Unhealthy obsession with snot and songs

In my late night wanderings downstairs at stupid o'clock to feed Tilly I've watched some crap telly. But I've also seen things I wouldn't have otherwise. I found myself glued to Lily Allen's chat show which showed the best of the worst YouTube heroes. I only watched it once but the man and his stupid song has stuck in my head ever since. It is called "What? What?" and basically is a big gay man singing and the lyrics go a little like this:

"What? What? In the butt? What? What? In the butt? You wanna do it in my butt? In my butt? Do it in my butt? In my butt?"

Now, this isn't the sort of song I often sing along to but it has a very catchy (or should I say monotonous) tune. Ever since I heard it I've been singing it around the house and more worryingly to Tilly, especially when changing her nappy. Richard has told me I really should stop singing it but it is going to be hard.


The other song that has been sung a lot to Tilly is my own version of Natasha Bedingfield's song "I wanna have your babies". Again, this is a song I've only ever heard once but the song is catchy. I've reversioned the chorus for Tilly and I sing 'bogies' instead of 'babies'. She has a face full of snot at the moment and I have become rather pre-occupied with trying to get them out. I am fascinated when they do come out and I'm rather proud. I think perhaps too proud as I showed Jane one with a big smile and pride on my face but her face kinda showed me that I may have overstepped the mark a little with that one. Hey ho. Perhaps I'll just continue in private.
Richard has captured one of the moments beautifully on film.

little gibbon

Been seeing smiles for a while now but they are so fleeting, they are hard to catch on camera. This is the first and I'm sure the first of many.

Everything's fine - oh apart from . . . .

Another trip to the Tile Hill Breastfeeding Cafe, this time Katherine came with James. She seemed to have been walked there and back by Ed, perhaps this is due to having a Cesarean but she said she'd not been out much. Last week she phoned me I think to give me support as Richard must've told Ed I was struggling with breastfeeding. I wanted someone to sympathise with me, someone to say there are some wonderful times but that it isn't all easy. It seemed she was having a lovely time and all was hunky dory.

We were talking to the peer mentor at the cafe she asked how it was going and finally I can say OK, I think I'm almost there. She asked Katherine the same question, she replied and said it was going really well, and then as a casual aside "oh but I'm only feeding him from my right breast" - WHAT?? That is not fine, that is not hunky dory, you're obviously not doing OK so why make it seem like you are? I could have screamed - I've been down all week as I thought I was the only one struggling, I was honest with my troubles. I felt like a failure all last week. Perhaps she isn't bothered, perhaps she doesn't think it is anything to worry about. Perhaps I worry too much. One thing is for sure I wouldn't want that, surely you'd be all lopsided. The peer mentor seemed as shocked as I did and calmly told her to re-start feeding from the other breast. Perhaps I'm too honest and people don't like it but come on, I think I'd have mentioned that before. I want to find someone who is as honest and open as I am about this whole motherhood thing. I need someone to talk to.

Pee and sympathy

Lorna messaged me a few days ago and was so supportive. Such a breath of fresh air, talking to another normal mum.

Message from Lorna.

"Hi Siobhan - sorry for the lack of accent I have a silly computer!
How are you doing?
Went to work today and saw Heather and she was telling me that you had been into work with little Matilda Grace already!!!! Am very impressed - I think it took me 6 months to get William there to show him off - actually getting out of the house is a major test so to achieve a work visit so soon is a blinking fab thing! Am just sorry to have missed you both.

Wanting to go back to work doesn't make you a bad Mummy, it makes you normal! It's a bloody enormous shock having a baby! There's the birth thing and then the reality of it all. The emotions, the blessed guilt, the sheer exhaustion of it, the responsibility, the way you kind of loose your identity and become this being that is A Mummy! And the effort and hard work that no one else seems to understand and very infrequently praises you for.......

So, I reckon your normal for wanting to go back. I did. Work is safe and I feel confident there, I know what I'm doing, whereas, a newborn is a very different thing. I certainly felt well out of my comfort zone...way out of it like right to the other side of the word out of it!

Every day is a major learning curve and the first 6 weeks are hell on earth - it does get better and easier.

I'm often at a loose end so if you fancy visitors or coming here give me a shout. Always happy to chat. Don't sit there feeling pants - phone......or if you're not feeing pants ignore me and tell me to poke my nose out!!!

