Tilly the Photo TOGs

We bought Tilly a camera for Christmas, she is now the proud owner of her own Tumblr page with her photos on.  She is quite good. Richard is very proud indeed. 


Tilly's Photo blog

Tilly at the beach

while mummy is away . . .daddy lets me eat cake

Impro Jazz

Tilly likes the new piano

Back to work

Yesterday was awful. I prepared myself so much I was ready far too early and had to sit and wait until I could start the journey to nursery. When I walked into the nursery there were only a few children there, Sue approached me and took Tilly from my arms, she started to look at me with a concerned face as I walked towards the door. Sue had to let me out and as I walked away my lasting memory for the day was Tilly's sad face, bottom lip quivering as the gate shut me out on the other side. I could hear her cry as I walked back to the car and with that my own tears started dripping down my face. My tears lasted most of the journey, I'd finally pulled myself together and Richard phoned and with that I broke down again.

All I can say is thank goodness I have a job I love. It has made it so much easier. I felt at home as soon as I walked through the door, a bounce in my step. I was keen to prove that I wasn't just going to waste my time so although I wanted to, I've kept catching up chat to a minimum. I phoned twice and she wasn't feeding and was always sleeping when I called.

Richard joined me to pick her up and to meet the staff again. We walked in and she was crying in her bouncer. I think the staff had had a rough time with her, but I wasn't convinced about them at all and seriously started to consider other nurseries once again. But today was a far better day, Mandy was there again. The departure was once again hard as she cried as I left but she'd been kept healthy yesterday so I managed to keep it together as I left for work, besides I had tonnes to do at work so my mind had already started to wander. I phoned after lunch and I could tell from Julie's voice she was having a better day. When I picked her up she was sitting up in an old fashioned Silver Cross pram playing with toys and laughing at the other children, it was so lovely. She seems far from distraught by the experience, she seems really happy and it makes our time together in the evening so much more special.

This picture is a scan from Matilda's book. I knew that they'd keep a record but I didn't expect this! How strange.

I feel like a whole person again. Work is hard, the project is difficult but even more so trying to juggle with Matilda and working part time, but overall for the last two days I've felt a huge sense of wellbeing. I am me again, the me I was before, confident working me, creative me. And the best bit is that I can balance that with the new mummy-me at night. It is going to be tough but for the first time in ages I feel like a whole person again. All parts of my life are complete, I feel that the balance has been restored again.

"Mop and bucket, Sharon. Tears in aisle six!"

Today wasn't as bad as yesterday. I went armed with a toilet roll for the tears and slowly walked with Tilly into the nursery. There was a different nursery nurse there, Mandy, I've met her before and she seems lovely. I popped her down on the floor, we propped some cushions behind her in case she fell backwards and then I could feel the tears start to form in my eyes as Tilly's bottom lip started to protrude. I quickly told them where her bottle was and what time she was due to take it as I rushed out, desperate to get out as quick and possible so I didn't hear her cry. As I walked through the large gates at the front, the tears started. I couldn't go home, so I drove, sobbing all the way to Tescos - I couldn't cry in public. I'd just about composed myself by the time I got there, it was only for an hour. I did some shopping, acutely aware that I had something, or someone missing. I phoned Richard and then I popped over to meet him for a coffee at his work. It was great to see him, we sat and mulled over what she'd be doing. Then it was time to return already, I whizzed over to the nursery, I couldn't wait to see her.
As I arrived, the door to the baby room opened and Tilly was in the same place I'd left her, a tear sat on the top of her cheek but she wasn't crying. I got down on the floor to speak to her, she glanced at me with a vacant stare and looked away. Mandy was updating me on what she'd done and how she'd been and just then she lurched forward and fell flat on her face on the floor! Poor thing, some huge cries started and I picked her up and hugged her better, she was screaming and I really felt for Mandy who looked horrified that the incident had happened in front of me. It was a mistake and there was no harm done, she'll no doubt have many knocks and bumps as she learns to sit, crawl, stand and walk. I sat with her and finished the rest of her bottle feed while I talked to Mandy. Sadly she is not going to be there next Tuesday when Tilly starts as her daughter starts secondary school - so it seems these moments never stop being a mum. Emotional milestones it seems will keep a coming! It was better today, it is going to be hard next week but I'm sure we'll settle in soon enough.

There'll be tears before lunchtime tomorrow

Every moment spent with Tilly is precious but never has it been more apparent than today. Her first settling in session at nursery. I was allowed to spend the hour with her so she got used to the space and surroundings. In that hour I could feel tears forming when they asked me when she started, I could hear my voice cracking as I answered and I looked to the floor to hide my tear stained face. Note to self - don't wear mascara tomorrow or next Tuesday.

