It is 5:24 and I'm sitting on a hospital bed waiting for something to start happening.
At only just 36 weeks, my morning started with what felt like a dull period pain, an hour later and I was having a lot of discharge. It was getting silly, having to make several trips to the loo before I left for work. As I walked to work, there was more and I felt wet and uncomfortable. It wasn't what I was expecting. I still had to do 2 weeks at work and with Tilly my waters had to be broken for me.
Got to work on strike day, had to walk past the picket which felt awful as I agree in principal with all they are striking for but with a baby (literally on the way), a roof that needs replacing and a car that needs servicing we need the money. Still, it was a friendly picket. I went out to make the call to the hosp on the balcony and sure enough they wanted me to come in. As I walked back into the empty newsroom, Duncan and Jeremy looked pleased to see me, I guess 'cause there was no bugger in so I offered to fill the gap. However this was soon shortlived as I said I had to go to hospital. I didn't tell them why, difficult telling your two male managers that I was wet. To them I suppose it looked like a pretty desperate attempt to get out of the strike/work! Serves me right really, I've joked too often about it starting at work. With Richard on the way, I managed to finish my cue off for the story the next day and sign off.
I continued to leak when we got to hospital but then I thought that they'd say 'don't be daft, just discharge' and send me home. I was quite scared when they said that my waters had gone as it all became real. This baby wants out. It is too early, I never really considered having a baby this early. At 36 weeks it will still be considered as premature, it may have problems breathing and I'm terrified it'll be tiny. I feel like I've failed, like I've done something wrong. Have I harmed my baby somehow? With my waters gone, there is no chance I can stretch it out to full term, I've been admitted and been told it'll be 24 - 48hours. Well, I'm not far of 24 now.
We've had good care so far. But I've been told they will induce me in a few hours to reduce the risk of infection to the baby. I really don't want to be induced but after a chat with the doctor we've decided to go ahead with it. The main thing is for me and the baby to be safe and well and I suppose this is the best for baby. I've had a few tears and I'm bloody scared. I stupidly asked for people's experience of induction via twitter and that didn't help, horror stories ahoy. Thank goodness for Helen who has resurrected #singanadvert to cheer me up, which it certainly has.
Being away from Tilly is really hard. She was in a gorgeous mood when I kissed her yesterday morning as she left for nursery. But the suddenness of it all means I've not seen her since and been able to explain what is happening. I'm terrified that something will happen to me and I'll not be able to tell her how much I love her. I'd not got around to doing some more bedtime stories for her either. And it sounds really morbid but I've not written my will. I know Tilly will have been delighted by the adventure of being picked up by Donna and going to Niamh's yesterday evening and even moreso by the arrival of Gran and Grampa. So I suppose at least I should be pleased that she is probably having a lot of fun. I tried to talk to her on the phone last night before she went to bed but I was fighting back tears and as I write I'm crying again.
I just want all 4 of us to be home, safe and well.
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