Park life

My social inadequacy and loneliness was highlighted once again today. Yesterday we didn't venture out, no fresh air at all. When the rain stopped this morning I knew we had to get out, even if just for a short walk. With no money to fritter away, the shops were out of the question and I plumped for Allesley Park. There are swings there and I wondered if Tilly would be big enough to fit in them yet.

It has been a dismal morning with dark heavy clouds full of rain but it has perked up a little. It wasn't until I was in the park, entering the play area that I realised quite how much it had perked up, to 23 degrees. I was wearing a thick heavy fleece and Tilly was in a long sleeved vest, dress and thick tights - luckily I had removed her coat when I got her out of the car. We both looked terribly overdressed - everyone else was in their thinnest summer garb, short t-shirts and vests - we already looked conspicuous. The play park was full, full of mums who stared as I walked towards the swings. My mind was telling me to turn around and leave but that look conspicuous, I had to keep going. Seeing the mums made me think, it reinforced my loneliness as they sat there in their groups chatting in the sun, there were just like mobile mother and toddler groups; complete with stares, cliques and probably plenty of underlying competition for whose child is better behaved, walking, talking, dressed etc. I wandered over to the swings, I didn't want to put Tilly in it she was clearly too small but the was exit behind me I couldn't turn around and walk straight back. So I got Tilly out of the pram and awkwardly looked around, she was fascinated by the children running around and laughing. I found a board on a spring that wobbled and sat on it with her on my knee, she laughed and with that, sweat from the unexpected heat of the day running down my back I decided to move on. I'd had played on something so it wouldn't look that odd leaving so soon now would it? Probably. So I popped Tilly back in the pram and made a swift exit. I felt like a complete idiot. What mother walks into a play park gets their baby out for a few seconds to awkwardly sit on the springy thing (there was a reason why it wasn't being played on by any of the children, it was rubbish) and then leave. The same mother who has dressed both herself and her baby in winter attire while others around are practically sunbathing. That stupid mother is me. I walked off hoping that no one had noticed by little adventure, chastising myself under my breath for being both socially inadequate and shy, the awful shyness demonstrated by my embarrassing behaviour.

Relieved to get out of the play park, the fresh air filled my lungs and the combination of it and the heat I got very sleepy. I yawned my way around to the other side, passing several people along the way, all remarked on my sleepiness and all wittily suggested Tilly should be pushing me. Very funny . . . no hilarious. I gave a false smile back, I wasn't in the mood for stranger humour.

I stopped to feed Tilly on a bench in the shade and finally removed all of our excessive winter clothes. She was continually distracted and amazed by children on bikes, dogs and passers by.
As I sat winding her, I stroked the sole of her foot, totally unblemished and pure. It felt like a smooth polished pebble, the hardness of her bones protected by a lovely layer of baby fat.
I watched a man walking his dog lean down with a plastic bag to pick up his dog's poo. My recent encounters with Tilly's poo and the varying consistencies have both amazed, fascinated and repulsed me, but they are something only a mother (and father) can cope with. She is my baby, she is helpless, she needs me to clean it up and I am thankful that one day she will learn to do it by herself. A dog is not your own flesh and blood and will never learn to do it themselves - I'm glad we have a cat!

On the way back I was still pondering my failings and feeling sorry for myself then suddenly it all disappeared, on the side of the path was a hedgehog, a big one, totally still. I stopped the pram and excitedly like a child exclaimed at the top of my voice 'Look! A hedgehog!' (I'd have probably done this anyway, but thankfully it is less weird when you have a baby to talk to!). I watched intently as it slowly walked ahead of us, each time I moved the pram it stopped. I waited as it crossed the path in front of us. A man with a big dog approached, the dog had spotted it and started to pull at their lead and was barking like mad. I'd got Tilly out of the pram and she watched the big dog, I wasn't sure if she'd be able to see the hedgehog but as it moved it caught her eye and she watched as it hurried across the grass into the bushes. I wanted to tell everyone in the park what I'd seen so that they could see it too, seeing it had cheered me up a lot, I'm still such a big kid myself.

