Palpitations

I've been getting so stressed with work. This trip to Dresden is so exciting but as it has been on the cards for so long it has also meant that the anxieties have had plenty of time to build up. Anxieties for the project itself but more importantly leaving Tilly and Richard. I know they'll be fine really but I can't help but worry. I get her up and ready in the mornings until Richard is ready to go and when I come home, I get her bathed, dressed and into bed with stories. In the night, if she wakes I am straight there. Yesterday morning I went downstairs to watch the Chilean miners being rescued, so when she woke up and trundled into our room I wasn't there. She started almost screaming, Richard went up and she cried and wouldn't stop until I was there to give her a cuddle. It is this change of routine that I'm worried about. I want to be there. Not to mention Richard being so stressed with work, I know he doesn't really want me to go away and leave him to cope on his own. With all this and the pressure of organising the trip (in German), not having a translator, hotels, cars or money sorted then I have been more than a little stressed. On Tuesday I was having pains across my chest, twinges and feeling short of breath. Today I booked an appointment with the Dr to rule anything more sinister than panic attacks out, thank goodness I'm OK. I wish I'd done it a lot sooner. I've been worrying about going away, leaving Tilly, flying for a while, it all came to a head yesterday when I got into work, Ness came to talk to me and I broke down.

I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to me or Richard. I love Tilly so much and I just want to see her grow up. I want to be there for her just like my mum has always been there for me. I can't express how much I feel this. Since she was born I've had sleepless nights worrying about her future. Will she be healthy? Will she be happy? Will we see her grow up with possibly children of her own? It almost brings me to tears every time and sometimes even does too. Anyway, that is enough of my paranoia and anxieties. I'm fine to go to Dresden and I won't half hug her tight when I come back.

P.S. I've made Tilly a CD with me reading her eight favourite bedtime stories, so even though I won't be here I can still sort of do bedtime.