Valuable lessons learnt

Tilly's neediness continued today. Her desperation to be close to me has hit an all time high, it would be nice if it wasn't every minute of the day.  Within the first half an hour she'd managed to pull herself up onto various pieces of furniture and fall down bumping her head every time.  One bump was particularly bad on the hardwood floor.  After the third bump I put up the travel cot, to contain her and keep her safe.  She wasn't at all happy.  

The afternoon was spent trying to deal with her new mobile ways.  She is desperate to get to the television, each time I say 'no' firmly she looks at me and when I say it again she bursts into tears and comes crawling for a cuddle.   So for the final part of the afternoon I put her in 'prison' as Richard calls it, or a travel cot as it is more commonly known.  She certainly doesn't like it but at least it gives me peace of mind if I'm in the kitchen that she is not going to break a bone, crack her head open, eat something she shouldn't or get her fingers trapped in something.

Matilda is often better when we are out, so I went to the breastfeeding cafe. I haven't been to the Friday one in ages, when I arrived, I quickly remembered why.  Matilda played happily on the play mats and watched the other children arrive.  As always biscuits are provided, I gave Matilda one and she sat contently on the floor eating it and offering me a bit from time to time.  This was a new thing she learnt over Christmas, to give us something and then take it back. She took to her feet and stood up at the table, another little boy (only a month older than her) came over to see her, he was also desperately looking for more biscuits.  It was at this point that she learnt a tough lesson in life . . sometimes other people don't share.  She gave him her biscuit, which he promptly took and started to eat.  She looked on in horror and then burst into tears, he tried to feed it back to her but this made her howl even more.   She came for a cuddle and eventually calmed down.  

This afternoon I took her off to BabyStart, a sensory room run by SureStart.   I haven't been to BabyStart since she was 8 weeks old. It was such a horrible experience as she was screaming that I never dared go back.  Back then all the babies were much older so I thought I'd wait until she could enjoy it more.  Today the tables had turned there were lots of little babies and Matilda was the big one that could move.   It was nice to be out and she seemed to enjoy herself.   She certainly seemed fascinated by the babies and kept wanting to poke them in the face . . .yet more lessons followed . . . .

Mother and baby groups

All my life I have struggled with shyness. Sometimes I can almost pretend that I'm not me and I will appear an outgoing person confident enough to talk to anyone, but I've noticed that this tends to be when I am working. In a work capacity, I will approach strangers in the street, ask them to get involved with something or often make a fool out of myself. If only I could manage to do this when I wasn't at work, I'm sure my life would be quite different. I suppose over the last few years I've not had to deal with 'new person' shyness. When it happens I can feel myself revert to a child, hiding behind the safety of my mum's skirt. As soon as I am over it I'm fine. This shyness has all come flooding back over the last few months and never more apparent than attending mother and baby sessions.

There are many Breastfeeding Cafes held in and around Coventry. I've been going to two of them on and off since Matilda was 5 days old. I really don't know why I go. Before each one, I think it will do me good to get out and be with other adults, it will do Matilda good to be in the company of other people and get used to noises of other babies etc. But those thoughts evaporate as I walk through the door, looking at a circle of people and babies, already sitting in their 'cliques', all turning around to stare at the newcomer that walked through the door and my heart sinks deep into my shoes. I try to walk over as confidently as I can towards them. This hasn't always been the case but 80% of the times it has been like this. For 20% of visits I felt happy and recognised people I knew and got on with and we chatted and had a nice time. Shame that I can't always check if they'll be attending. This group is a drop in and it is in Tile Hill. I don't like Tile Hill.

Before I go I think of all the things I can talk about to the people I'd like to get to know a little more. When the time comes, my head disintegrates and I sit to one side and only if there is a spare seat will I dare to go and join in in the conversations some of the others are having. The difficulty is that Matilda is younger than their children so they are all talking about the stage that their daughters are at now. Also I think deep down I know that I would only ever get on with two of these people (at a push) outside this group. Why should I feel I have to make friends with someone just purely as we have children? Why . . because being a mum is so lonely, not only the long days stuck inside with only the four walls and a baby but you become a social bore to those without children. I've never thought that my life was that interesting anyway, but add a baby to the mix and I have no hope whatsoever. Richard returns from work telling me stories of office life each evening and although I don't really understand (and honestly, it doesn't sound too exciting either) I crave a little piece. Several times I've started to tell him stories of my day but stopped myself halfway as I know they are boring. I bore myself. Which underlines why my only option now is to make new friendships with other mums so we can all bore each other with tales of sick and poo. This is where my problem is, where can I find other mums like me? Mums who aren't too precious, mums who are honest. I've not found a single one so far. Motherhood is like a competition that everyone knows they are in, but don't admit it and they are all desperate to win. No one is brave enough to tell it like it is. Sometimes it is crap, really shitty (pardon the pun). Yes, I have a baby. Yes, she is the apple of my eye but she can also be a little devil and I'm tired. The two don't mix. But that is not what they'd let you believe, they have a wonderful time all the time. It is like they are in some 1950's movie or even worse a happy-clappy musical and I'm waiting for them to burst into song.

