10 years ago today

gosh, I met Richard 10 years ago today, which means I've spent a third of my life with him . .

Who'd have thought it that 10 years ago when we went to see a band called 'The Dizzy Club' in Sheffield that we'd be here in Coventry 10 years later, married and with a near one year old. 

To blog or not to blog . . .

That is the question. . . .that I am constantly pestered about from Richard!

Richard seemed unconcerned that I had a blog, at first he couldn't understand why I was writing one. I want to write it for me, to remind me of the highs and lows, remind me how I felt and when milestones happened for me and Tilly. But recently curiosity got the better of him and he read a blog or two (sadly one of the rare bad 'uns!). Since then I have noticed that his behaviour has changed, he panics if he is not coping while changing a dirty nappy, squealing "please don't blog me, please don't blog this!" and when he has done something good he reminds me that he's been good and suggests it makes it into the blog. So just who am I writing it for now? For Tilly? A place for her to see that her daddy was a good daddy and did lovely things too.

I find this fretting about being blogged quite funny, it doesn't even cross my mind until he mentions it! He can't cope with the nappies very well that cannot be disputed but he means well and his absurd flapping usually makes me smile.
There have been many positive things to blog about but without being reminded I wouldn't have considered it 'blog worthy', this isn't to say that they aren't appreciated. So thanks and praise must go to Richard for being a wonderful husband and father to Tilly*. He has even recently got very handy and even done DIY and gardening, removing 4 tonnes of shale from the back garden so we can have grass for Tilly.

Tomorrow is back to work for me after 6 months off. Both Tilly and I have our bags packed, clothes laid out and I'm ready. I hope she is OK tomorrow. I am excited about going back. I just hope that Tilly is fine at nursery and we don't take 10 steps back with our new found friendship because of it.

* I've written this one armed, with my other arm behind my back ;-)

"Mop and bucket, Sharon. Tears in aisle six!"

Today wasn't as bad as yesterday. I went armed with a toilet roll for the tears and slowly walked with Tilly into the nursery. There was a different nursery nurse there, Mandy, I've met her before and she seems lovely. I popped her down on the floor, we propped some cushions behind her in case she fell backwards and then I could feel the tears start to form in my eyes as Tilly's bottom lip started to protrude. I quickly told them where her bottle was and what time she was due to take it as I rushed out, desperate to get out as quick and possible so I didn't hear her cry. As I walked through the large gates at the front, the tears started. I couldn't go home, so I drove, sobbing all the way to Tescos - I couldn't cry in public. I'd just about composed myself by the time I got there, it was only for an hour. I did some shopping, acutely aware that I had something, or someone missing. I phoned Richard and then I popped over to meet him for a coffee at his work. It was great to see him, we sat and mulled over what she'd be doing. Then it was time to return already, I whizzed over to the nursery, I couldn't wait to see her.
As I arrived, the door to the baby room opened and Tilly was in the same place I'd left her, a tear sat on the top of her cheek but she wasn't crying. I got down on the floor to speak to her, she glanced at me with a vacant stare and looked away. Mandy was updating me on what she'd done and how she'd been and just then she lurched forward and fell flat on her face on the floor! Poor thing, some huge cries started and I picked her up and hugged her better, she was screaming and I really felt for Mandy who looked horrified that the incident had happened in front of me. It was a mistake and there was no harm done, she'll no doubt have many knocks and bumps as she learns to sit, crawl, stand and walk. I sat with her and finished the rest of her bottle feed while I talked to Mandy. Sadly she is not going to be there next Tuesday when Tilly starts as her daughter starts secondary school - so it seems these moments never stop being a mum. Emotional milestones it seems will keep a coming! It was better today, it is going to be hard next week but I'm sure we'll settle in soon enough.

There'll be tears before lunchtime tomorrow

Every moment spent with Tilly is precious but never has it been more apparent than today. Her first settling in session at nursery. I was allowed to spend the hour with her so she got used to the space and surroundings. In that hour I could feel tears forming when they asked me when she started, I could hear my voice cracking as I answered and I looked to the floor to hide my tear stained face. Note to self - don't wear mascara tomorrow or next Tuesday.

I thought that today would be easier than it was, I wasn't leaving her just going to visit a new space with her to get her used to it. I hadn't realised how nervous I was until I had to make several trips to the loo before I left, something that usually demonstrates my fear before big events like job interviews.

