Churchy folk and being struck down

I've been looking forward to Paul & Ruth's wedding for a long time. They are a lovely couple and Richard had been asked (and surprisingly said yes) to do the wedding photography for them.

The day didn't start well, Tilly woke up in a bad mood, not herself at all. Quite crotchety and not smiling at all, so I put her back to bed thinking she may improve if she had a bit more sleep. A little while later and after she woke up she was even worse, tears and screaming - her scream was high pitched and she clearly had a pain but I couldn't really work out where. After a while (45 minutes) of trying to console her on and off, she only calmed down when I was hugging her and rocking her, we gave her some Calpol. She still wasn't smiling. The time was getting on and we'd planned to leave at 8.30am, it was already 8.30am and I was still sitting in my dressing gown with wet hair, unable to get ready as Tilly seemed so upset. Richard packed the car with all our baby paraphernalia and then unpacked it as I thought it would be best if we stayed at home. She smirked a little and I knew that if I stayed, she'd more than likely be fine about an hour later leaving me at home missing all the fun. Richard packed the car once more and I made a quick dash around the house to get ready. She fell asleep in the car and seemed fine, phew perhaps we had made the right choice.


We arrived at Paul's and met his best men, they were all getting ready and didn't seem nervous at all. Which was a great thing I suppose as I rocked up with a slightly crotchety baby - the good thing is that they are the loveliest couple and Paul seems to really love children so he really didn't mind. I got changed proper and we went off to the church. I was nervous for Richard who was tooled up to the gills with cameras (2 high spec digital ones), a bum bag (i kid you not) with lenses and other gadgets in and a bag full of other cameras, memory cards and a cine camera.
I got comfy at the back of the church (strategically placed near the door) as the guests started to arrive and Tilly fell asleep. All was going quite well.
The congregation all knew each other and they all seemed to know each other from the church, or other similar faith communities. I was asked several times if I knew them from church, I felt embarrassed by my heathenistic lack of religion and mumbled into the back of the pews.
The ceremony was lovely if a little evangelistic for me, there was a 20 minute long worship via song (funky songs but still about loving the lord). The service lasted for nearly an hour and a half, after that we watched Richard sweat in the hot heat taking photographs and looking really professional with his tripod and remote control.

It was getting nearer the time to finish up at the church and go to the reception and Tilly was tired and hungry. I took her to the car and fed her, rather than put her in the pram I thought I'd pop her in her car seat to avoid moving her again. As I stepped out of the rear passenger door with Tilly in my arms, I stumbled over a boulder that had been put on the grass next to the car parking space. As I tried to regain my footing I almost caught myself but then went on the evenly space boulder and I felt myself falling in slow motion. I was petrified, I had Tilly in my arms and I started to fall face down, all I could see were more rocks. I was so scared Tilly's head would hit one, I screamed and swung my body with force to try to fall with her on top of me. I only made it half way and then the last section happened so quickly I don't remember much just that I'd missed the rock and Tilly was on the floor. Richard had heard me scream and all he saw was me and her on the floor, as I screamed desperately trying to get to my feet and pick up Tilly I could see Richard running towards me, bumbag open and lenses going everywhere. I knew she'd hit her head a little. I held her so tightly and although she was screaming I was trying to re-piece the fall in my head, how high had she been when she'd left my arms? I was sure my elbow had already hit the floor so it can't have been that bad . . ? Richard came up beside us and I was shaking, I was repeated trying to calm her down and telling myself and everyone else that she'd be OK, I think this was mainly for my own reassurance. Then Richard spotted blood coming from her mouth, my heart nearly stopped. Oh my goodness, what had I done?
I rushed into the church and asked for a first aider, no idea what they were going to do but I wanted someone to tell me it was OK. Meanwhile, all this time Tilly had been held so close to me, and with all the fuss she had stopped crying. She must be OK, she looked very interested at all the palaver that was going on. I was made to sit down and as I tried to work out just how she had cut inside her mouth with no teeth, I noticed people were wiping away blood from my arm. I couldn't care less that I was bleeding, I hadn't even noticed, I just wanted Tilly to be OK.
A lovely lady called Maggie took charge and insisted I needed to go home with her, she insisted I needed a cup of tea and a sit down, she was probably right. Richard nearly came with us but I was very embarrassed and desperately didn't want him to miss any photos for Paul & Ruth's big day as I'd made a tit of myself.
I went round to Maggie's house and she was right, a cup of tea and a calm space was just what we needed. Tilly was fine, very alert and smiley. Thank goodness.