Mother & toddler groups, Breastfeeding Cafes or whatever they want to be known as are like lions dens. They are full of mums whose babies can sleep through the night, never cry and are just little angels 100% of the time. Now I don't want to put a downer on Matilda but she has proved that this is not the case. The occasions that I have been to the groups I have put my foot in it several times. I dared to mention that I was looking forward to going back to work, which resulted in me getting disgusted/pitying looks all round. It is not just the groups where I've received this reaction, someone was talking about a friend of ours and slagged off another mum as she 'returned to work', she said it with such scorn. Before I had time to interject, she had already launched into 'if you don't want to look after them yourself, best not have them' speech. After she'd quite finished I piped up, "I'm returning to work in a few weeks actually and I'm looking forward to it", she rapidly started backtracking and digging an enormous hole for herself (hard to do in a moving vehicle!). That aside, back to Mother and Baby groups.

They are supposed to be supportive places but they are nothing of the sort, all support is veiled with competition.

Imagine all of these questions with a finger to the chin in an inquisitive yet smug way.

1. Can your baby go to sleep by themselves or do they have to be rocked?
2. Are you breastfeeding? (that is a whole new debacle)
3. Can they sit up yet?
   
4. Have they got their first tooth?
   
5. How were they with their injections?
   
6. How are they sleeping?
   
7. Are you weaning them yet?
   
8. Are you putting them into nursery and when?
9. have they said their first words yet?
   

After listening to your answer, here are theirs:

1. "XX just drops off when they are taken to their room and have been like that since they were born." (except for one who scared the living daylights out of me by telling me I must get her to do it now, "DO IT NOW", or else I'll never get any sleep until she is 5.)
2. There are two camps here. Mother-bleedin'-earth (MbEs) who of course breastfeeds and took to it sooo naturally. She just flopped them out and baby latched on no problem. Never finds it a bore or sore. MbEs are in perfect harmony with their lactation, never leaking. I've noticed they usually have smaller breasts, the reason I mention this is that I can't get breastfeeding bras over a DD cup, which when I was an F before I was pregnant is pretty useless. MbEs will probably continue to breastfeed for as long as possible, they'll do it on demand and will no doubt have a small talking child running behind them asking for 'boobie'. Then there are Bottle Feeders this group is split. Half will have never even considered breastfeeding and will have wanted to bottle feed so the baby doesn't interfere with their life too much, they can let others babysit and they can continue to go clubbing (forgive this sweeping stereotype but I've met many and this was their reason). Then there are those who tried breastfeeding and either couldn't or didn't want to continue. Often this group is made to feel guilty that they aren't 'doing the best for their baby' as it is constantly shoved down their throats that 'breast is best'. Well maybe it is but don't beat them up about it. Some can't and are forced by horrid midwives down the bottle route, it nearly happened to me. It is this element of the hidden competition that MbEs win every time, and don't they sit there smugly knowing it? I feel sorry for those who couldn't - they are made to feel such a burden of guilt, by MbEs and even healthcare professionals.
3. of course they can, they are probably on the verge of walking.
4. yep probably have adult teeth coming through soon - XXX is soooo developed don't you know.
5. "didn't even whimper, XXX is sooooo brave."
6. (I hate this one) "XXX has been sleeping right through from 7pm, 7am since 6 weeks." Smug bastards.
   
7. Another one heaped in controversy, but with this it has been the mums v.s professionals in the two teams. Current guidance is exclusive milk feeds until 6 months. All I can say is god help you if you mention to Erica (the midwife) that you might be considering doing it sooner. I overheard her saying that she was going to report a foster mum to social services as she had started to wean a baby at 4 months.
   
8. Another competition, this one is also split. Points are scored for how long you have off, the longer you have the higher you score. Additional points can be scored for friends and family supporting you with the childcare when you do go back to work. Childminders v.s Nurseries. Nurseries seems to be the main option for those when they have to, but of course more point scoring for which one, what facilities it has etc etc.
   
9. oh yes, "XXX has been saying 'Mummy' since they were 6 weeks old."Well, I ask you. Babies can barely smile at that age without it being wind so I very much doubt it.
   

