A bridge too far

Last night was horrendous. I'm exhausted from Tilly's night feeding but she has always fed well in the night and then gone back down to sleep. My anxiety about getting her to sleep by herself has been high recently and I've tried the crying it out routine for the last two days. The result? it has left Tilly scared and now she won't down down at all. I've felt like a complete bitch over the last two days and I've been in tears trying to do it. The books says I must persevere or I'll give her the wrong associations; that enough crying gets her picked up. I felt like I was getting on top of it. But last night as I tried to put her down after her first night feed, she cried. I am so cross at myself. Why did I have to go mucking about with things? She was doing OK at night, but my desperation to get her right for nursery has made me do something that has taken me back 10 steps. She just wanted to be held, almost scared of going down in her cot. I was too tired to cope and broke down. I walked away leaving Richard to cope with her tears. He got cross as I just left her, but I needed to. It sounds awful and I'm really ashamed to admit it but I see why people reach breaking point with their babies and shake them. I could feel anger and frustration building up and unless I left her I was petrified of the feelings I was having and that I may hurt her. Of course I know I wouldn't but the realisation of the thought in my mind scared me.

I went off to the bathroom and sat there crying, howling in fact. A combination of anger and desperation and with it mixed in, the fear of having thought such bad things. I am really a most horrible unfit mother. How could I think such a thing? I love her to pieces and never want anything bad to happen to her. However, I'm so tired. She wakes on average four times a night for a quick feed or a cuddle back to sleep, she is lovely but exhausting during the day. I used to love my sleep, I used to sleep a lot. Now I'm lucky if I have 3 hours unbroken sleep. Richard never wakes to help in the night, not his fault at all - I breastfeed, it is the burden I have chosen to take. Therefore he can't help with feeding, but sometimes she justs wakes and wants to be cuddled back to sleep, he could do that. But he works, he is also awful when he is tired so I let him sleep. That in itself makes me angry, I'm not cross at him, I'm jealous - I want to sleep. I just want a bit of time off. This motherhood thing is relentless.

A new dawn and a new adventure. We were off to Ironbridge as Richard had got the day off work. I was very embarrassed as we were packing the car, Cheryl (from next door) came up to tell me she heard me in the bathroom last night. Great, I told Richard how I felt, how I felt like I wanted to hurt her - she must think I'm a terrible mother too. So I just put a brave face on and told her it was a bad night, desperately hoping it was too muffled and she didn't hear. I would never hurt my baby, I love her. I'm just tired.

So we went off to Ironbridge and it rained a lot. Tilly was fascinated by my food. We had a nice day out.

I'm going to stop forcing routines on her, they are not doing either of us any good.