Left holding the baby again

Richard's friend Ben is getting married. We were invited to the wedding but we're not going. After a lot of talk about the wedding, getting the invitation, going down with Matilda to their house for a BBQ, it appears she is not invited. It was never explicitly stated, we just presumed and when they asked us if we were coming I noticed her name wasn't on the invitation. Richard checked and instead of being upfront, it became an email battle of 'well if it means you won't come then she is more than welcome' - which of course means she isn't invited at all. Just say it for goodness sake. There is no question in my mind, the wedding is in Somerset, it is the weekend after another wedding and I'm not going without her, she'll only be 6 months old. I've had a baby because I wanted a family, we come as a package now and there are three of us. All or nothing. I completely respect any couple's wish not to invite children to a wedding but please, be upfront about it. Don't dilly dally.

The reason I mention this is because twice already Richard has literally left me holding the baby for Ben. Before the realisation that Tilly wasn't invited to the wedding, Richard left me for the weekend to attend Ben's stag weekend in Norfolk. This was the day after she screamed the place down and we had to take her to the doctors. Tonight, once again Ben is having yet another "I'm going off the market party", just get on with it for god's sake. It is only early August, he is not getting married until September - how many more is he going to have??

I spend my days happy but lonely. I crave adult company and look forward to Richard coming home. Tonight, I'm still on my own as Richard is out. They came back earlier to drop things off before venturing out to Wing Wah. I am left sitting here, Tilly in bed asleep and me downstairs with a glass of wine. I'm not bitter, , , , well actually maybe I am. I love Tilly to bits and pieces and every moment of her loveliness my heart melts and swells again with pride of what I've made and continue to grow. But I've not had any time to myself since she was born, not really by myself. When I say this in front of Richard he comments that he has looked after her while I've been shopping. Not quite, pushing her while she is asleep in the pram outside the shop I'm in doesn't quite count. Richard has been out with work, disc-golfing, photography days with Paul and a multitude of stag events for Ben. I've done nothing. Wing Wah is literally across the road. They could just have easily got a take away and eaten it here in our dining room. I don't even need to be in there with them if they want it to be a work friends thing, just knowing that there is someone else in the house would be nice. Richard has apologised for going out tonight in advance and when he returned earlier and mentioned he really didn't want to go. His life still goes on, changed slightly but not tipped upside down like mine has by Tilly's arrival.

On Saturday I am going to work for a meeting with David and Benjamin about the market project. I'm so excited. It is something for me. I will be on my own. This is something that I'm really looking forward to but also scared of. I will worry about Tilly when I'm away. Richard is going to look after her. The only thing is he is already talking about walking her around town (no doubt outside my work) while I'm in the meeting. He needs to build his confidence looking after Tilly, he knows what to do but always double checks with me. He's often commented on the fact that he'd like to share with feeding, Tilly has been on bottles for a week and is eating some baby rice and he has not fed her once. Surely he should be jumping at the chance to bond and feed his daughter. Whenever he has looked after her while I sleep or have a shower he has a tendency to stick her in front of the television and stick Teletubbies on. I put Teletubbies on once a day to give myself a carefully planned routine of breakfast, shower, dressed and put the washing and steriliser on - it takes 15 minutes. My other justification for putting it on is that I spend the rest of the day talking to her, playing with her and just generally interacting. Richard doesn't spend a lot of time playing with her. He can make her smile at the drop of a hat - always. He is besotted with her, totally in love and I love that. However, he is also fixated on her as a photography project, obsessed by taking a photo a day. A lovely idea but I never had a father who interacted with me and I don't want Tilly to have the same experience.