Wow. I didn't realise I was that bothered by it all. I was going to call this blog 'Socially inept' for that is what I am. Although I am not reconsidering, I think that given the circumstances I see why I find it so hard. I am still in shy mode and these groups require you to be brave and brazen, confident and full of shit. Perhaps I'll just stick with my four walls and my perfect baby (;-)) for the next few weeks and stay away.

Rock hard

That is what my breast are like at the moment.

I'm delighted that Tilly is taking a bottle, it's a breakthrough. I could continue to breastfeed her using my milk but a) expressing is a bit of a faff and b) I don't particularly want to return to work and have leaking bosoms during my meetings. So I've opted for a mixture of formula and breastmilk for Tilly. I'm going to breastfeed her in the morning and evening and the rest of the time she can have formula, good for both of us.

There is a lot of information about starting to breastfeed but then you get the hang of it and no further information is provided. What about stopping or reducing breastfeeding? I need some help. I would go to the breastfeeding cafe and ask Erica but quick frankly I know that it will do me no good. She'll say the right things and give me the answers but then make me so guilty about not continuing breastfeeding, 'did I know that employers must support mums with a room and a fridge for their milk?', 'breast is best', 'exclusive breastfeeding for 6 months' blah blah blah. I don't want to sit at work going off occasionally to 'pump' somewhere in the corner, I'd need a steriliser, it is not a dignified look, I don't want to store it in the fridge with everyone else's lunch or be bought a special 'Siobhan's breast milk fridge'. So I've been on the Internet to find out what to do - how to stop breastfeeding, or at least reduce it to two feeds a day.

One thing I must mention here is to quanitify the amount of milk I am producing. I've got to the point where I don't notice my breasts feeling full, this is because they've apparently regulated themselves for Tilly's needs. You can't see breastmilk go out, I have no idea how much Tilly has had per feed other than half a breast or a full breast. I was amazed reading the instructions on the formula milk how much she has been taking from me. For a baby of Tilly's age and weight she drinks 7 fl oz a feed, 5 times a day. That doesn't sound like much but when I made up the first bottle I was shocked, it is a large glass of milk. I'm producing a large glass of milk every 4 hours. Isn't the body amazing?

Anyway, t'internet says that once they are taking a bottle, I can reduce a feed at a time. My body will stop producing milk if it is not required and I will only produce when necessary - again, I'm already amazed. So I dropped one feed on Friday and then another yesterday and today I'm in agony! They don't tell you how long it takes. My body doesn't appear to be listening and is still producing milk for Tilly - can't it see the bottle?! I had a lacy bra on and my milk came literally gushing through the holes, I had to go and find the breast pads - I haven't used them in ages. This morning I got out of the shower and as I stood trying to get dressed, both breasts were dripping like a tap onto my toes, milk coming out so fast. Richard was sitting on the edge of the bed with Tilly with a mixture of amazement and disgust on his face.

They are sore. It feels like it did when my milk came in. It feels like someone has cut me and shoved two rocks under my skin, they are solid. I could injure myself with them. I am so amazed by the body and the changes that have occurred through this surreal journey of motherhood. I sat there touching the tops of them, fascinated by the hardness. I went over to Richard wanting him to share in my amazement.
"Feel them, they are so hard" I said
"No" he said, again disgusted.

I think it is only me who is amazed by the human body, . . my body that is doing strange and weird things.

Everything's fine - oh apart from . . . .

Another trip to the Tile Hill Breastfeeding Cafe, this time Katherine came with James. She seemed to have been walked there and back by Ed, perhaps this is due to having a Cesarean but she said she'd not been out much. Last week she phoned me I think to give me support as Richard must've told Ed I was struggling with breastfeeding. I wanted someone to sympathise with me, someone to say there are some wonderful times but that it isn't all easy. It seemed she was having a lovely time and all was hunky dory.

We were talking to the peer mentor at the cafe she asked how it was going and finally I can say OK, I think I'm almost there. She asked Katherine the same question, she replied and said it was going really well, and then as a casual aside "oh but I'm only feeding him from my right breast" - WHAT?? That is not fine, that is not hunky dory, you're obviously not doing OK so why make it seem like you are? I could have screamed - I've been down all week as I thought I was the only one struggling, I was honest with my troubles. I felt like a failure all last week. Perhaps she isn't bothered, perhaps she doesn't think it is anything to worry about. Perhaps I worry too much. One thing is for sure I wouldn't want that, surely you'd be all lopsided. The peer mentor seemed as shocked as I did and calmly told her to re-start feeding from the other breast. Perhaps I'm too honest and people don't like it but come on, I think I'd have mentioned that before. I want to find someone who is as honest and open as I am about this whole motherhood thing. I need someone to talk to.

