continue to go clubbing (forgive this sweeping stereotype but I've met many and this was their reason). Then there are those who tried breastfeeding and either couldn't or didn't want to continue. Often this group is made to feel guilty that they aren't 'doing the best for their baby' as it is constantly shoved down their throats that 'breast is best'. Well maybe it is but don't beat them up about it. Some can't and are forced by horrid midwives down the bottle route, it nearly happened to me. It is this element of the hidden competition that MbEs win every time, and don't they sit there smugly knowing it? I feel sorry for those who couldn't - they are made to feel such a burden of guilt, by MbEs and even healthcare professionals.
3. of course they can, they are probably on the verge of walking.
4. yep probably have adult teeth coming through soon - XXX is soooo developed don't you know.
5. "didn't even whimper, XXX is sooooo brave."
6. (I hate this one) "XXX has been sleeping right through from 7pm, 7am since 6 weeks." Smug bastards.
   
7. Another one heaped in controversy, but with this it has been the mums v.s professionals in the two teams. Current guidance is exclusive milk feeds until 6 months. All I can say is god help you if you mention to Erica (the midwife) that you might be considering doing it sooner. I overheard her saying that she was going to report a foster mum to social services as she had started to wean a baby at 4 months.
   
8. Another competition, this one is also split. Points are scored for how long you have off, the longer you have the higher you score. Additional points can be scored for friends and family supporting you with the childcare when you do go back to work. Childminders v.s Nurseries. Nurseries seems to be the main option for those when they have to, but of course more point scoring for which one, what facilities it has etc etc.
   
9. oh yes, "XXX has been saying 'Mummy' since they were 6 weeks old."Well, I ask you. Babies can barely smile at that age without it being wind so I very much doubt it.
   

Wow. I didn't realise I was that bothered by it all. I was going to call this blog 'Socially inept' for that is what I am. Although I am not reconsidering, I think that given the circumstances I see why I find it so hard. I am still in shy mode and these groups require you to be brave and brazen, confident and full of shit. Perhaps I'll just stick with my four walls and my perfect baby (;-)) for the next few weeks and stay away.

Asleep at the buttons

All of our efforts to encourge Tilly to fall asleep by herself and not be rocked or fed to sleep, must've worked. Today I put her in her play pen, propped up with cushions with toys all around and she'd been playing quite happily for a long time. It all went a bit quiet. My mind was starting to panic as to what have happened to make her quiet (suffocating on a cushion or something equally awful) but there she was asleep with her toys all around her. So sweet.

With a moo, moo here . . .

It is Richard's last day off work today so we went to Hoar Park farm. There is a small holding with farm animals set up for small children, not quite as young as Tilly though! She enjoyed Brighton and all it had to offer so much that we thought we'd take her to see something else.

I've always taken it for granted that everyone has been to farms when they are little, I remember one school trip a goat ate the back of my school uniform dress! But I was never more shocked when working at Creative Partnerships and my colleague Ann (very intelligent woman with two children) and I went to a conference venue at a nature reserve. Ann, 30, shrieked as we arrived as a peacock shrilled it's tune, she had never heard the noise before. We continued to walk up to the barn past pens of animals. She asked what they were, there was a pig, a goat, some chickens and ducks. She stood back looking both horrified and disgusted at the animals in front of her. She said she'd never seen them for real before. I was absolutely astonished, I know that we were in urban Birmingham but come on. She had two children, so I guess if she had never seen them before then neither would they.

Anyway, we took Tilly to Hoar Park farm and we walked around seeing goats, pigs, cows, ducks, peacocks and lots of chickens. I walked around with her in her WilkiNet on my chest and I made all the noises of each of the animals. I've always done this anyway - tried to talk to them and now I have the perfect excuse to do it loudly as I have a child to educate!

Rock hard

That is what my breast are like at the moment.

I'm delighted that Tilly is taking a bottle, it's a breakthrough. I could continue to breastfeed her using my milk but a) expressing is a bit of a faff and b) I don't particularly want to return to work and have leaking bosoms during my meetings. So I've opted for a mixture of formula and breastmilk for Tilly. I'm going to breastfeed her in the morning and evening and the rest of the time she can have formula, good for both of us.

There is a lot of information about starting to breastfeed but then you get the hang of it and no further information is provided. What about stopping or reducing breastfeeding? I need some help. I would go to the breastfeeding cafe and ask Erica but quick frankly I know that it will do me no good. She'll say the right things and give me the answers but then make me so guilty about not continuing breastfeeding, 'did I know that employers must support mums with a room and a fridge for their milk?', 'breast is best', 'exclusive breastfeeding for 6 months' blah blah blah. I don't want to sit at work going off occasionally to 'pump' somewhere in the corner, I'd need a steriliser, it is not a dignified look, I don't want to store it in the fridge with everyone else's lunch or be bought a special 'Siobhan's breast milk fridge'. So I've been on the Internet to find out what to do - how to stop breastfeeding, or at least reduce it to two feeds a day.

