Richard went back to work for the first time today. It wasn't too scary as mum was still here and went home tonight. To get me out and about some more we took a walk a bit further afield and went to the local Post Office. It was cold outside and Tilly was snugly wrapped up in babygrows, coats, hats and the snuggliest blanket we had. She just looked so cute staring up at me as I pushed her down the road. I took a picture on my phone and sent it to Richard at work.
Mum went back home this evening. It was really lovely having her down and looking after me, but I feel sad that she left me while I am like this. I do not have post-natal depression but I'm currently not enjoying the way my body feels. It still aches. I'm struggling with breastfeeding and my back hurts, my bits hurt, it is sore when I go up the stairs, my stitches haven't healed and I have a frozen shoulder. That, and I am anxious - in this state, how can I be a good mother to Tilly? She doesn't really quieten for me, mum has been brilliant at pacing up and down with her and getting her to sleep. I'm so exhausted I just want to sleep so keep dropping off. I've been trying so hard to do it by myself, I know I can but it just seems like a daunting uphill task.
I'm thankful that I'd heard about the baby blues. A common teary period a few days after the birth of a baby. Your milk comes in and changes all your hormones in your body - one thing it isn't is post-natal depression. I knew this but as before with the whispering, I could hear my mum and Richard in the kitchen. Mum telling Richard what to do and not to pander to me. He wasn't pandering, he was sympathising and giving me what I needed. Mum had made Richard panic that I was on the verge of a breakdown with my crying. I was crying not because I was sad but because I needed to - my body wanted me to. Mum in typical mode came marching towards me wagging 'the finger' about 3 inches from my face telling me to "STOP IT, Just Stop IT". Well I don't know about you but for me, that kind of thing stopped working around the age of 8. I'd had enough. It was now time mum should go home, but I was completely torn. I love my mum but right now, this was not good for me. I knew I needed to cry. Poor Claire got the brunt of my despair and she called just after mum had gone to the shops and I'd thought mum had put her up to it. Claire was just what I needed, confirmation that it was OK to cry and just let it out. The worst part for me was the upset that although mum was currently doing my head in. I didn't want her to go home with me being a complete bitch. I love my mum but she does fuss - a lot. I was just snapping and getting frustrated with her. I don't want us to be like that but it was getting worse and worse. I know that I will get over this and be in a much better frame of mind and my hormones will return to a normal balance and we'll get on just fine. But would she know that? In our family it is one of those unsaid things - "I love you" underlying but never mentioned - for all of us. It is due to this that I couldn't bring myself to say it, not least as mum would probably dismiss it with embarrassment (she's never been one for showing her feelings).
It has always made me teary seeing any of my family go. Since I was little I used to cry whenever Simon, Claire, Sarah or Lulu left for home/university. I remember trying to hide my tears from mum as they or we left. I've very rarely seen my mum cry and for those that know her, she doesn't cope well with others crying either.
So the time has come for us to have time and space as our own (very new) family. I want to be by myself, but it petrifies me. So mum left and I (as I always have done) put a brave face on to say goodbye and with lip trembling turned around as tears rolled down my face.
After the tears had stopped and I was by myself with Tilly, I received a text from my mum while she waited at the airport (plane delayed).
"You are going to be a wonderful mummy. I wouldn't have left if I thought you couldn't cope. SMILE AND ENJOY HER! Love Mum"
And with that I was off again, tears started to create a pool on my knee.
I love my mum.
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