When I got back, Tilly took ages to get to sleep. She excitedly kicked about in her cot for nearly 30 minutes. Each time I tried to get her to sleep she grinned at me, a grin big enough for her dummy to drop out each time. I calmly said no, trying to close my eyes so she'd copy me and fall asleep. She grinned at me again followed by giggling, I tried so hard to keep a straight face and continue to be serious but after the third small giggle I could feel the corners of my mouth starting to twitch and then I laughed. It is going to be so hard when she is naughty to stay serious when I discipline her, if she smiles or giggles like that I know I'll crack.

Mother and baby groups

All my life I have struggled with shyness. Sometimes I can almost pretend that I'm not me and I will appear an outgoing person confident enough to talk to anyone, but I've noticed that this tends to be when I am working. In a work capacity, I will approach strangers in the street, ask them to get involved with something or often make a fool out of myself. If only I could manage to do this when I wasn't at work, I'm sure my life would be quite different. I suppose over the last few years I've not had to deal with 'new person' shyness. When it happens I can feel myself revert to a child, hiding behind the safety of my mum's skirt. As soon as I am over it I'm fine. This shyness has all come flooding back over the last few months and never more apparent than attending mother and baby sessions.

There are many Breastfeeding Cafes held in and around Coventry. I've been going to two of them on and off since Matilda was 5 days old. I really don't know why I go. Before each one, I think it will do me good to get out and be with other adults, it will do Matilda good to be in the company of other people and get used to noises of other babies etc. But those thoughts evaporate as I walk through the door, looking at a circle of people and babies, already sitting in their 'cliques', all turning around to stare at the newcomer that walked through the door and my heart sinks deep into my shoes. I try to walk over as confidently as I can towards them. This hasn't always been the case but 80% of the times it has been like this. For 20% of visits I felt happy and recognised people I knew and got on with and we chatted and had a nice time. Shame that I can't always check if they'll be attending. This group is a drop in and it is in Tile Hill. I don't like Tile Hill.

Before I go I think of all the things I can talk about to the people I'd like to get to know a little more. When the time comes, my head disintegrates and I sit to one side and only if there is a spare seat will I dare to go and join in in the conversations some of the others are having. The difficulty is that Matilda is younger than their children so they are all talking about the stage that their daughters are at now. Also I think deep down I know that I would only ever get on with two of these people (at a push) outside this group. Why should I feel I have to make friends with someone just purely as we have children? Why . . because being a mum is so lonely, not only the long days stuck inside with only the four walls and a baby but you become a social bore to those without children. I've never thought that my life was that interesting anyway, but add a baby to the mix and I have no hope whatsoever. Richard returns from work telling me stories of office life each evening and although I don't really understand (and honestly, it doesn't sound too exciting either) I crave a little piece. Several times I've started to tell him stories of my day but stopped myself halfway as I know they are boring. I bore myself. Which underlines why my only option now is to make new friendships with other mums so we can all bore each other with tales of sick and poo. This is where my problem is, where can I find other mums like me? Mums who aren't too precious, mums who are honest. I've not found a single one so far. Motherhood is like a competition that everyone knows they are in, but don't admit it and they are all desperate to win. No one is brave enough to tell it like it is. Sometimes it is crap, really shitty (pardon the pun). Yes, I have a baby. Yes, she is the apple of my eye but she can also be a little devil and I'm tired. The two don't mix. But that is not what they'd let you believe, they have a wonderful time all the time. It is like they are in some 1950's movie or even worse a happy-clappy musical and I'm waiting for them to burst into song.

Mother & toddler groups, Breastfeeding Cafes or whatever they want to be known as are like lions dens. They are full of mums whose babies can sleep through the night, never cry and are just little angels 100% of the time. Now I don't want to put a downer on Matilda but she has proved that this is not the case. The occasions that I have been to the groups I have put my foot in it several times. I dared to mention that I was looking forward to going back to work, which resulted in me getting disgusted/pitying looks all round. It is not just the groups where I've received this reaction, someone was talking about a friend of ours and slagged off another mum as she 'returned to work', she said it with such scorn. Before I had time to interject, she had already launched into 'if you don't want to look after them yourself, best not have them' speech. After she'd quite finished I piped up, "I'm returning to work in a few weeks actually and I'm looking forward to it", she rapidly started backtracking and digging an enormous hole for herself (hard to do in a moving vehicle!). That aside, back to Mother and Baby groups.