One thing I must mention here is to quanitify the amount of milk I am producing. I've got to the point where I don't notice my breasts feeling full, this is because they've apparently regulated themselves for Tilly's needs. You can't see breastmilk go out, I have no idea how much Tilly has had per feed other than half a breast or a full breast. I was amazed reading the instructions on the formula milk how much she has been taking from me. For a baby of Tilly's age and weight she drinks 7 fl oz a feed, 5 times a day. That doesn't sound like much but when I made up the first bottle I was shocked, it is a large glass of milk. I'm producing a large glass of milk every 4 hours. Isn't the body amazing?

Anyway, t'internet says that once they are taking a bottle, I can reduce a feed at a time. My body will stop producing milk if it is not required and I will only produce when necessary - again, I'm already amazed. So I dropped one feed on Friday and then another yesterday and today I'm in agony! They don't tell you how long it takes. My body doesn't appear to be listening and is still producing milk for Tilly - can't it see the bottle?! I had a lacy bra on and my milk came literally gushing through the holes, I had to go and find the breast pads - I haven't used them in ages. This morning I got out of the shower and as I stood trying to get dressed, both breasts were dripping like a tap onto my toes, milk coming out so fast. Richard was sitting on the edge of the bed with Tilly with a mixture of amazement and disgust on his face.

They are sore. It feels like it did when my milk came in. It feels like someone has cut me and shoved two rocks under my skin, they are solid. I could injure myself with them. I am so amazed by the body and the changes that have occurred through this surreal journey of motherhood. I sat there touching the tops of them, fascinated by the hardness. I went over to Richard wanting him to share in my amazement.
"Feel them, they are so hard" I said
"No" he said, again disgusted.

I think it is only me who is amazed by the human body, . . my body that is doing strange and weird things.

Gorgeous not just in her mother's eyes

I am a proud mum and like any mum think my daughter is absolutely gorgeous. I also know that not everyone will share this sentiment with me. Today, Richard returned from Boots having picked up some photos from processing and the packet was just delightful. Someone processing them had written on them "How cute is your baby!!!" They may well write it on everyones photos but I'd like to think they don't. It has made me smile all day and be extra especially proud of my 'officially' cute little girl.

Then I realised I have come over all gushing about her generally. This last week has been amazing. She has just developed so much in all areas. We have a great routine going and we are far more in tune with each other than we have been before. All the things I was starting to get more and more anxious about, she has just adpated to. She is happily taking a bottle at three feeds now, she is enjoying eating thicker and thicker baby rice with more flavours. I can put her down when it is time for a sleep and she knows what she is supposed to do and lies there quietly for a while and then drifts off. She is interesting and smiley. I can make her laugh and giggle and these times are just pure joy - the best feeling, I can almost feel the chemicals rushing through my body when she laughs, better than any drug.

Hanging out with Tilly

A few years ago we went to Wellsbourne Market, the biggest outdoor market in the UK I think. We really liked it and picked up a few bargains. Since having Tilly I am a big fan of car boot sales and the like - babies grow out of things so quickly and some of the stuff is hardly used and Richard is interested in old cameras, so we thought we'd go back to Wellsbourne. We arrived and it was not what we remembered at all. I remember half normal markets, a quarter good quality car boot and the rest collectibles. I'm not sure if time has changed it but it was very chavvy, full of tat. Cheap looking stuff that had fallen off the back of lorries. So we chavved it up and bought a burger from the burger van and an ice cream from the van at the other end and went home. I think Tilly's face in this picture says it all.

Bag, what bag?

Siobhán is relieved her bag (with purse and other valuables) was still on the pavement 40 minutes after realising it wasn't on the pram in town. 5:35pm

Blues Singer at 8:47pm August 1

Oh my, that was lucky!!! You do have Mum-head now. Don't worry, Mike has had the same problem for years and he manages to get by :)

Siobhán Harrison at 10:22am August 2

In fact, even with my mummy brain I would still never do such a thing. Richard was packing the car. I was in IKEA and just asked casually "where is the changing bag?" Richard went into turbo flap mode (as he knew where it was). I (surprisingly for me) took it all quite calmly as Richard drove home and back. i was in town with no phone, no money ... or more scarily than any of the above- no nappies and both Tilly and I were in white. Tilly was due a steaming heap but thankfully she held it in until we got home. Phew. Quite an eventful trip.

Beth Jaggs at 2:48pm August 5

Oh the joys of mummy brain. After a shopping trip I left the buggy on the side of the road and only realised when I'd driven home. Thankfully I hadn't left Sam in it - and it was still there when I went back! xx