Lorna
xxx"

Hi Lorna,

Thank you for your message, and the first one too. I never got around to responding, each time I sit down at the computer she wakes up - she is naturally weaning me off facebook I think!

Your message is so encouraging. I know I am doing OK but there are certainly pinch points each day for about an hour or two where I just don't know what to do with her, she is clean, fed and she just screams. I just can't settle her - that and just being exhausted just makes me feel rubbish. When I try to talk to Richard about it he didn't understand as she was sleepy when we first brought her home and so he hadn't seen her at her worst, each time he came home last week she was fast asleep and just grizzles but doesn't scream in the evening. I felt like it was all in my mind and was looknig forward to him experiencing it this weekend, on Saturday she was as good as gold for the morning and it didn't kick in until late afternoon but then it came and finally I felt a huge relief as Richard tried to cope as she screamed. I think now he has a greater understanding but still gets upset if I say flippant comments like I want to go back to work. Of course I don't deep down but it would be nice sometimes to actually finish that cup of tea, go for a pee without it being a military operation. Don't get me wrong, I have 11 nieces and nephews so I knew it wasn't going to be easy but I think until it is your responsibilty and there is no let up you just don't realise what it is like until it happens to you.

I am going to Breastfeeding Cafes to get me out and about and I have enrolled us on a baby massage course. But I find them all a bit dull at the mo, as they are just all about babies, again I know that is the main reason for going but it is already boring me stupid - my life is consumed with babies all day so why do I want to talk about them constantly when I am out? I am still a little nervous about going further afield and I've only fed her in 'public' once and that was with Richard with me. I think a lady in the chemist summed it all up when on day 12 I was out getting a prescription and she came up to me and said, "Is that your first? Shock 'nnit?"

Anyway, I can't believe I have managed to write all of this without her waking up. I'd love to meet up soon,I'll drop you a line when I am feeling brave again!
S

Hello!
You're doing more than okay by the sounds of it - you're doing great! Physically I hope you're healing okay from the birth too... do your pelvic floor excersises.... they really help.
Blokes don't get it really, cos they don't ever get the one on one intensity of it, so it's positive for you both that he does get a taster of what it's like so you don't feel like you're on your own and he can support you and understand. It is a testing time - Joe and me used to row about the silliest things - usually who was the most tired which was a frankly stupid argument as obviously it was me!!!! Daniel Kitson is on in May - you should chase down a babysitter and get out for the night......

I totally get the loo and tea thing. I once had a number two with a screaming Daniel on my lap and William asking why I didn't have a willy!!!!! It's the lack of space to even go and be just a primitive human being that's hard to handle at times!

Baby massage is brilliant - I did it with William - and it really helped me to bond with him as I didn't initially and I'm not ashamed to say it!! Gosh what a terrible mother!

Your confidence will grow and grow, and there will be no stopping you! Anytime you want a destination we're just in Dunchurch so it's not too far and there's a cup of tea here!

Off to do the school run.....
x

Big foot

A long time ago I'd seen canvases, plates and casts of newborn baby's feet and hands. I'd bought a kit to cast her hand and foot in plaster and a small canvas board so we could take a print of her hand and foot too. This seemed like such a simple task.

Attempting to do this was difficult enough. Reading the instructions for the plaster of paris was confusing and we realised we wouldn't have much time to get it right. So we got Tilly ready and we made the plaster. As soon as we took her hands or feet near the quickly solidifiying plaster she clenched them up and stiffened. After plaster all over the place and us both laughing too much, we gave up on the hands. The feet were harder to clench so we stuck with them. After several attempts we were happy with the squashed and smeared print and left it to dry.

Looking now at the plaster cast, it is terrible and you can bearly make out the fact it could possibly be a baby's foot. I have a more complicated casting kit for a 3D keepsake but at the moment I think it would just end up in the bin.

While we were there, we also did a foot print with pink paint on a small canvas board. Her left foot was all we could manage - so Tilly when you ask why we didn't do your hands, you'll now know why.

We're always la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, sho-ooo-ooo-pping

Whoohoo!

