I've just phoned Marie Claire to catch up and find out how her pregnancy was going. OOOf. She got told at her 20 week scan that there was an abnormality and after a series of scans and tests she has been told that her baby may not survive. The baby is a fighter and has continued to grow but the risk still stays and they've been warned that it will have serious developmental problems. I can't believe how well she seemed to cope with it, so brave. It must be awful to go through that. It has totally put all my moans and groans into perspective. My heart goes out to Marie Claire and Akira for the next few weeks, months and years. I cannot imagine how they are feeling. Having a baby brings such joy and happiness and all you wish for is for it to be safe and well. To have to go through with the rest of the pregnancy knowing that it may not even survive let alone be healthy must be heart-wrenching.
I feel shit too. I've not spoken to her in a while and there I was phoning her up all bubbly and excited and she had to break the news to me. I must do more, be in contact with more friends more regularly. I feel rubbish I've not been there for her, not that there is much that I can do but listen. It is hard too, she asked me about my birth and of course hers will be so different anyway with all the added anxieties. She asked about Tilly and I felt almost embarrassed to say she was well.
Every day when I look at Tilly, my heart aches with love and care for her. I get emotional at the end of every night when I kiss her goodnight and tell her I love her and she snuggles down and says she loves me back. I love her understanding, her humour and even her delicate sensitivities when watching Disney films. I love her shouting 'Mumma, where you are?' every time I leave the room. I love her 'finger thing' that only she and I can do, to bend our fingers back and make little goggles the wrong way around to everyone else. I love her snuggles and the smell of her hair, her beautifully formed teeth, her smile and the little wrinkles that appear on the top of her nose. I love her sense of style, the fact that even at the age of 2 1/2 she can colour coordinate her clothes and somehow can make herself even more fashionable that what I'd chosen for her. I love how she likes listening to songs but still can't get the words in the right order and says they are too easy for her (but meaning hard). I love baking with her, the way she knows all the ingredients and waits patiently until the end before asking 'Can I lick it now?' I just love her.
She really is my everything and I will do everything I can to make sure she is OK. I know that I am lucky to have her and tonight has just made that doubly so. We are so lucky to not only have a child but to have a healthy, happy one.
My love and best wishes goes to Marie Claire, Akira and their families for what they will have to cope with in the future.
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