Rock hard

That is what my breast are like at the moment.

I'm delighted that Tilly is taking a bottle, it's a breakthrough. I could continue to breastfeed her using my milk but a) expressing is a bit of a faff and b) I don't particularly want to return to work and have leaking bosoms during my meetings. So I've opted for a mixture of formula and breastmilk for Tilly. I'm going to breastfeed her in the morning and evening and the rest of the time she can have formula, good for both of us.

There is a lot of information about starting to breastfeed but then you get the hang of it and no further information is provided. What about stopping or reducing breastfeeding? I need some help. I would go to the breastfeeding cafe and ask Erica but quick frankly I know that it will do me no good. She'll say the right things and give me the answers but then make me so guilty about not continuing breastfeeding, 'did I know that employers must support mums with a room and a fridge for their milk?', 'breast is best', 'exclusive breastfeeding for 6 months' blah blah blah. I don't want to sit at work going off occasionally to 'pump' somewhere in the corner, I'd need a steriliser, it is not a dignified look, I don't want to store it in the fridge with everyone else's lunch or be bought a special 'Siobhan's breast milk fridge'. So I've been on the Internet to find out what to do - how to stop breastfeeding, or at least reduce it to two feeds a day.

One thing I must mention here is to quanitify the amount of milk I am producing. I've got to the point where I don't notice my breasts feeling full, this is because they've apparently regulated themselves for Tilly's needs. You can't see breastmilk go out, I have no idea how much Tilly has had per feed other than half a breast or a full breast. I was amazed reading the instructions on the formula milk how much she has been taking from me. For a baby of Tilly's age and weight she drinks 7 fl oz a feed, 5 times a day. That doesn't sound like much but when I made up the first bottle I was shocked, it is a large glass of milk. I'm producing a large glass of milk every 4 hours. Isn't the body amazing?

Anyway, t'internet says that once they are taking a bottle, I can reduce a feed at a time. My body will stop producing milk if it is not required and I will only produce when necessary - again, I'm already amazed. So I dropped one feed on Friday and then another yesterday and today I'm in agony! They don't tell you how long it takes. My body doesn't appear to be listening and is still producing milk for Tilly - can't it see the bottle?! I had a lacy bra on and my milk came literally gushing through the holes, I had to go and find the breast pads - I haven't used them in ages. This morning I got out of the shower and as I stood trying to get dressed, both breasts were dripping like a tap onto my toes, milk coming out so fast. Richard was sitting on the edge of the bed with Tilly with a mixture of amazement and disgust on his face.

They are sore. It feels like it did when my milk came in. It feels like someone has cut me and shoved two rocks under my skin, they are solid. I could injure myself with them. I am so amazed by the body and the changes that have occurred through this surreal journey of motherhood. I sat there touching the tops of them, fascinated by the hardness. I went over to Richard wanting him to share in my amazement.
"Feel them, they are so hard" I said
"No" he said, again disgusted.

I think it is only me who is amazed by the human body, . . my body that is doing strange and weird things.

Tilly's first concert

When we heard that Richard Hawley was going to be playing a concert at the Garforth Arts Festival we knew we'd love to go. We got tickets and trundled up the motorway for Tilly's first concert.

The party in the playground started in the afternoon but Richard Hawley wasn't due to perform until around 10.00pm. So we stayed at Jane and Peter's doing Tilly's normal routine (and I even got to watch Doctor Who) before we ventured out at 7pm ish. As planned Tilly fell asleep on the way there and slept throughout all the other acts. She woke up in a dark playground with lots of strange noises and lights for her normal late night feed. When I got her out of the pram her face was so funny, completely surprised at where she was and almost miffed at all the interesting things she may have missed out on by being asleep. After checking out all the excitement, she settled down for a feed, all snuggled up in fleeces, blankets and puffa jackets. It was very difficult to breastfeed with all the layers. Tilly went back to sleep as Richard Hawley was finishing.



It was a lovely evening. It was not only great to see Tilly's face but wonderful for me to feel like I was getting a bit of excitement, being out at night and to a concert too!

Destraught and fed up

I've cried so much today, the tears and despair have turned into anger and frustration. I can't get the hang of this breastfeeding malarkey. It is supposed to be easy but I can't do it. The more desperate I get the worse it becomes. I'm getting so tense and frustrated with Tilly and my breasts that I'm just not getting anywhere. She always seems hungry and falls asleep at the breast all the time. They say that this is due to them not getting latched on properly and getting exhausted. But I seem to spend all my time feeding her, sitting in the same chair trying to do it. She seems hungry all the time. Why can't I do it? All my sisters have done it, Sarah until they've been walking and talking - why can't I get it? I'm in total despair, why can't I feed my baby? Why can't I be a real mother to her? I am failing her.

I can hear mum and Richard in the kitchen talking about bottles. I am not doing bottles. I am not giving up. However hard this gets I'm going to do it. Every so often they try to broach the subject, top ups. My body has been designed to provide for my baby and that is what I'm going to do. I can do it, I'm stubborn. I will do it. I don't want my baby to have bottles, I want to breastfeed. Although I'm in absolute agony and despair I'm going to do it. Do they think I can? Have they no faith in me? Why are they supporting me to give up when I need support to continue? This makes me feel more and more depressed. I have sat sobbing and getting angry all morning. Richard has been on the Internet and he has phoned support groups, helplines and more all trying to help me, but it is a Sunday. They've mentioned going back to hospital to get help but that bloody midwife was pushing me towards bottles and that is the last thing I want, some professional recommending them. I want people who are pro breastfeeding, I want someone to help me do it, someone to show me. Everyone I speak to gives me the same bloody advice, have you tried feeding her lying down/under the arm/across the body/nose to nipple, mouth open wide/tried keeping her cool when feeding? Of course I have! I've read every bloody suggestion and tried it a dozen times, nothing seems to work. Is it just my body? Is it Tilly?

Richard eventually phoned La Leche league - a pro breastfeeding group. The woman on the other end once again started reeling off the list of 'have you tried?' I couldn't cope with answering again, I broke down into floods of tears and handed the phone to Richard. If there is the same advice from everyone and I've tried it all, I'm obviously not going to 'get it'. The next thing I know I could hear Richard thanking her profusely and giving her our address. She was coming over as soon as she'd finished dinner - wow, it was a Sunday. I started to feel a little better, after all this is what I'd been craving, someone to sit with me and show me what to do, tell me where I was going wrong and give me the magic cure.

This tall drippy woman arrived at the door with a plastic doll shoved under her arm. The first thing I noticed is that she hardly had any breasts at all, merely tiny bumps, she certainly didn't need a bra and if she did she'd barely fill a double AA cup. I don't suffer fools gladly and I can't take soppy people. She sat on the floor looking up at me with pitying, simpering eyes as I sobbed with frustration. Once again Tilly was asleep so I couldn't show her how I was doing it to start with. She started to, once again go through 'have you tried?' questions, demonstrating on her doll. Aghhh. I've done everything I just can't get it right. I wanted her to leave. I wanted to punch her, for being wet, for being a mother who could, for being a mother who could even without big breasts. I became despondent. Thanks for coming out and all but it's not helped. I feel the same, if not worse than I did this morning.