Coventry Market the Musical!

Wow - what a night! I did it. I've managed to successfully pull off being a mum and delivering my work, there have been a few close calls. Mainly with Tilly being poorly last week and Jane and Peter having to travel down to look after her. It makes me realise how vulnerable we are without a family/friends support network to help out in times of need.

Anyway, against a raging cold up in my head that makes me feel nauseous and dizzy every time I look down, tonight Coventry Market the Musical premiered in Coventry City Centre. I'm so pleased with how it went, I couldn't have imagined it any better. The market traders had taken the day's events with such aplomb, they had all dressed up in their best 1958 garb, making cakes and generally having fun with the theme. The day was manic but brilliant. I've been backwards and forwards between the office and the market, made an appearance on the lunchtime Midlands Today and finally a surreal moment where I stage managed and cued the show on cans. It took me back to the old days so much.  




The red carpet was laid and the stars and traders came all dressed up. The stage and the screen looked incredible, nothing like I've ever seen in the Lower Precinct before. Once it went dark, it looked amazing, all bright lights and glam. The stage show, live radio OB and TV link up went all according to plan. We timed everything down to the second, surprisingly we kept to plan and made every deadline and pinch point. The atmosphere was lovely, a real sense of community and happiness, approx 600 people there. A huge sense of relief and a bit of sadness came over me when we finished. I had managed to get back to normal 'work me' and had the best time doing this project, now it is all over. On to the next one . . . !

Tilly and Richard also came to the event, even though it clashed with her bedtime. I was so pleased they were there. Richard said he was proud of me when it finished and that meant more to me than any other praise I've had. I was so pleased he could see the reason why I've spent so much time apart.



Watch the finished video here:

Poorly Tilly

I've been waiting for months to go on a spa day with Heather.  A present we were both bought from work when we left on maternity leave.  Finally the day had arrived, Richard, Brad and the babies were going to go into Stratford while we enjoyed ourselves and had a good girly chatter. 

I left the spa relaxed but it immediately disappeared when Richard was looking very worried and stressed and disappeared with a screaming Tilly to the car.  She was burning up, she'd slept all afternoon and was miserable, not like her at all.  When we got home she was very hot, she was very needy and very unhappy.  She didn't want any food, milk or anything.  We gave her Calpol and tried to put her to bed. She was awake with a bad cough every 20 minutes so I eventually sat cuddling her on the sofa.  The fever stayed all night, she continued to cry every 20 minutes all night.  We booked her in at the doctors the next day.  

This week was a busy week, the final week before the premiere of Coventry Market the Musical!, not a great time to be off.  So Richard and I took it in turns to do half a day each.  

The doctor took one look at her throat and prescribed us some antibiotics. Tilly was very drowsy and cuddly, she just wanted to be held and comforted.  I got home and gave her the antibiotics and Calpol and she went to sleep.  Later that night I gave her the second of the antibiotic doses.  As soon as she'd swallowed it I'd suddenly realised that I'd got mixed up, the doctor told me to give her 5ml of Calpol.  I looked at the antibiotic bottle and it said 2.5ml, my heart sank as I realised I'd given her an overdose, I'd given her 5ml twice.   Richard phoned NHS direct and eventually they said it would be OK as long as we keep an eye on her.  I felt terrible and so guilty.  What a cock up. 

Tilly has remained snotty, vulnerable and poorly most of the week. She has only started to be normal perky Tilly again since yesterday, though still full of snot.   

It has been a total struggle to juggle work (the busiest time), poorly Tilly and Richard's work commitments too.  I feel also like I've let Richard down again, David asked me to stay for an important meeting at 1pm.  I was supposed to be back by 1pm, I texted Richard and he agreed to stay. The meeting went on longer than it should have and I let him down badly.  Once again I have a lot of making up to do when we are all better.  I think we all need a break and some quality time together. 

I usually love my job

but today I've had the worst day I've had in years. 

Coventry Market the Musical! is my latest project, another big scale whole station community project.  It has been a struggle and a very steep learning curve so far, I've never done TV or film before so I feel like a fraud as I talk confidently about Track and Dolly, DSR450s, adrenalin edits and the like, not really knowing what they all mean.   I'm getting there though. 

