Shyness

I'm sitting in a cafe drinking a latte and worrying about Matilda's future.

Tilly is shy. She takes after both of us, shy at first but once familiar is a bossy and confident little Miss. Over the last 3 years I've tried to encourage her, make allowances for her shy and sometimes bordering rude behaviour. I don't like to say 'you're shy' as that almost gives her permission to never grow out of it. I remember being shy and hiding behind mum's skirt, her making a fuss and it usually ending up with her smacking me for not saying hello which always ended in more tears. I try not to do that, I try to wisper or mouth that she is shy to newcomers and tell them to just ignore. When ignored, she comes out of her shell far far quicker. When anyone makes a fuss she nears a meltdown.

Today is rainy and wet. In an effort to do something good, we've driven for 30 minutes to come to a garden centre with free soft play. I reminded Tilly before we came she'd have to go in by herself, 'Yup. I'm going to make friends'.

There were 3 children when we arrived, so we ate dinner and watched through the window. After food she seemed interested but slightly reluctant, but she took off her shoes and walked in. I looked for her, I couldn't see her, she was sitting on one of the parent chairs just watching. I left her for a bit.
After a while I popped my head around to encourage her to play. She decided to come out. I played the whole 'if you don't play we'll have to go home' card. It backfired as she agreed. We came back out and sat down.

A few children left leaving 2 sisters and their mum. Tilly slowly walked into the corner, she started to play and I finally relaxed. I watched the older sister approach her and as she spoke Tilly froze and slowly curled up into a ball. I watched, not surprised but my heart breaking as I looked at my child being *so* disfunctional. As well as feeling great sadness, I felt disappointed and almost angry at her for being like this. I could totally understand why my mum got so cross when I was little. It is silly behaviour, she has no need to be like this. I was determined not to intervene so she doesn't get attention from being shy. The mother of the sisters looked at me, I looked away. A few minutes later Tilly was still in a ball in the corner, her hoody over her head, knees tucked in tightly. The mother came out to kindly point out what she was doing, like I hadn't noticed! I said she is shy and must've looked heartless as I carried on sitting outside the glass and even going to get myself another coffee. But I wanted to ignore the behaviour and praise when she came out of it.

As I sat looking through the window at her curled up in a ball I became increasingly upset and I could feel the tears starting to well up in my eyes. What kind of parent creates a child like this? I don't want her to be as shy as me, as I was....as I am. What have I done to make her like this? How can I change her behaviour?

As I watched her, all I could see was a disturbed little girl. Other parents were looking at each other then looking at me. If I was them, I'd be worried too.

After 10 long minutes, she slowly crawled her way across the soft play to the door, not lifting her head to show her face (still covered by her hoody). She came out and we had a chat. Scroll forward 5 minutes and she was in again, this time a totally different child, swinging, sliding, giggling and even making friends.

Jeeze.
This parenthood shit is tough.