Destraught and fed up

I've cried so much today, the tears and despair have turned into anger and frustration. I can't get the hang of this breastfeeding malarkey. It is supposed to be easy but I can't do it. The more desperate I get the worse it becomes. I'm getting so tense and frustrated with Tilly and my breasts that I'm just not getting anywhere. She always seems hungry and falls asleep at the breast all the time. They say that this is due to them not getting latched on properly and getting exhausted. But I seem to spend all my time feeding her, sitting in the same chair trying to do it. She seems hungry all the time. Why can't I do it? All my sisters have done it, Sarah until they've been walking and talking - why can't I get it? I'm in total despair, why can't I feed my baby? Why can't I be a real mother to her? I am failing her.

I can hear mum and Richard in the kitchen talking about bottles. I am not doing bottles. I am not giving up. However hard this gets I'm going to do it. Every so often they try to broach the subject, top ups. My body has been designed to provide for my baby and that is what I'm going to do. I can do it, I'm stubborn. I will do it. I don't want my baby to have bottles, I want to breastfeed. Although I'm in absolute agony and despair I'm going to do it. Do they think I can? Have they no faith in me? Why are they supporting me to give up when I need support to continue? This makes me feel more and more depressed. I have sat sobbing and getting angry all morning. Richard has been on the Internet and he has phoned support groups, helplines and more all trying to help me, but it is a Sunday. They've mentioned going back to hospital to get help but that bloody midwife was pushing me towards bottles and that is the last thing I want, some professional recommending them. I want people who are pro breastfeeding, I want someone to help me do it, someone to show me. Everyone I speak to gives me the same bloody advice, have you tried feeding her lying down/under the arm/across the body/nose to nipple, mouth open wide/tried keeping her cool when feeding? Of course I have! I've read every bloody suggestion and tried it a dozen times, nothing seems to work. Is it just my body? Is it Tilly?

Richard eventually phoned La Leche league - a pro breastfeeding group. The woman on the other end once again started reeling off the list of 'have you tried?' I couldn't cope with answering again, I broke down into floods of tears and handed the phone to Richard. If there is the same advice from everyone and I've tried it all, I'm obviously not going to 'get it'. The next thing I know I could hear Richard thanking her profusely and giving her our address. She was coming over as soon as she'd finished dinner - wow, it was a Sunday. I started to feel a little better, after all this is what I'd been craving, someone to sit with me and show me what to do, tell me where I was going wrong and give me the magic cure.

This tall drippy woman arrived at the door with a plastic doll shoved under her arm. The first thing I noticed is that she hardly had any breasts at all, merely tiny bumps, she certainly didn't need a bra and if she did she'd barely fill a double AA cup. I don't suffer fools gladly and I can't take soppy people. She sat on the floor looking up at me with pitying, simpering eyes as I sobbed with frustration. Once again Tilly was asleep so I couldn't show her how I was doing it to start with. She started to, once again go through 'have you tried?' questions, demonstrating on her doll. Aghhh. I've done everything I just can't get it right. I wanted her to leave. I wanted to punch her, for being wet, for being a mother who could, for being a mother who could even without big breasts. I became despondent. Thanks for coming out and all but it's not helped. I feel the same, if not worse than I did this morning.