Yesterday I had to make a brief visit to the Herbert's recording studios, lay down a track, whizz down to the East End of London to finish the mix down.  Again, I may sound like I know what I'm doing but I'm merely orchestrating others to get the job done.  Yesterday was full of stress and fun, I got back late at night and had to email the finished track through to my Editor.  I was exhausted and I'd hardly seen Tilly at all.   

Today, was an all day shoot, a 12 hour shoot.  It was an optimistic timetable with lots of scenes, participants (all of whom have never done this before), a student film crew (who had only just been taught how to use the kit), a cameraman I'd never met before and did not know the market, expensive kit that needed to be kept an eye on, lots of anxious market traders worried that we'd cause too much disruption and affect their trade and to top it all off,  three show OBs!   

It didn't start well when Benjamin (the director) texted to say he was stuck in traffic and from then on my day got progressively worse.  I had to deal with the lot, be the one responsible and keep my head.  I think I may have coped better if I hadn't had two six day weeks at work for the two weeks before and nearly 8 months of disturbed sleep, and not been to London the day before. But that was what had happened.   The film crew were fantastic in the end, they went on through breaks, they didn't want to stop.  The exhausting timetable was too optimistic and by 5pm we were an hour and a half behind schedule (even without any breaks) and 100 chorus members were charging through the doors waiting for 'their moment'.  The market wasn't open to the public at this point and we had to keep them all entertained and contained.  We had to rehearse them for the final scenes which was so hard as we only knew roughly what was supposed to happen and Benjamin could turn up and change it all.  Finally the film crew did get a 15 minute break.  Sadly I couldn't join them there were choir members all chomping at the bit and I had to make sure that they didn't feel cheated in their experience in this project. 

rh aside I had almost had enough.  I knew it was starting to show.  I wanted so many times to walk away, instead I carried on dealing with problems, this time with security men threatening to close the car park with everyone's cars in.   

I chatted to a member of the choir who is 8 months pregnant, she'd also brought her daughter with her.  As I stood and chatted watching her daughter, I realised how much I missed and felt so guilty about the time I wasn't spending with Richard and Tilly due to this project. I could feel myself getting emotional. 

The shoot was supposed to close at 9pm.  We finished the shoot at 9.20pm.   After escorting the last choir member out, packing up the kit and tidying up I had well and truly had enough.  

We'd finished. I felt like I was finished too.  I packed up the kit into the car and said my goodbyes to the film crew.  I walked to my car and I could feel the tears form in my eyes, as soon as I got into the car they flowed and then turned into hollering all the way home.  I am exhausted.  As soon as I walked into the house I broke down.   I'm sacrificing a lot for this project.  My health, my mind, and more importantly my daughter and my husband.  Richard has been a total star throughout, he'd practically been a single dad with the evening rehearsals, weekend recording and filming days.  I have a lot of making up to do once this is all over. 

Back to work

Yesterday was awful. I prepared myself so much I was ready far too early and had to sit and wait until I could start the journey to nursery. When I walked into the nursery there were only a few children there, Sue approached me and took Tilly from my arms, she started to look at me with a concerned face as I walked towards the door. Sue had to let me out and as I walked away my lasting memory for the day was Tilly's sad face, bottom lip quivering as the gate shut me out on the other side. I could hear her cry as I walked back to the car and with that my own tears started dripping down my face. My tears lasted most of the journey, I'd finally pulled myself together and Richard phoned and with that I broke down again.

All I can say is thank goodness I have a job I love. It has made it so much easier. I felt at home as soon as I walked through the door, a bounce in my step. I was keen to prove that I wasn't just going to waste my time so although I wanted to, I've kept catching up chat to a minimum. I phoned twice and she wasn't feeding and was always sleeping when I called.

Richard joined me to pick her up and to meet the staff again. We walked in and she was crying in her bouncer. I think the staff had had a rough time with her, but I wasn't convinced about them at all and seriously started to consider other nurseries once again. But today was a far better day, Mandy was there again. The departure was once again hard as she cried as I left but she'd been kept healthy yesterday so I managed to keep it together as I left for work, besides I had tonnes to do at work so my mind had already started to wander. I phoned after lunch and I could tell from Julie's voice she was having a better day. When I picked her up she was sitting up in an old fashioned Silver Cross pram playing with toys and laughing at the other children, it was so lovely. She seems far from distraught by the experience, she seems really happy and it makes our time together in the evening so much more special.