I've been shopping today, not just food shopping, proper shopping. Richard has been brilliant, he has noticed my frustration of still wearing my maternity clothes and not fitting anywhere near any of my old clothes and said we had to go shopping. So we went to Soilhull, it was ace. When we arrived Richard took Tilly in the pram and told me to go shopping, get some clothes that make me feel good. Yes, this is just what I needed. I nipped in and out of shops and got a fleece, a skirt and a pair of jeans. They all fit. Richard is not keen on the skirt, I've gone and got a short denim skirt and I know how he feels about denim. But he knows my reasons are to make myself feel less fat and frumpy and a short denim skirt does wonders for that.

I was hoping we'd get home before Tilly needed feeding but we didn't. The heavens opened and it poured down, Tilly was hungry and I had to feed her, we looked in Starbucks and other coffee shops but as it was raining and still lunchtime they were heaving with people, certainly nowhere to sit down. We ran to Weatherspoons and found a big sofa in the corner. I've never fed Tilly in a public place before, only ever at home in front of friends and family or at a breastfeeding cafe. I was slightly nervous and very self conscious but Tilly didn't know that and she was hungry. I carefully pulled my top up and draped my scarf over my shoulder to conceal her feeding. I'd done it, I was feeding in public and no one noticed. The Grand National was on the big screens and I squinted to see what was happening. The pub smelt of beer and wet bodies all trying to shelter from the rain but I didn't care.

I've overcome another hurdle and I've got new clothes that fit - today has been a good day.

Back to work.

Today, I took the bull by the horns. Slapped on the make up, did my hair and ventured into town. This will be the furthest I've been. I'm still not used to driving with Tilly in the car but I need to get out, I need to do this. Before I even got in the car, the lady over the road came over to look at Tilly. When I said I was going into town, she asked if I should be doing that. Why? Because I had a baby 3 weeks ago or because she is so tiny? I felt so brave for going and - not just brave, proud of myself. I was up, washed, dressed and presentable and it wasn't even 11am. I've heard of new mums who don't get dressed all day. Not me, I am determined to get out and not let this difficult bit get the better of me. But now she had planted the seed of doubt into my mind. Should I be going out? Should I be driving? Hang on, I need to get out. I won't know if it is too early until I try it. I got in the car, drove in and Tilly was asleep by the time we got into town. I even managed to pop into New Look to buy myself some clothes but I think it was the excitement as they aren't at all nice, so I'll have to take them back. I made my way across town to work. I was really scared about going in.

Tilly was asleep and was cooed over by everyone. I felt better for seeing people. It made me miss work though. I am really proud of myself today. I feel almost normal, I've been into town shopping and visiting work.

Baby signing

Met Rita today, the Health Visitor, she is so lovely. I was really scared about her coming around and 'inspecting' but it wasn't like that at all. She was very supportive and gave me more leaflets about contraception (oh purlease!), cot death and breastfeeding. She didn't weigh Tilly today as she has just come back to work and has a bad knee so couldn't carry the scales. They'll come round and do it next week.

Later I went along to the Tile Hill breastfeeding cafe, I'm determined to get some help from someone when she is awake! It was my first journey out in the car. I'm so proud of myself that I'm not only up and about but can go further than just walking distance. I daren't take the car seat out yet though as I'm worried I won't get it back in safely so I transferred her from the seat to the pram and back in again. Kinda makes a mockery of the whole travel system with the seat clipping onto the pram base.

I walked into the room, the door was closed and as I opened it there were lots of people, unlike the Whoberley one. They were all sitting around in a group, they turned, stared and then carried on. Erica came up to me and walked me towards an empty chair. Tilly was asleep. They announced that they were about to start, baby signing. Wow, I want to do that anyway. I know she's a bit young but I can learn can't I? They didn't do anything other than chat at Whoberley, Tile Hill had activities. As I Tilly was asleep I just sat there and learnt the songs and signs. I had a chat to a peer mentor who told me that breastfeeding would get better soon. She had a little boy, not sure how old, maybe 8 months. She scared me a little about sleeping. She's told me I must start getting good sleep habits with Tilly now, no rocking, feeding or walking to sleep. There were horror stories that her little boy hasn't slept at all well and has to be held to sleep. I'm starting to get paranoid.

I'd asked Richard to mention to Ed and Katherine that I was going along to the session but she didn't turn up. I feel great for getting out and so proud I'm fully mobile now . . .where next?