I thought that today would be easier than it was, I wasn't leaving her just going to visit a new space with her to get her used to it. I hadn't realised how nervous I was until I had to make several trips to the loo before I left, something that usually demonstrates my fear before big events like job interviews.

Matilda seemed unconcerned about the new environment and sat down happily chewing at the toy car she'd found on the floor. I sat awkwardly on the floor behind her in case she fell backwards. There were two other babies and one toddler in the room with two nursery nurses. After a few minutes and some polite chat they asked if I was staying, of course I was staying, it had been agreed but I don't think they had been told. They didn't interact much with Matilda and she sat staring and chewing on the new toy she'd found on the floor. It was about 10 minutes in, after they questioned when she was starting properly that I the realisation of what was happening suddenly sank in - I'm leaving my baby, I'm going to leave her with strangers in a strange place. I'm not going to be with her 24/7, I'm going to miss her, her smiles, her babbling, her squeals, even her cries and her poo! I could feel my heart pound with fear. She is my precious daughter, my tiny daughter. I've never quite felt this way before, my heart is completely full of love for the little creature, she is the most precious little thing, my prize possession. I completely understand why people kill for those they love. I never want her to hurt or be hurt, I want her to have a wonderful charmed life. I'm sure these people are very good at their jobs, they seem good with the children but they are going to be responsible for my baby, my wonderful baby girl for 3 days a week and I'm scared. I don't want to leave her. I want to be like the lady in the Brittas Empire and take her to work with me and put her in the drawer by my desk (humm I wonder if David would mind?). I love her so much and I want to know what she is doing, to see every smile, hear every giggle, experience every new moment with her but I know that as of next week that will not be possible. My little girl is growing up, this is her first step to become and more independent and sociable little person.

The hour was up. I left the nursery holding her so tightly, I don't want to let her go, I don't want to leave her - ever. As I walked out of the door, I held her in a tight grip and kissed her head, she tried to pull away from me in that kind of 'get off me mum' moment - oh no, it was starting already. As I strapped her in the car seat, the tears started again - not hers but mine. My eyes welled up with tears and as I got in the front seat and drove away they slowly dripped down my face, over my mouth, I could taste their salty wetness and then as they flowed they fell onto my lap. The road became bleary through the tears and I wiped them away not just to see the road but to see the wonderful sight in my rear view mirror, I could see my little girl in the back seat. I was crying and I haven't even left her, how ridiculous.

I got home and cuddled her some more, she looked at me quizzically - there I was with mascara stains down my face, smiling through the tears. Once I'd pulled myself together I phoned Richard, as soon as I heard his voice I broke down once again. The nursery wasn't good enough for my daughter, I was having second thoughts etc etc. Of course nowhere will be good enough and I was having a wobble with this scary moment. If I am like this today, what on earth and I going to be like tomorrow??!

I finished feeding Tilly and put her upstairs to bed. As she was about to go down to sleep she vomited all over me but I didn't mind, I love everything about her. Just then I could hear a key in the door and Richard had come home to give me a hug as he said it sounded as if I needed it. Yes I did, I needed a big hug and a cry. After lunch he went back to work and once Tilly was awake I took her out shopping, we needed a bit of retail therapy to help us (or me) feel a little better. It worked momentarily, I was happy but now I'm petrified again.

Tilly tripych

I filmed Tilly bouncing today with the webcam. Mainly to capture her babbling. When I was playing with the captured footage in Movie Maker I played with the effects. The results, to me at least are hilarious.

Tilly bouncing - original


Tilly fast


Tilly slow

The Adventues of Tilly Poo Pants

Boredom has started to set in. I found the video camera, but while filming her gurgling I saw some potential props in the distance and a film shortly followed.

The film premiered on YouTube (on Tilly's own channel).



I'd not had as much fun in ages or laughed as much as I did making it or editing it. I've obviously not changed much, someone who I knew at college contacted me and reminded me that I'd se up a spoof bar backstage during the production of Richard III to entertain crew and actors. The bar prices were things like 'packet of peanuts' - a horse. and tango - your kingdom.

When I sent it out to everyone in the family to see. Paul quickly responded with "brilliant", especially when watching in a quiet open plan office with the sound full volume. I can see his red face from here!

Dee Dee said:
"I'm still laughing! I like the floating Tilly in many colours coming in from the left and right."