This picture is a scan from Matilda's book. I knew that they'd keep a record but I didn't expect this! How strange.

I feel like a whole person again. Work is hard, the project is difficult but even more so trying to juggle with Matilda and working part time, but overall for the last two days I've felt a huge sense of wellbeing. I am me again, the me I was before, confident working me, creative me. And the best bit is that I can balance that with the new mummy-me at night. It is going to be tough but for the first time in ages I feel like a whole person again. All parts of my life are complete, I feel that the balance has been restored again.

Working girl

I've had a very exciting day. I went to work. It was part of my keeping-in-touch days during my maternity leave and an opportunity for me to feel connected before my return in 3 weeks.

Richard had to work today too, he was working in the morning and was under very strict instructions not to be late for the handover of Matilda for me to get into town for my meeting. I didn't want to be late, it would give a bad impression. We both woke quite differently, me with excitement at the prospect of going to work, Richard exhausted and disgruntled at working on a Saturday.

I spent the morning getting ready. Mum Skyped me and said I was looking happy, of course I was - I was going to be the old me this afternoon, the me who is confident, creative and organised. A me that is not covered in sick.
When I got my staff pass out of the drawer and put it in my bag it felt like I was no longer alone, I belonged again - where I was going I needed a pass! I got my nicest shirt out of the wardrobe in an effort to show that I was not a crazy mummy brained, slack and scruffy mum. I needed to show David that I am still the me that I was. I'd done some preparation, reviewing the timetable and writing up all the questions that I wanted to ask. Checking what progress had been made on each of the things I'd left outstanding.

Richard wasn't late and I excitedly fussed around the house, checking he knew what to do at what time, when to feed, when to get her to sleep, when to get her to wake up. This wasn't just me being an overprotective mother, Richard has never looked after her alone for this long before and I'd never been this far away from her before. I was confident he could do it and actually I needed him to do it. He is good with her but he doesn't think he is, he needs to look after her so his confidence grows. Today I threw him in at the deep end. After writing down the timetable of her usual day I got my coat and started to leave. I was full of excitement, slightly anxious for Richard and Tilly and also had a little tinge as Tilly bounced happily away, unaware of my departure. I kissed her on the forehead and she looked up and smiled. I almost skipped out of the front door to the car. Driving to work I felt so grown-up, just like the feeling I felt after I first passed my driving test. Independence: I was on my own, I was going to work and I'm a mummy - I am grown up!

I got into work, my pass still worked. I bleeped my way through the security doors.
Benjamin, David, Lucy and I sat down for the meeting. I had decided before hand that I wasn't going to go on about being a mum, it was harder than I thought. They were asking me questions and it has been all consuming in my life for the last few months, so of course it was hard. I think I managed to keep it capped quite well.

The meeting was a catch up with David, Lucy and Benjamin about Coventry Market - The Musical project, this was my 'work baby' before Tilly came along. I have a huge attachment to it: I conceived it, I'd grown it and left it in Lucy's hands while I'd been away but now I'm back.
The meeting wasn't what I expected, I thought we were all there for a catch up. I'd told Richard I'd probably be home by 5pm at the latest. I could tell 20 minutes in that I was not likely to get home by 5pm.
I've always struggled with my work life balance, I've never been on home on time. I've often phoned Richard to say I was leaving in 5 minutes and then got home 40minutes or even an hour later. I've known since I was pregnant that this must change, it had to, I have a baby, I have a husband and I must have a family life now. I was sitting in the meeting completely torn - do I leave and get home for 5pm, leaving the meeting unfinished or do I phone Richard and say I'm going to be late? I tried to push the meeting along, it was productive but we could have got through it much faster as there was a lot of discussion that was funny but not essential. I knew I wouldn't make it back but I didn't want to leave the meeting unfinished so I phoned Richard to tell him I'd be delayed. He sounded stressed, he said she was crying but I couldn't hear her in the background, he sounded pissed off. As I made the call I thought how many times before I've made that call "I'm gonna be late". He's always hated that part of me, the workaholic. However this time it really was different, I was torn, Matilda does come first but I still had time to get the meeting done and get back for her next feed and that is what I'd do. I could tell he didn't believe me, I promised I'd be back by 5.45pm, he grumbled and hung up.
Returning to the meeting I rushed it through, they may not have families to go home to but I did. I reeled off my pre-prepared questions and I felt I got more resolved for the project in 10 minutes than we'd managed for the previous hour and a half. The meeting was still unfinished but it was nearly done, so I apologised and went. I'm so proud of myself, I've never done that. I've never be disciplined enough not to become the person who is there at the end tidying up, doing extra and more. I said I had to be more balanced and I've done it. I just need to keep it up when I go back too.