Baby signing

Met Rita today, the Health Visitor, she is so lovely. I was really scared about her coming around and 'inspecting' but it wasn't like that at all. She was very supportive and gave me more leaflets about contraception (oh purlease!), cot death and breastfeeding. She didn't weigh Tilly today as she has just come back to work and has a bad knee so couldn't carry the scales. They'll come round and do it next week.

Later I went along to the Tile Hill breastfeeding cafe, I'm determined to get some help from someone when she is awake! It was my first journey out in the car. I'm so proud of myself that I'm not only up and about but can go further than just walking distance. I daren't take the car seat out yet though as I'm worried I won't get it back in safely so I transferred her from the seat to the pram and back in again. Kinda makes a mockery of the whole travel system with the seat clipping onto the pram base.

I walked into the room, the door was closed and as I opened it there were lots of people, unlike the Whoberley one. They were all sitting around in a group, they turned, stared and then carried on. Erica came up to me and walked me towards an empty chair. Tilly was asleep. They announced that they were about to start, baby signing. Wow, I want to do that anyway. I know she's a bit young but I can learn can't I? They didn't do anything other than chat at Whoberley, Tile Hill had activities. As I Tilly was asleep I just sat there and learnt the songs and signs. I had a chat to a peer mentor who told me that breastfeeding would get better soon. She had a little boy, not sure how old, maybe 8 months. She scared me a little about sleeping. She's told me I must start getting good sleep habits with Tilly now, no rocking, feeding or walking to sleep. There were horror stories that her little boy hasn't slept at all well and has to be held to sleep. I'm starting to get paranoid.

I'd asked Richard to mention to Ed and Katherine that I was going along to the session but she didn't turn up. I feel great for getting out and so proud I'm fully mobile now . . .where next?

Still sleeping?!

I'm still struggling with breastfeeding but I'm much better than I was. Mastitis is still there, I am having to hand express to relieve the pressure and hardness. I went along to the breastfeeding cafe again today to get help. Once again Tilly slept through the whole thing. When and how am I going to get help? Still, got me out of the house.

Breast feeding cafe

I'm struggling with breastfeeding. It is hard, I know she is not latching on properly. Sometimes she does it and I know it is right but it is not always right. My nipples are sore, so sore. My breasts ache, they are hard and I don't know if I'm ever going to get the hang of this. The more stressed I'm becoming with it the harder it is getting, my back is so tense as I contort my body in strange shapes to try and get it right. I continue to leaf through the breastfeeding booklet again, again and again in the vein hope that some new piece of information will leap out at me and shed some light on this seemingly easy process.

There is a breastfeeding cafe in Whoberley Youth Centre on Friday mornings. Richard is still off so I asked him to come with me and we ventured out, the aim was twofold a) to get help breastfeeding b) to find out where I can go when I'm left alone. I had a cup of tea and waddled around the corner to the centre, leaning on the pram. I'm still bleeding a lot and I hate the sensation. I haven't worn sanitary towels in such a long time and there is a good reason, they are horrid. A great big wedge of disposable material stuck in between my legs, sitting on top a pool of my blood. It is disgusting. Even if I wasn't waddling from the pain, swelling and stitches I'd be waddling from the sheer size of this enormous pad. I hate it.

We arrived in the centre and there were a few mums there with babies. They looked surprised when I said she was only 5 days old, by the looks on their faces I guess most mums take a while before coming to such things but I need help. My nipples are sore, I don't think I'm doing right, my breast hurt, my stitches hurt, I can't sit down without wincing, I waddle everywhere. But most importantly right now I need help with breastfeeding and as this is a breastfeeding cafe what better place to be? Well it would have been helpful if Tilly had woken up! We sat there and chatted, the midwife Erica seems lovely if a little manic, you know one of those ones who is a woman who has been taught the whole current legislation on this and that and reels it off. She gave me a tonne of leaflets and I'm slightly confused by the dates and venues of the things she has said I should go to. Reading the leaflets now, they don't seem to clear it up. I've been bombarded by sheets of word document graphics on photocopied scraps of paper.

I waddled back home. I feel better for going out, I'm glad I went, I'll probably go next week just as then I'll be alone and it will be good for me to keep active and social. The only thing is I haven't had any help with breastfeeding, they gave me lots of advice but I want someone to sit with me, see if I am doing it right and show me how to do it properly. One step forward but I feel like I'm on a travellator and it is going in the other direction so in fact I'm not moving.