Baby Start

In my desperation to keep getting out of the house, I thought I'd pop along to Baby Start. Described as "A chance for babies to explore a stimulating and sensory environment."
I fed Tilly and she had a sleep so I thought she'd be OK. It was so hot inside the centre, I was led into a waiting area as we were too early. Tilly was fascinated by this new place. A few more mums arrived, they all knew each other and I couldn't even catch their eyes to make a connection they were so engrossed in their convesration. Their babies were older, all about 7 months and all boys. Some more mums arrived and with that we were immediately led down the long, dark narrow corridors into the Baby Start room. The lights were low, there were fairy lights lit up both up against the wall and in fibre optic tubes all over the floor. There were sheets laid out all over the floor with cushions, toys, ribbons, mirrors, clocks and things to chew. It all looked exciting but Tilly is far too small for it. I thought I'd sit down and let her just look. After a minute of quiet Tilly started to cry. I paced up and down with her trying to reassure her it was OK. We had ruined this calming space, all the other babies were older and content, Tilly's cries were getting louder and louder. I was getting more stressed and I just wanted to leave, but I'd only just arrived, that would look rude. I'd look stupid. I went over towards the wall near a corner and sat down. I thought if I feed Tilly she'd be quiet, she fed for a few minutes and then dropped off to sleep. I was left holding her, far away from the others. They all continued to talk about their babies development; they were being weaned, starting to crawl and much more. We are so far behind them, I can't imagine Tilly getting to that point, it all seems so long away. They were talking about returning to work, none of them wanted to. One didn't even have a job to return to. I feel sorry for her, what a difficult position to be in.

Michelle from the SureStart team came over to see me. We talked for a little while. I was embarrassed, everytime I've seen her Tilly has been grizzly, she must think she is such an awkward baby. She's not like this all the time, there are some wonderful moments, she is just worst when we are out. I'd had enough of being a 'Billy no mates' in the corner, so I manoeuvred myself with great difficultly from sitting on the floor (babe in arms) to standing, trying desperately to put my shoes on. Michelle came over to help, she took Tilly who was now crying again as I'd uprooted her. I fumbled to get my fleece back on and my shoes on. Tilly was still crying, once again disturbing the peace and chatter from the others. I left without even putting her coat back on. I got back out into the reception and dressed her there, away from prying eyes. I walked back to the car embarrassed by my crying baby, ashamed of my inability to be able to make new friends and fed up as once again I returned to the house to be alone.