They are supposed to be supportive places but they are nothing of the sort, all support is veiled with competition.

Imagine all of these questions with a finger to the chin in an inquisitive yet smug way.

1. Can your baby go to sleep by themselves or do they have to be rocked?
2. Are you breastfeeding? (that is a whole new debacle)
3. Can they sit up yet?
   
4. Have they got their first tooth?
   
5. How were they with their injections?
   
6. How are they sleeping?
   
7. Are you weaning them yet?
   
8. Are you putting them into nursery and when?
9. have they said their first words yet?
   

After listening to your answer, here are theirs:

1. "XX just drops off when they are taken to their room and have been like that since they were born." (except for one who scared the living daylights out of me by telling me I must get her to do it now, "DO IT NOW", or else I'll never get any sleep until she is 5.)
2. There are two camps here. Mother-bleedin'-earth (MbEs) who of course breastfeeds and took to it sooo naturally. She just flopped them out and baby latched on no problem. Never finds it a bore or sore. MbEs are in perfect harmony with their lactation, never leaking. I've noticed they usually have smaller breasts, the reason I mention this is that I can't get breastfeeding bras over a DD cup, which when I was an F before I was pregnant is pretty useless. MbEs will probably continue to breastfeed for as long as possible, they'll do it on demand and will no doubt have a small talking child running behind them asking for 'boobie'. Then there are Bottle Feeders this group is split. Half will have never even considered breastfeeding and will have wanted to bottle feed so the baby doesn't interfere with their life too much, they can let others babysit and they can continue to go clubbing (forgive this sweeping stereotype but I've met many and this was their reason). Then there are those who tried breastfeeding and either couldn't or didn't want to continue. Often this group is made to feel guilty that they aren't 'doing the best for their baby' as it is constantly shoved down their throats that 'breast is best'. Well maybe it is but don't beat them up about it. Some can't and are forced by horrid midwives down the bottle route, it nearly happened to me. It is this element of the hidden competition that MbEs win every time, and don't they sit there smugly knowing it? I feel sorry for those who couldn't - they are made to feel such a burden of guilt, by MbEs and even healthcare professionals.
3. of course they can, they are probably on the verge of walking.
4. yep probably have adult teeth coming through soon - XXX is soooo developed don't you know.
5. "didn't even whimper, XXX is sooooo brave."
6. (I hate this one) "XXX has been sleeping right through from 7pm, 7am since 6 weeks." Smug bastards.
   
7. Another one heaped in controversy, but with this it has been the mums v.s professionals in the two teams. Current guidance is exclusive milk feeds until 6 months. All I can say is god help you if you mention to Erica (the midwife) that you might be considering doing it sooner. I overheard her saying that she was going to report a foster mum to social services as she had started to wean a baby at 4 months.
   
8. Another competition, this one is also split. Points are scored for how long you have off, the longer you have the higher you score. Additional points can be scored for friends and family supporting you with the childcare when you do go back to work. Childminders v.s Nurseries. Nurseries seems to be the main option for those when they have to, but of course more point scoring for which one, what facilities it has etc etc.
   
9. oh yes, "XXX has been saying 'Mummy' since they were 6 weeks old."Well, I ask you. Babies can barely smile at that age without it being wind so I very much doubt it.
   

Wow. I didn't realise I was that bothered by it all. I was going to call this blog 'Socially inept' for that is what I am. Although I am not reconsidering, I think that given the circumstances I see why I find it so hard. I am still in shy mode and these groups require you to be brave and brazen, confident and full of shit. Perhaps I'll just stick with my four walls and my perfect baby (;-)) for the next few weeks and stay away.