The dashboard clock said 5.44pm as I pulled up outside and I rushed through the door, Tilly was crying. They were in the living room and my heart felt warm when I saw her, I'd missed her and wanted to hold her. I was literally taking my coat off with my left arm as I took her from Richard's arms with my right. I gave her a big kiss, I'd missed her a lot. She was all washed and clean fresh from a bath which meant that they were on track. Richard sat slumped on the sofa, he was very quiet.
I'm not sure if he enjoyed his time with Tilly, he said he'd enjoyed some of it. I felt hurt later when he said I hadn't changed, he said that I'm still more committed to work and it is just going to be like it was before, me phoning up saying I'll be late. I was gutted, he has no idea how proud I'd been of myself. I had left a meeting early - I've never done that before. I have changed, it's just that right now he can't see that. He wasn't there, he doesn't know how hard it was for me. I can tell already it is going to be difficult being a working mum but I also know I need both work and Tilly in my life for it to be complete.

So I'm a working mum. I've been me this afternoon for the first time in nearly 6 months. I've showed myself that I've not lost my ability at work, I held my own and more in that meeting. I hope that it reminded David what I'm like, that they missed me and still need me for this project. I'm glad that I have it to return to, it will give me something to fully occupy my mind when I go back, there is so much to do. I will not be able to sit there worrying about Tilly all day - just half of it ;-)

Market auditions

Coventry Market - The Musical was and still is my work baby so I had to go along to watch the first day of auditions being held in the market. I had dreamt up this project, planned it, contracted, liaised and been engrossed in every element of it, planning it perfectly with my maternity leave. So it was a weird experience being there, I wasn't working and yet it all felt so personal, so connected and yet unconnected.
Fran carried Tilly around while I chatted to Ben and Lucy. The auditions started and I felt a tinge of jealousy as Lucy sat beside Ben auditioning, I wanted to know what these people were saying, I wanted to know all about them.

As the auditions started, Tilly started playing up, she should have and is usually asleep at 1pm in the afternoon but not today. I had to pace around the market with her, missing the people I wanted to watch, missing all the action. I fed her and changed her and she went to sleep for about 20 minutes. I suppose I was lucky I'd seen any of it. I was glad that David had recognised that I was there and that the project was still mine.

Back to work.

Today, I took the bull by the horns. Slapped on the make up, did my hair and ventured into town. This will be the furthest I've been. I'm still not used to driving with Tilly in the car but I need to get out, I need to do this. Before I even got in the car, the lady over the road came over to look at Tilly. When I said I was going into town, she asked if I should be doing that. Why? Because I had a baby 3 weeks ago or because she is so tiny? I felt so brave for going and - not just brave, proud of myself. I was up, washed, dressed and presentable and it wasn't even 11am. I've heard of new mums who don't get dressed all day. Not me, I am determined to get out and not let this difficult bit get the better of me. But now she had planted the seed of doubt into my mind. Should I be going out? Should I be driving? Hang on, I need to get out. I won't know if it is too early until I try it. I got in the car, drove in and Tilly was asleep by the time we got into town. I even managed to pop into New Look to buy myself some clothes but I think it was the excitement as they aren't at all nice, so I'll have to take them back. I made my way across town to work. I was really scared about going in.

Tilly was asleep and was cooed over by everyone. I felt better for seeing people. It made me miss work though. I am really proud of myself today. I feel almost normal, I've been into town shopping and visiting work.