Matilda seemed unconcerned about the new environment and sat down happily chewing at the toy car she'd found on the floor. I sat awkwardly on the floor behind her in case she fell backwards. There were two other babies and one toddler in the room with two nursery nurses. After a few minutes and some polite chat they asked if I was staying, of course I was staying, it had been agreed but I don't think they had been told. They didn't interact much with Matilda and she sat staring and chewing on the new toy she'd found on the floor. It was about 10 minutes in, after they questioned when she was starting properly that I the realisation of what was happening suddenly sank in - I'm leaving my baby, I'm going to leave her with strangers in a strange place. I'm not going to be with her 24/7, I'm going to miss her, her smiles, her babbling, her squeals, even her cries and her poo! I could feel my heart pound with fear. She is my precious daughter, my tiny daughter. I've never quite felt this way before, my heart is completely full of love for the little creature, she is the most precious little thing, my prize possession. I completely understand why people kill for those they love. I never want her to hurt or be hurt, I want her to have a wonderful charmed life. I'm sure these people are very good at their jobs, they seem good with the children but they are going to be responsible for my baby, my wonderful baby girl for 3 days a week and I'm scared. I don't want to leave her. I want to be like the lady in the Brittas Empire and take her to work with me and put her in the drawer by my desk (humm I wonder if David would mind?). I love her so much and I want to know what she is doing, to see every smile, hear every giggle, experience every new moment with her but I know that as of next week that will not be possible. My little girl is growing up, this is her first step to become and more independent and sociable little person.

The hour was up. I left the nursery holding her so tightly, I don't want to let her go, I don't want to leave her - ever. As I walked out of the door, I held her in a tight grip and kissed her head, she tried to pull away from me in that kind of 'get off me mum' moment - oh no, it was starting already. As I strapped her in the car seat, the tears started again - not hers but mine. My eyes welled up with tears and as I got in the front seat and drove away they slowly dripped down my face, over my mouth, I could taste their salty wetness and then as they flowed they fell onto my lap. The road became bleary through the tears and I wiped them away not just to see the road but to see the wonderful sight in my rear view mirror, I could see my little girl in the back seat. I was crying and I haven't even left her, how ridiculous.

I got home and cuddled her some more, she looked at me quizzically - there I was with mascara stains down my face, smiling through the tears. Once I'd pulled myself together I phoned Richard, as soon as I heard his voice I broke down once again. The nursery wasn't good enough for my daughter, I was having second thoughts etc etc. Of course nowhere will be good enough and I was having a wobble with this scary moment. If I am like this today, what on earth and I going to be like tomorrow??!

I finished feeding Tilly and put her upstairs to bed. As she was about to go down to sleep she vomited all over me but I didn't mind, I love everything about her. Just then I could hear a key in the door and Richard had come home to give me a hug as he said it sounded as if I needed it. Yes I did, I needed a big hug and a cry. After lunch he went back to work and once Tilly was awake I took her out shopping, we needed a bit of retail therapy to help us (or me) feel a little better. It worked momentarily, I was happy but now I'm petrified again.

Don't make me laugh I'm trying to hold my breath!

Tilly has received a wonderful and very apt gift from Karen and Mike - Poop happens and it does, a lot! Richard experienced real poo again, coped quite well to start with but with wriggly legs and the smell, I could hear his cries for help getting more frantic. These situations are best dealt with quickly and by holding your breath, so I got to work to get rid as fast as possible. Meanwhile Richard stood almost gagging, his repulsion clear by his coughing and body language followed by retching. I started to laugh and with each breath took in more of the toxic smell. I kept trying to tell Richard to stop but we were both giggling by that point, one of those moments where you really don't want to laugh as I could feel the smell erode my lungs on the way down. Disaster averted. Richard says he is going to have to get a gas mask to do anymore, can you imagine how much he'll scare the poor girl with a mask on?! I hadn't realised that I held my breath through each nappy change until he made me laugh and I breathed the toxic air. In a way I'm quite proud of Matilda, she is helping me get him back for every time he has filled the air with his own toxic farts! Bless him.

Jane and Peter dropped in this weekend on their way back from France. I'd forgotten that Jane doesn't like me talking about Tilly's bogies. It wasn't until I was trying to get a huge one out of her left nostril in front of her that I remembered. She looked horrified, once it was out I said I was going to add it to her 'Bogie album' she looked at me, not quite sure if I was joking or not! What fun!

Family adventures

After the initial shock of getting changed, she loved every minute of it. We stayed in the pool for quite some time splashing around. It was great going as a family and I'm really glad that we did the first time together. Quite often I try new things when Richard is at work so he often hears about how she reacted, it was lovely to share the moment together.

The video is also one of Richard's proudest moments as he excitedly put it together. I spent last summer teaching 7 year olds how to use the movie making software, desperately trying to stop them from going too fast and pressing all the buttons at once - let's just say Richard was like one of them but worse, at least they slowed down a little to listen - he was far too excited!

(I wore the swimming costume anyway, who cares!)

Magic moments

Richard was emptying the nappy bin from upstairs to the outside bin and I could hear him muttering whilst running down the stairs "poo bag is ripping. The poo bag is rip-ping".

He's also found a great new game with Tilly. Her eyes are continuiously darting around taking in everything, they quickly go from object to object. Richard commentates by saying one word of what she is looking at. It is so funny, mainly due to the speed of her looking at each thing. Daddy, book, Daddy, bed, book, Daddybook . . .Daddybed, Daddy . . . bedbook, bed, wall, Mummy, Daddybookbed. I could hardly breathe for laughing the first time he did it.